Monday, December 31, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Balkan nationalism explained...sort of....

Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb:
1. You are not a Croat.
2. Basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals in Presidential elections.
4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country when abroad.
5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and their domestic
be convinced that it's happening right now, and not be entirely wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing.
7. Grilled meat and slivovitz.
8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when under economic
9. You are the only European country which was bombed by NATO.
10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone else's expense.

Top ten reasons for being a Croat:
1. You're not a Serb
2. Soccer team.
3. You get to pretend that your language is different from Serbian, although it's
really not.
4. Dubrovnik.
5. You get to dream about independent Croatia.
6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke,Deutschland," and continue
to dream about independent Croatia.
7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has heard.
8. You have a democratically elected President who is not ashamed of being a
9. The glorious World War Two past.
10.You have a thousand-year culture....

Top ten reasons for being Bosnian:
1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend that your state exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan European city when you
know that it is not.
5. Great kebab.
6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard Henry-Levy,Susan Sontag, and
Bill Clinton and it still doesn't make a difference.
7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country.
8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist.
9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else.
10.Foreigners give you money and don't ask any questions.

Top ten reasons for being Slovenian:
1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that no one cares
except you.
2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps," although you
know it's not that sunny.
5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while secretly enjoying
the fact that you are a Slav.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic.
8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who speak Slovene.
9. You don't have to be ashamed when abroad.
10.No one bothers you because no one really cares.

Top ten reasons for being Macedonian:
1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a Bulgarian, Greek,
Serb or Albanian.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
3. You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss
off the Greeks.
4. You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music.
5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and Albanians.
6. American soldiers on your territory.
7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco.
9. You can successfully pretend your language is not Bulgarian.
10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country
except your neighbors.

Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin:
1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for
500 years.
2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not being conquered by the
Turks for 500 years.
3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia does not know you are
her son.
4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of Russia and still think
that you are better and more progressive than the Serbs.
5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa.
6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and defend your honor.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone knows why
you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king.
9. You don't have to work even when you have to.
10.You don't have to work....

Top ten reasons for being Albanian:
1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole income, one who
killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle."
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honor.
6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the
hero of the family.
7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe.
8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy
10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle."

Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav:
1. You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat, nor a Slovene, nor
a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin, nor an Albanian, although you
are one or more of the above.
2. You don't have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic".
3. You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and still
feel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are abroad.
4. You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian,
Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that it's quite OK.
5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or rock-and-roll from the
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists.
8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity.
9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences abroad.
10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

cultural clash

An Englishman is showing two young American girls around London during their holiday. When they reach a Pelican crossing he presses the button, and after a few seconds the pedestrian signal makes the familiar "beep beep beep" sound.

"What's that for?" asks one of the girls.

"Oh, that's just to let blind people know that the lights have changed," replies the Englishman.

"Oh my GAWWWD!" she exclaims, obviously shocked. "In the States, we don't even let them drive!"

Friday, December 28, 2007


Batman came up to a villain and he hit him over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

The puzzled villain said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"

"No", said Batman, "I've got china in my hand".

Thursday, December 27, 2007

sex lesson

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Monday, December 24, 2007

An Attorney's Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Tramp O Claus


ps make sure to scroll down to get the "festive" lyrics.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

great cover versions

here's noted songster George Dubya Bush's version of REM's The End of the World as we Know it (And I Feel Fine)

Friday, December 21, 2007

"quoth" "unquoth"

here's to The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.

Its a "très" amusant "website" I found "today" that is to "rogue" quotation marks what Lynne Truss was to careless commas and aberrant apostrophes.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

leadership test

The names on the frames are a little out of date....but I can't be bothered updating it and its amusing enough as it is...

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Putin gets advice from Stalin

Vladimir Putin goes to bed one evening and Stalin appears to him in a dream. Putin asks Stalin for some help with the state of Russian economy and how to stop crime.

