Sunday, May 31, 2009

dying man wins bet he would live

An Englishman diagnosed with terminal cancer has collected a second winning payout of £5,000 after betting he would stay alive. 59 year old Jon Matthews was diagnosed with mesothelioma, an asbestos cancer, in 2006 and told he had months to live.

He placed two bets, each with a £100 stake at odds of 50/1, that he would be alive in June 2008 and in June 2009.

William Hill spokesman Graham Sharpe said it was the first bet of its kind they had seen. Matthews aproached the betting agency saying it would give him an additional incentive to battle his illness.

"Never in 30 years in the business have I been so pleased to pay a winning client £10,000" said Sharpe.

A third wager will earn him a further £10,000 if he lives until 1 June 2010.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Texts from last night

A selection of text messages from the sender probably wished they hadn't.

(770): Tell her she's as useless as a condom.

(310): tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room

(307): yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

(906): rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.

(801): how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.

(613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

(608): I think my vagina is haunted

(954): youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party

(407): i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...

(386): I wanna passion pit in your ass

(714): It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

(310 ): I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work

(212): yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money

(845): even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

(610): yo im tryna cop a beej tonight

(972): i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

(504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

(421): And she was only 16?
(1-421): You say that like it's a bad thing.

(512): He told me I remind him of his sister...
(917): Was this before or after you did it?
(512): before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.

(330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

(630): I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
(317): Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
(630): Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

(606): the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night

(304): remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

(443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

(440): i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

(254): I am coming home for anal
(254): * a nap*

(727): a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

(847): just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom

(631): i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick

(203): Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.

(315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
(607): what a beautiful fairy tale

(305): alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.

(302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
(1-302): You mean inside out.
(302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

(973): Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

(404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
(1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast

(630): batman just walked across the sidewalk
(1-630): lay off the drugs
(630): no for real he was wearing a cape

(808): no, he came in my armpit

(734): What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

(720): i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc

(303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on

(937): I'll bet she douches with gravy.

(312): Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?

(858): I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.

(630): just tell him i said nine months

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

toast and dirty butter

Finally, an explanation for that conundrum: Why does toast always falls buttered side down?

Reminds me of another problem. Given that a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you strapped a piece of toast butter side up to the back of a cat, pushed it off a safe height. Would the cat land on its feet, or the toast butter side down?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Towel Day 25th May

In honour of the late Douglas Adams, 25 May is Towel Day. Under no circumstances should you forget your towel today. As The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy reminded us: "a towel is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have."

Saturday, May 23, 2009

workplace hazard

check out this video (unfortunately I can't embed it here) of a man who drove his car through Wichita city hall in Kansas at 70 kph in a protest against police. Amazingly no one was hurt, though the man got ten years in prison for his stunt.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Movie runpee

Are a frequent cinema goer but have difficulty sitting down for two hours without needing to go to the toilet? Then Runpee is for you! Runpee looks at first run movies and tells you when's the best time swap the view for the loo. For instance with the film "Angels and Demons" Runpee advises to go approximately 1 hour and 10 minutes into the movie in the scene where Robert and a guard are in the Vatican archives and the power goes out because "they don't talk much. You won't be missing anything". There is even a spoiler alert which can be unscrambled that tells you exactly what happens in the three minutes you are away. Perfect for the bladderly challenged!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


A hurricane capsizes a cruise ship in the Caribbean and a stock broker washes ashore on a remote island. Outside of the beautiful scenery, a fresh water pool and bananas, there is little else.

One day, after several months have passed, a gorgeous woman in a small rowboat appears.

"Wow! I can't believe I found another person!" she exclaims. "Were you on the cruise ship, too?"

"Yes, I was," he answers. "Where did you get that rowboat?"

"Oh," she says, "I found it washed up on the beach. Where is your shelter?"

"To be honest, I've just been sleeping on the sand," he says.

She invites him to her side of the island. Once she's rowed them to her side, she ties up the boat with hand-woven rope. "It took forever to find enough washed up strands to braid that length of rope," she tells him.

She leads him to a cozy bungalow painted blue and green. "I scouted for felled trees and then stained the salvaged wood with these really juicy berries I found in the jungle," she tells him.

