How the US media would handle the end of the world

USA Today: WE'RE DEAD.
Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends.
National Enquirer: O.J. and Nicole, Together Again.
Inc. Magazine: 10 Ways You Can Profit From the Apocalypse.
Rolling Stone: The Grateful Dead Reunion Tour.
Sports Illustrated: Game Over.
Playboy: Girls of the Apocalypse.
Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
TV Guide: Death and Damnation: Nielson Ratings Soar!
Discover Magazine: How will the extinction of all life as we know it affect the way we view the cosmos?
Microsoft Systems Journal: Netscape Loses Market Share.
Microsoft's Web Site: If you don't experience the rapture, DOWNLOAD software patch RAPT777.EXE.
America OnLine: System temporarily down. Try calling back in 15 minutes.

Google april fools hoaxes

Since the turn of the century, Google has earned a reputation for its April Fool hoaxes:

It start in 2000 with Google MentalPlex

Google announced a new "MentalPlex" search technology that supposedly read the user's mind to determine what the user wanted to search for, thus eliminating the step of actually typing in the search query.

There was nothing notable in 2001 but then...

In 2002 there was PigeonRank

Google reveals the technology behind its PageRank System — PigeonRank. Google touts the benefits of this cost-effective and efficient means of ranking pages and reassures readers that there is no animal cruelty involved in the process. The article makes many humorous references and puns based on computer terminology and how Google PageRank really works.

Another 2 years passed before 2004 and Google Copernicus Center

Fictitious job opportunities for a research center on the moon. Luna/X (a pun to Linux as well as a reference to the Windows XP visual style and Mac OS X) is the name of a new operating system they claimed to have created for working at the research center.

In 2005: Google Gulp

Google Gulp was a fictitious drink. According to the company, this beverage would optimize one's use of the Google search engine by increasing the drinker's intelligence. It was claimed this boost was achieved through real-time analysis of the user's DNA and carefully tailored adjustments to neurotransmitters in the brain (a patented technology termed Auto-Drink). The drink was said to come in "4 great flavors": Glutamate Grape (glutamic acid), Sugar-Free Radical (free radicals), Beta Carroty (beta carotene), and Sero-Tonic Water (serotonin).

2006: Google Romance

Google Romance was announced on the main Google search page with the introduction, "Dating is a search problem. Solve it with Google Romance." It pretends to offer a "Soulmate Search" to send users on a "Contextual Date". A parody of online dating, it amusingly had a link for "those who generally favor the 'throw enough stuff at the wall' approach to online dating" to Post multiple profiles with a bulk upload file, you sleaze in addition to Post your Google Romance profile. Clicking on either of these gave an error page, which explained that it was an April Fool's joke and included links to previous April Fool's Jokes for nostalgia.

2007: Gmail Paper

The day before April 1, Google changed the login page for Gmail to announce a new service called Gmail Paper. The service offered to allow users of Google's free webmail service to add e-mails to a "Paper Archive," which Google would print (on "96% post-consumer organic soybean sputum") and mail via traditional post.

hunting joke

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’ The operator says: ‘Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: ‘OK, now what?’"

Cat Power - Living Proof

from that brilliant album "The Greatest", here is Cat Power's Living Proof

a couple of airplane jokes

===
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey you cow.” The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls, “And get me another whiskey you bitch.” Quite upset,the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot's approach. “I've asked you twice for coffee. Go and get it now, or I'll give you a slap.”

Next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, “For someone who can't fly, you're a cheeky bastard.”

===

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

===

Love and the fear of stairs

a lovely, lively and witty tale of the perils of love, lifts and bannisters from the Waterford Arts Group in Ireland. Great music too from the Buzzcocks.

Hardy-Harr

couples who shouldn't hyphenate their names

old barber joke

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?

It's dirty and crowded and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying with Alitalia," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Alitalia?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Alitalia's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel-it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

He said, "Who cut your fucking hair?"

Do that Howrudd thang

Star Trek's 10 Cheesiest Classic Creatures

No #8: Unicorny-apeman

A horny, spiny, and poisonous white gorilla that injected victims with a toxin that could be cured by a funky women in bright orange fun fur (sadly not shown in the picture). It looks as if this victim is less terrified by the impending venom than the shock of being jumped on by a drunken fancy dress party-goer.

For the full hilarious list of the 10 cheesy monsters see Wired Magazine

Beloit Mindset List

Each year the people at Beloit college come out with a list of things that happened in the year of birth of their freshmen students ie things "they have always known".