Stalin said, "Round up and shoot every male between the age of 21 & 30 and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

Putin asked, "Why blue?"

Stalin retorts, "I knew you would ask me about the second part first"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Excruciatingly bad pick-up lines

Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers

Do you sleep on your stomach ...........can I?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?

That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my bedroom floor!

Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

Why don`t you come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that pops up.

Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?

Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants.

Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?

Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

You sure have a great looking tooth.

My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.

Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Don't stop! I don't usually get to see beauty in motion.

You're so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.

Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Don't be so picky....I wasn't!

Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.

You look a lot like my future wife.

I'd better get a library card, because I'm checking you out.

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot!

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

I want to call your mother and thank her.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

My name is Ben. That's so you know what to scream.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Do you know how to use a whip?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

civil disobedience German style

From Associated Press comes this tale of a German man who risked death rather than acquiesce to restrictive customs rules.

The 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt. He fell victim to new airport which rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes within the EU, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

Unimpressed with either choice, he decided on a third option. He chugged down the entire bottle there and then with inevitable results - he was soon unable to stand or otherwise function. A doctor determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and packed him off to hospital. The unnamed man is expected to be released in a few days.

A herculean effort in the ongoing fight against the Nanny State.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Merrion-Webster word of the year: w00t



"w00t" (spelt with two zeroes) is an exclamation of joy or excitement used by online gamers and hardcore Internet chat enthusiasts, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary says is the word that best sums up 2007.

The word took the Word of the Year prize in Merriam-Webster's annual poll of favorite new terms such as "facebook," a verb that means to look up someone's profile on the social networking site of the same name, and "blamestorm," to hold a meeting in order to find someone responsible for a problem,

W00t originated from a language called l33tspeak, or leetspeak after "elite", used by computer programmers in which letters are replaced by numbers. W00t was originally spelled as "w007," according to the the programming language's rules that uses the number "7" for the letter " t."

"It shows a really interesting thing that's going on in language. It's a term that's arrived only because we're now communicating electronically with each other," said Merriam-Webster's president John Morse.

Thats Morse code for: w00t the fuck?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Foot in Mouth: Plain English award

This award, which the Plain English Campaign first gave in 1993, is for a baffling comment by a public figure. The 2007 winner of this award is the former England football manager, Steve McClaren, for the following comment he made to Radio 5 Live.

“He (Wayne Rooney) is inexperienced, but he's experienced in terms of what he's been through.”

Previous winners:
Naomi Campbell for "I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta."

Rt Hon Rhodri Morgan AM, the First Minister for Wales, made this comment in a debate on policing: "The only thing which isn't up for grabs is no change and I think it's fair to say, it's all to play for, except for no change."

Boris Johnson MP for his remark on the BBC news quiz programme, 'Have I Got News For You'. "I could not fail to disagree with you less."

Former United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for comments in a press briefing. "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don't know we don't know."

Actor Richard Gere who said: "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.''

Artist Tracey Emin, who explained "When it comes to words I have a uniqueness that I find almost impossible in terms of art - and it's my words that actually make my art quite unique."

Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone for her comments quoted in the Sunday Telegraph.
"I think that [the film] 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

Former England manager Glenn Hoddle. When asked by Trevor McDonald to explain his controversial comments on people with disabilities, he said:
"I do not believe that. At this moment in time, if that changes in years to come I don't know, but what happens here today and changes as we go along that is part of life's learning and part of your inner beliefs. But at this moment in time I did not say them things and at the end of the day I want to put that on record because it has hurt people."

Cardiff MP Rhodri Morgan. In an interview with BBC Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman he was asked if he would like to be the labour leader of the new Welsh Assembly. Rhodri replied "Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?" After a long puzzled pause Jeremy asked Rhodri if that was Welsh for yes!

Nick Underwood of Teletubbies Marketing explained that "in life, there are all colours and the Teletubbies are a reflection of that. There are no nationalities in the Teletubbies - they are techno-babies, but they are supposed to reflect life in that sense."

