Saturday, November 3, 2007

Late-Night Jokes About the Iraqi Election

"The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalising gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno

"Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." –Jon Stewart

"A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

"They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno

"The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

"Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

"Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

"Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington DC and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think it could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote: The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have their Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

"You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

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