Tommy Cooper jokes
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'
I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'
So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'
A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.
And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'
I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'
Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.
I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.
I was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', I said.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' I said.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' I said.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' I said, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?'
I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'I'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it I think you'll beat it'
A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."
I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."