No winner.

Dr Gordon Brown MP for his 'New Economics' speech. He covered "ideas which stress the growing importance of international co-operation and new theories of economic sovereignty across a wide range of areas, macro-economics, trade, the environment, the growth of post neo-classical endogenous growth theory and the symbiotic relationships between government and investment in people and infrastructures - a new understanding of how labour markets really work and constructive debate over the meaning and implications of competitiveness at the level of individuals, the firm or the nation and the role of government in fashioning modern industrial policies which focus on nurturing competitiveness."

Former England cricket boss, Ted Dexter desperately tried to explain away another England defeat at the hands of the Australians by saying "Maybe we are in the wrong sign. Maybe Venus is in the wrong juxtaposition with something else. I don't know."

(Although there was no Foot in Mouth award in 1991, they made a special mention of a quote by United States Vice President Dan Quayle.)

"We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that (recognise the big tent philosophy) with the platform, the preamble to the platform or whatnot, that remains to be seen. But that message will have to be articulated with great clarity."

Monday, December 10, 2007

Union Taff

With one British Labor MP calling for a redesigned UK flag to incorporate a Welsh motif, the best alternative Irish I's has seen is this:

Sunday, December 9, 2007

worst sick day excuses

I’m too drunk to drive to work.
I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.
I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.
I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.
I’m too fat to get into my work pants.
God didn’t wake me.
I cut my fingernails too short, they’re bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.
The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.
I forgot I was getting married today.
My cow bit me.
My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out
I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself
I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.
My house lock jammed and I'm locked in.
theres a rat out the back garden and my Mum is going mad, i need to stay at home and try to kill it
too windy. couldn't open my front door.
Fred Phelps is protesting outside my house and I can't get outta the driveway
I just realized I am supposed to be at work but I'm drunk.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Woody Allen quotes

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am two with nature.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

creative writing

The manager of a zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send two."

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Linguistics Lecture

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English, a double negative forms a positive," he said. "In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Monday, December 3, 2007

Loser baby - Stunts go wrong

unfortunately YouTube won't let you embed this video and the video quality is atrocious. But its still quite funny...gotta love those colliding bulls!

see it here

Sunday, December 2, 2007

the wedding deal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the celibrant with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the pastor the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the celibrant looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the priest and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Evel's last stunt

vale daredevil Robert Craig "Evel" Knievel 1938-2007

was this his last stunt?

Friday, November 30, 2007

How the US media would handle the end of the world

Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.
America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Google april fools hoaxes

Since the turn of the century, Google has earned a reputation for its April Fool hoaxes:

It start in 2000 with Google MentalPlex

Google announced a new "MentalPlex" search technology that supposedly read the user's mind to determine what the user wanted to search for, thus eliminating the step of actually typing in the search query.

There was nothing notable in 2001 but then...

In 2002 there was PigeonRank

Google reveals the technology behind its PageRank System — PigeonRank. Google touts the benefits of this cost-effective and efficient means of ranking pages and reassures readers that there is no animal cruelty involved in the process. The article makes many humorous references and puns based on computer terminology and how Google PageRank really works.

Another 2 years passed before 2004 and Google Copernicus Center

Fictitious job opportunities for a research center on the moon. Luna/X (a pun to Linux as well as a reference to the Windows XP visual style and Mac OS X) is the name of a new operating system they claimed to have created for working at the research center.

In 2005: Google Gulp

Google Gulp was a fictitious drink. According to the company, this beverage would optimize one's use of the Google search engine by increasing the drinker's intelligence. It was claimed this boost was achieved through real-time analysis of the user's DNA and carefully tailored adjustments to neurotransmitters in the brain (a patented technology termed Auto-Drink). The drink was said to come in "4 great flavors": Glutamate Grape (glutamic acid), Sugar-Free Radical (free radicals), Beta Carroty (beta carotene), and Sero-Tonic Water (serotonin).