Once inside, she excuses herself to slip into something more comfortable. She returns wearing revealing silk lingerie, smiling provocatively.

"I found some washed up suitcases from the cruise ship a few weeks ago," she tells him. "But now that I've found you, I finally have a reason to wear something sexy again. Tell me, haven't you been lonely? Isn't there something that you really, really miss? Something you've been longing for, too?"

"Oh wow!" exclaims the man. "You mean you've found the Internet, too?!"

Saturday, May 16, 2009

recession tips

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y.

DON'T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

SAVE money on expensive new Manchester United kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all as to your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel the benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Atlantis solar transit

Taken on Tuesday, this amazing photo shows NASA space shuttle Atlantis on its way to the Hubble Space Telescope as seen in silhouette during solar transit.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

own goal of the year

Scored on the weekend in Turkey by Kayserispor goalkeeper Souleymanou Hamidou for Trabzonspor

he's behind you

Death is just milliseconds away

CCTV head

As seen (and seeing) on London's southbank

Monday, May 11, 2009

hippo ridin' in Athlone

A very public squabble caught on camera in Athlone in the Irish midlands.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Weirdest family photo ever

Words fail me to describe what is going on here, but there are more strange photos like this at Awkward Family

Kenneth Tynan quotes

British theatre critic & writer (1927-1980) and the first man to say the word "fuck" on British TV:

"Citizen Coon" (Tynan's description of Orson Welles' performance as Othello).

"A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car."

"The greatest films are those which show how society shapes man. The greatest plays are those which show how man shapes society."

[Upon moving to a house in California well above his means] "What have I done — more ominously, what am I going to have to do to deserve all this?"

[About Vivien Leigh's performance in Titus Andronicus:] "She receives the news that she is about to be ravished on her husband's corpse with little more than the mild annoyance of one who would have preferred foam rubber."

"What, when drunk, one sees in other women, one sees in Garbo sober."

[On Roman Polanski:] "The five-foot Pole you wouldn't touch with a ten-foot pole."

"Western man, especially the Western critic, still finds it very hard to go into print and say: 'I recommend you to go and see this because it gave me an erection.'"

[Upon encountering Alec Guinness in a bar in Havana, Cuba, Tynan made the following offer:] "I have t-two t-tickets for the fort tonight. . . They are shooting a couple of 16-year-olds. A boy and a girl. I thought you might like to see it. One should see everything, if one's an actor." [Guinness declined the offer][6]

Jumping the shark

Jumping the shark is the point in a long-running TV show or movie series where it resorts to absurb plot twists in a usually vain effort to keep up flagging momentum. Thus, shows that have "jumped the shark" are sliding down the wrong the side of the bell curve. The origin of the phrase refers to Happy Days and The Fonz's jump over a confined shark while water skiing. Used indiscriminately in the last ten years to describe any number of "past it" productions, some argue jumping the shark has now jumped the shark. However, I doubt we have seen the end of this much-needed phrase. Anyway here is the original footage that inspired it all:

Thursday, May 7, 2009

11 things people in their 20s will regret when they get into their 40s

As found at College Candy (aimed at females but mostly applicable to both sexes)

11 risque internet photos (the net is forever)
10 trendy tattoos (so are tats)
09 choosing an easy lay ahead of friends (best to have friends who are easy lays)
08 getting married too young (or too old)
07 smoking (though 20s is probably too late already)
06 not travelling enough (though conflicts with #05)
05 maxing out the credit cards (not sure people get any wiser about this later in life)
04 not finishing school (never too late)
03 pre-holiday tanning (or even during holiday tanning for that matter)
02 stilettos (particularly for men, I would imagine)
03 sex without condoms because it feels better (dealing with screaming shitting babies in the middle of the night doesn't feel particularly good either)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

the world compendium of hospital food

A sample of the "yummo" delicatessen as collected by the Hospital Food blog

Monday, May 4, 2009

Invisible car

As painted by British art student Sara Watson

Sunday, May 3, 2009

faux faux

Is this "faux" for real or is it a double negative? Another important question asked by the wonderful "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks

Friday, May 1, 2009