2006: Google Romance

Google Romance was announced on the main Google search page with the introduction, "Dating is a search problem. Solve it with Google Romance." It pretends to offer a "Soulmate Search" to send users on a "Contextual Date". A parody of online dating, it amusingly had a link for "those who generally favor the 'throw enough stuff at the wall' approach to online dating" to Post multiple profiles with a bulk upload file, you sleaze in addition to Post your Google Romance profile. Clicking on either of these gave an error page, which explained that it was an April Fool's joke and included links to previous April Fool's Jokes for nostalgia.

2007: Gmail Paper

The day before April 1, Google changed the login page for Gmail to announce a new service called Gmail Paper. The service offered to allow users of Google's free webmail service to add e-mails to a "Paper Archive," which Google would print (on "96% post-consumer organic soybean sputum") and mail via traditional post.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

hunting joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Cat Power - Living Proof

from that brilliant album "The Greatest", here is Cat Power's Living Proof

Monday, November 26, 2007

a couple of airplane jokes

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. “I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.”


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”


Sunday, November 25, 2007

Love and the fear of stairs

a lovely, lively and witty tale of the perils of love, lifts and bannisters from the Waterford Arts Group in Ireland. Great music too from the Buzzcocks.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Friday, November 23, 2007

old barber joke

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's dirty and crowded and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Alitalia," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Alitalia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Alitalia's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Who cut your fucking hair?"

Thursday, November 22, 2007

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Star Trek's 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures

No #8: Unicorny-apeman

A horny, spiny, and poisonous white gorilla that injected victims with a toxin that could be cured by a funky women in bright orange fun fur (sadly not shown in the picture). It looks as if this victim is less terrified by the impending venom than the shock of being jumped on by a drunken fancy dress party-goer.

For the full hilarious list of the 10 cheesy monsters see Wired Magazine

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Beloit Mindset List

Each year the people at Beloit college come out with a list of things that happened in the year of birth of their freshmen students ie things "they have always known".

Born in 1989, the "Class of 2011" (entering college this year) list included the following items. (I have removed several Americanisms but the full list can be found here)

The Berlin Wall never existed
Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
Rush Limbaugh has always been lambasting liberals.
They never “rolled down” a car window.
Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
They have grown up with bottled water.
General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
Rap music has always been mainstream.
Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
“Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
Music has always been “unplugged.”
Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
They grew up in Wayne’s World.
U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
Fox has always been a major network.
They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
Most phone calls have never been private.
High definition television has always been available.
Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
Time has always worked with Warner.
Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
MTV has never featured music videos.
The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
They’re always texting 1 n other.
They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
Burma has always been Myanmar.
Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Sunday, November 18, 2007


Velvet Underground's classic Venus in Furs (1967) based on the 1870 book of the same name by Austrian author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (who kindly donated his name to 'masochism').

Saturday, November 17, 2007

More football quotes

I never comment on referees, and I am not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. (Ron Atkinson)
Brazil - they're so good it's like they are running around the pitch playing with themselves.(John Motson)
One year I played fifteen months.(Franz Beckenbauer)
All the Leeds team are 100% behind the manager, but I can't speak for the rest of the squad. (Brian Greenhoff)
It wasn't a bad performance, but you can't tell whether it was good or bad. (Jimmy Hill)
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the yellow strip.
(John Motson)
We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half.(David Pleat)
If history is going to repeat itself I think we can expect the same thing again.
(Terry Venables)
Our fans have been branded with the same brush.(Ron Atkinson)
I've had a good rest, I've had holidays, got to know the wife again, but I've started itching recently.(Joe Royle)
The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.(John Motson)
Zola's got two feet.(David Pleat)
It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target.(Terry Venables)
If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.(Jimmy Hill)
The World Cup is every four years, so it's going to be a perennial problem. (Gary Lineker)
We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two.(Frank McLintock)
Hearts are now playing with a five-man back four. (Alan McInally)
I never make predictions, and I never will. (Paul Gascoigne)
And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
(Alan Parry)
Apart from their goals, Norway wouldn't have scored.(Terry Venables)
He's like all great players, but he's not a great player yet.(Trevor Francis)
It's his first cap, so he's not got a lot of experience at this level.(Brian Marwood)
The World Cup is a truly international event.(John Motson)
If they play together, you've got two of them (Dion Dublin)
The 3-5-3 system isn't working for them.(Eamonn Dunphy)
He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only one. (Alvin Martin)
Scotland don't have to score tonight, but they do have to win. (Billy McNeill)
the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars. (Alan Brazil)
Gerry Taggart has been booked for a caution. (Dave Bassett)
It seems that they're playing with one leg tied together.(Kenny Sansom)
We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. (Bobby Robson)
I don't think anyone enjoyed it, apart from the people who watched it. (Alan Hansen)
If the goalkeeper wasn't there, it would have been a goal. (Dave Bassett)
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
(George Best)
Let's close our eyes and see what happens. (Jimmy Greaves)
It is a Cup Final, and the one who wins it goes through. (Jimmy Hill)
Solskjaer never misses the target. That time he hit the post. (Peter Schmeichel)
And Arsenal have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds. (Dave Bassett)
A bit of retaliation there, though not actually on the same player. (Frank Stapleton)
The unexpected is always likely to happen.(John Motson)
Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice.
(Trevor Brooking)
I don't want to be either partial or impartial.(Frank McLintock)
It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.(Kevin Keegan)
The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandinavians, Denmark and Sweden. (Andy Townsend)
Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales. (Ron Greenwood)
He's got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee. (Frank Stapleton)
I strongly feel that the only difference between the two teams were the goals that England scored. (Craig Brown)
I'm not convinced that Scotland will play a typically English game. (Gareth Southgate)

Friday, November 16, 2007

football quotes

"If he gets a yard ahead of himself, nobody will catch him." (Bobby Robson)
"Mentally, John Terry is as strong as an ox." (Michael Owen)
"Women should be in the kitchen, the discotheque and the boutique, but not in football." (Ron Atkinson)
"Oh Dear, his right leg collided with himself there." (Mark Bright)
"I felt a lump in my throat when the ball went in." (Terry Venables)
"Our back four was at sixes and sevens." (Ron Atkinson)
"It's a case of putting all our eggs into the next ninety minutes." (Phil Neal)
"A penalty is a cowardly way to score." (Pele)
"Only Father Christmas and I work 365 days a year, and he finishes earlier." (Football agent, Eric Hall)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." (Stuart Pearce)
"For Tony Adams to admit he was an alcoholic took a lot of bottle." (Ian Wright)
"My players think a tackle is something you go fishing with." (Barry Fry, former Barnet manager)
"When you go 2-0 down, you'd sell your granny for a point." (Sean O'Driscoll, Bournemouth manager)
"We are about to enter the biggest period in Palace's immediate past history." (Iain Dowie, Crystal Palace)
"The good news for Nigeria is that they are 2-0 down very early in the game." (Kevin Keegan)
"The terrible thing about my job is that footballers get 80% of my earnings." (Football agent, Eric Hall)
"It was the first four goals that cost us the game." (Dave Jones, ex Southampton manager)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

a motto for Britain

recently The Times put out a call for suggestions for a five or six word "British motto". The great unwashed had fun with some of their answers:

Once mighty empire, slightly used
We apologise for the inconvenience
You're having a laugh, mate
Dipso Fatso Bingo Asbo Tesco
Chicken tikka masala, chips and rice
Let's discuss it down the pub
No mottos please - We're British
Mind your own bloody business!
Hey! We made this Game!
sorry, is this the queue?
Did you spill my pint?
A camera on every corner
No problem left untaxed
Village Hall If Raining
Best before nineteen thirty nine
May contain nuts
Britain in five words? Pants.
The end justifies the spin
Masters of the English Language. Innit?
Euros not accepted here, sorry

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Where did all the air come from?

student does not take kindly to practical joke

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

just like that

Tommy Cooper jokes

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

I was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', I said.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' I said.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' I said.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' I said, ' you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'I'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it I think you'll beat it'

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Monday, November 12, 2007

schoolyard conversation

First Boy: My name is Billy. What's yours?

Second Boy: Tommy.

Billy: My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

Tommy: My Daddy's a lawyer.

Billy: Honest?

Tommy: No, just the regular kind.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

quotes from The Office

“If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton... I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.”
David Brent (Series 1 Episode 2)

“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’.
Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”
Brent (Series 1 Episode 1)

“He’s thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 3)

“I live with my parents.”
“Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad’s not dead, but in a home, so good as.”
Tim and David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.”
“Yeah, that’d happen.”
“Well, if he doesn’t, report him.”
“Yeah, I’ll report him while I’m walking home.”
“Get a taxi, if you’ve got enough stamps.”
“or cash ‘em in at the Post Office.”
“Shouldn’t have to. Shouldn’t have to.”
David, Tim, Gareth and Dawn (Series 1 Episode 4)

“It’s like an alarm clock’s gone off, and I’ve just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”, and that’s how I feel. Although he also said: “I am the Walrus I am the eggman” so I don’t know what to believe.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 6)

“If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I’ve done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“What ones are your that I use?”
“Same shit, different day, that’s mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.”
“Wankyou very much.”
“Yeah, I invented that.”
Gareth, David and Tim (Series 1 Episode 3)

“So when are you leaving me?”
“erm, probably won’t be for quite a while.”
“Probably not.”
“I thought you wanted to go back to university and everything?”
“Yeah, I will, but there’s a slight bit of a change in plan.”
“Oh, right.”
“David’s made me senior sales clerk.”
“Wow. I thought you wanted to be a psychologist.”
“Oh, yeah, but senior sales clerk, it’s £500 guaranteed extra a year, and if I do a bit of networking, then there’s every chance I could be in David’s chair in 3 years.”
“And all that talk about moving on in the world?”
“No, I said moving up, yeah, moving up. Moving up can mean within an internal ladder framework, or sideways to external, then up. You know, you gotta look at the whole pie, vis-à-vis my current life situation.”
Dawn and Tim (Series 1 Episode 6)

“All farmers have wives.”
“This one doesn’t, he’s gay.”
“Well, then, he shouldn’t be allowed near animals should he.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

“People look at me, they say he’s tough, he was in the army he’s gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn’t Schindler’s list a brilliant film?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of ‘em. Especially that one, he’s mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn’t work.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“I don’t know where we’re going tonight. Obviously Finchy’s a sophisticated guy, and Gareth’s a culture vulture, so will it be opera, ballet, I don’t know. I think the RSCs in town, so er... having said that at Chasers it hooch for a pound and wonderbras get in free night.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

Gareth, trying out a chat up line in Chasers:
“Condom’s come in all different flavours nowadays. There’s strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“Have you made any redundancies?”
“I gave a speech, only this morning, to my staff, assuring them there would not be cutbacks at this branch, and that there certainly wouldn’t be redundancies.”
“Well why on earth would you do that?”
“Why? Ooh, a little word that I think’s important in management called morale.”
“Well surely it’s gonna be worse for morale in the long run when there are going to be redundancies and you’ve told people there won’t be.”
“...... they won’t remember.”
Jennifer and David (Series 1 Episode 2)

“He proposed on a Valentine’s day, although he didn’t do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said ‘Lee love Dawn, marriage?’ which you know, I like, because it’s not often you get to something that’s both romantic and thrifty.”
Dawn (Series 1 Episode 4)

“So there I am, back of the cab, both of them got their laughing gear round my old single barrel pump action yoghurt rifle, yeah-”
“ha, his knob.”
Finchy and David (Series 1 Episode 5)

“There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”
David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted, so....every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news aren’t you?”
David (Series 1 Episode 6)
“Gareth, quick test exercise, ultimate fantasy?”
“We’re just doing the ultimate fantasy, we’re all doing it.”
“Two lesbians probably, sisters. I’m just watching.”
“oh, um, Tim? Do you have one?”
“I’d never thought I’d have to say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?”
Rowan, Gareth, David and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

“We go there every Wednesday night, and it’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he’s got knobrot off some tart.’”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“The thing is though, no-one’s dispensable in my book, because we’re like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they’re like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.”
“And what part are you?”
“Good question. Probably the humour.”
David and Jennifer (Series 1 Episode 2)

Gareth on possible redundancies:
“I’m not worried for me, I’ll be alright, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that’s just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn’t survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can’t see over the top, he’s got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Anton’s a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 1)

“Slough’s nightlife is incredible; it’s got two nightclubs, it’s got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written ‘And don’t get your Hampton Court.’ It’s not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

“When cherries are ripe, they're ready for plucking, when girls are sixteen, they're ready-”
Gareth and David (Series 1 Episode 5)

“This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can’t do it, go on, do it.”
“I don’t, must be someone else.”
“Oh, sorry, it’s the other one-”
“The other what..... Paki?”
“Ah, that’s racist.”
Sanj and David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“Who’s been thinking of leaving?”
“I have.”
“Well that's just stupid, you’ve got a job here for life.”
“Yeah, actually I don’t want to spend my life answering phones in some crappy sub-branch paper merchants.”
“Dawn, work hard enough, and you could be answering those phones in head office, or a better paper merchants.”
Tim, Dawn and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 4)

“What, you got a problem with Ricky?”
“No no no, sleep with everyone in the office, he’s not even a permanent member of staff. I’d have preferred it if you’d slept with Gareth.”
"Wouldn’t happen.”
“Oh why, ‘cos he didn't go to university?”
“No, ‘cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.”
“Ah, you could do worse than Gareth, he hasn't missed one day, and don’t call my second in command an arse-faced weasel-”
“A weasel-faced arse.”
“Same thing.”
“Well no it’s not. Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?”
“Weasel probably”
Donna, David and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”
David (Series 1 Episode 2)

“Boring isn’t it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life.”
“mmm, yeah.”
“Not for me. I like it.”
“Yeah, I just stayed in, had a big wank”
Keith and Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

“You upset? about Lee is it? Hey don’t worry, right, ‘cos you know monkey Alan in the warehouse, he says he fancies you, even if no-one else does.”
“Can’t say anything when they’re like that.”
“No, you can’t, I was doing OK.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

Brent whilst showing how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
“ ‘Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs.’ Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.”
“If anything they should be rewarded.”
“They should be equal.”
“Women are equal.”
“I’ve always said that.”
David and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“So the only reason you’ve been talking to me is ‘cos you want to shag me?”
“yeah, and from behind ‘cos you're breath stinks of onions and I didn’t tell you that did I?!”
“Wahey, one up the bum, no harm done.”
“No, not up the arse.”
Woman in nightclub, David and Finchy (Series 1 Episode 5)

“What you in so early for? Shit the bed?”
“Ha! No. Haven’t done that for weeks.”
Joan and Tim (Series 1 Episode 3)

“To be honest I think you’re mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin telly. We’re like Morecambe and Wise when we’re together. No, not Morecambe and Wise, because there’s no straight man, there’s no dead wood. I’m more sort of character based, and he’s more of a gag man. I do gags as well.”
David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“In this room, I have special-”
“No, I am a special-”
“Needs child?”
“No. And that’s not even funny.”
Tim and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“We’re both good in our own fields. I’m sure Texas couldn’t run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn’t do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on.”
David (Series 1 Episode 4)

“If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?”
“You’re thinking how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro.”
“You’re thinking if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes.”
“No. And you can’t”
“What are you thinking Gareth?”
“I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

Brent talking about Donna:
“Her dad’s not only a copper, but he’s a bloody big bugger isn’t he? So hands off.”
“I’ve got something she could take down in evidence!”
“Oh, don’t worry about this lot.”
“Do you wanna receive some swollen goods?”
“I wouldn’t mind escaping up her tunnel!”
“Get out. Get out, I mean it.”
David and some employees (Series 1 Episode 2)

“This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn’t fit for humans now.’ Right, I don’t think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he’s embarrassed himself there. Next ‘In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-’ they wanna look nice, what’s the matter, doesn’t he like girls? ‘And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren’t look up and see the stars, but belch instead.’ What's he on about? What, has he never burped? ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-’ He’s the only cabbage round here. And they made him a knight of the realm. Overrated.”
David (Series 1 Episode 5)

“You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you’re dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is ‘Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?’ That’s where I come in. You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.’”
David (Series 1 Episode 6)

Friday, November 9, 2007

which bank?

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes up to a customer service rep and says, Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin bitch won't help you?"

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Meeting the wizard

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.


Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."


Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

Monday, November 5, 2007

Wonders never cease

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Why not not eat pigs together?

Tim Minchin - Peace anthem for Palestine

Saturday, November 3, 2007

Late-Night Jokes About the Iraqi Election

"The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalising gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno

"Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." –Jon Stewart

"A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

"They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno

"The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

"Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

"Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

"Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington DC and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think it could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote: The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have their Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

"You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

Friday, November 2, 2007


Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A few minutes later, they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible of the girls must be quite ill."

Thursday, November 1, 2007

lewd limericks

(size isn't everything)
There once was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

(the miser)
There once was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".

(problem child)
There was a lady who triplets begat
their names be Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

(motoring accident)
There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

(Kennedy Limerick)
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And that was the end of HIS ass!

(fatherly advice)
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His papa said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

(who's in charge)
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

(moby dick)
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!"

Sunday, October 28, 2007

emergency calls

transcripts of calls to the US's emergency call line 911.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I'm wearing a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1, fire or emergency?
Caller: Fire, I guess.
Dispatcher: How can I help you sir?
Caller: I was wondering: does the Fire Department put snow chains on their trucks?
Dispatcher: Yes sir. Do you have an emergency?
Caller: Well, I've spent the last 4 hours trying to put these chains on my tires and... well... do you think the Fire Department could come over and help me?
Dispatcher: Help you what?
Caller: Help me get these chains on my car!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1, what is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine-eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine-eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one?
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am; nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn, I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn!
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

George Bernard Shaw quotes

A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.

A lifetime of happiness! No man alive could bear it; it would be hell on earth.

Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them.

An American has no sense of privacy. He does not know what it means.There is no such thing in the country.

Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.

England and America are two countries separated by a common language.

Everything happens to everybody sooner or later if there is time enough.

Few people think more than two or three times a year; I have made an international reputation for myself by thinking once or twice a week.

Gambling promises the poor what property performs for the rich--something for nothing.

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history.

Hell is full of musical amateurs.

I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize.

I often quote myself. It adds spice to my conversation.

If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.

If history repeats itself, and the unexpected always happens, how incapable must Man be of learning from experience.

If the lesser mind could measure the greater as a footrule can measure a pyramid, there would be finality in universal suffrage. As it is, the political problem remains unsolved.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

Imagination is the beginning of creation. You imagine what you desire, you will what you imagine and at last you create what you will.

Lack of money is the root of all evil.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

Martyrdom is the only way in which a man can become famous without ability.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it.

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.

Self-sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing.

The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

The liar's punishment is not in the least that he is not believed but that he cannot believe anyone else.