Born in 1989, the "Class of 2011" (entering college this year) list included the following items. (I have removed several Americanisms but the full list can be found here)

The Berlin Wall never existed
Humvees, minus the artillery, have always been available to the public.
Rush Limbaugh has always been lambasting liberals.
They never “rolled down” a car window.
Michael Moore has always been angry and funny.
They have grown up with bottled water.
General Motors has always been working on an electric car.
Nelson Mandela has always been free and a force in South Africa.
Rap music has always been mainstream.
Religious leaders have always been telling politicians what to do, or else!
“Off the hook” has never had anything to do with a telephone.
Music has always been “unplugged.”
Russia has always had a multi-party political system.
Women have always been police chiefs in major cities.
They were born the year Harvard Law Review Editor Barack Obama announced he might run for office some day.
Classmates could include Michelle Wie, Jordin Sparks, and Bart Simpson.
Half of them may have been members of the Baby-sitters Club.
Wal-Mart has always been a larger retailer than Sears and has always employed more workers than GM.
Being “lame” has to do with being dumb or inarticulate, not disabled.
Al Gore has always been running for president or thinking about it.
They were too young to understand Judas Priest’s subliminal messages.
When all else fails, the Prozac defense has always been a possibility.
They grew up in Wayne’s World.
U2 has always been more than a spy plane.
They were introduced to Jack Nicholson as “The Joker.”
Stadiums, rock tours and sporting events have always had corporate names.
American rock groups have always appeared in Moscow.
Commercial product placements have been the norm in films and on TV.
Fox has always been a major network.
They drove their parents crazy with the Beavis and Butt-Head laugh.
Women’s studies majors have always been offered on campus.
Thanks to MySpace and Facebook, autobiography can happen in real time.
They learned about JFK from Oliver Stone and Malcolm X from Spike Lee.
Most phone calls have never been private.
High definition television has always been available.
Microbreweries have always been ubiquitous.
Virtual reality has always been available when the real thing failed.
Smoking has never been allowed in public spaces in France.
China has always been more interested in making money than in reeducation.
Time has always worked with Warner.
Tiananmen Square is a 2008 Olympics venue, not the scene of a massacre.
The purchase of ivory has always been banned.
MTV has never featured music videos.
The space program has never really caught their attention except in disasters.
Jerry Springer has always been lowering the level of discourse on TV.
They get much more information from Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert than from the newspaper.
They’re always texting 1 n other.
They will encounter roughly equal numbers of female and male professors in the classroom.
They never saw Johnny Carson live on television.
Avatars have nothing to do with Hindu deities.
Chavez has nothing to do with iceberg lettuce and everything to do with oil.
Illinois has been trying to ban smoking since the year they were born.
The World Wide Web has been an online tool since they were born.
Chronic fatigue syndrome has always been debilitating and controversial.
Burma has always been Myanmar.
Dilbert has always been ridiculing cubicle culture.
Food packaging has always included nutritional labeling.

God's playing field

enjoy being a vengeful God

VU - VIF

Velvet Underground's classic Venus in Furs (1967) based on the 1870 book of the same name by Austrian author Leopold von Sacher-Masoch (who kindly donated his name to 'masochism').

More football quotes

I never comment on referees, and I am not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat. (Ron Atkinson)
Brazil - they're so good it's like they are running around the pitch playing with themselves.(John Motson)
One year I played fifteen months.(Franz Beckenbauer)
All the Leeds team are 100% behind the manager, but I can't speak for the rest of the squad. (Brian Greenhoff)
It wasn't a bad performance, but you can't tell whether it was good or bad. (Jimmy Hill)
For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the yellow strip.
(John Motson)
We are now in the middle of the centre of the first half.(David Pleat)
If history is going to repeat itself I think we can expect the same thing again.
(Terry Venables)
Our fans have been branded with the same brush.(Ron Atkinson)
I've had a good rest, I've had holidays, got to know the wife again, but I've started itching recently.(Joe Royle)
The goals made such a difference to the way this game went.(John Motson)
Zola's got two feet.(David Pleat)
It may have been going wide, but nevertheless it was a great shot on target.(Terry Venables)
If England are going to win this match, they're going to have to score a goal.(Jimmy Hill)
The World Cup is every four years, so it's going to be a perennial problem. (Gary Lineker)
We were a little bit outnumbered there, it was two against two.(Frank McLintock)
Hearts are now playing with a five-man back four. (Alan McInally)
I never make predictions, and I never will. (Paul Gascoigne)
And Ritchie has now scored 11 goals, exactly double the number he scored last season.
(Alan Parry)
Apart from their goals, Norway wouldn't have scored.(Terry Venables)
He's like all great players, but he's not a great player yet.(Trevor Francis)
It's his first cap, so he's not got a lot of experience at this level.(Brian Marwood)
The World Cup is a truly international event.(John Motson)
If they play together, you've got two of them (Dion Dublin)
The 3-5-3 system isn't working for them.(Eamonn Dunphy)
He hasn't been the normal Paul Scholes today, and he's not the only one. (Alvin Martin)
Scotland don't have to score tonight, but they do have to win. (Billy McNeill)
the Derby fans walking home absolutely silent in their cars. (Alan Brazil)
Gerry Taggart has been booked for a caution. (Dave Bassett)
It seems that they're playing with one leg tied together.(Kenny Sansom)
We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we thought. (Bobby Robson)
I don't think anyone enjoyed it, apart from the people who watched it. (Alan Hansen)
If the goalkeeper wasn't there, it would have been a goal. (Dave Bassett)
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
(George Best)
Let's close our eyes and see what happens. (Jimmy Greaves)
It is a Cup Final, and the one who wins it goes through. (Jimmy Hill)
Solskjaer never misses the target. That time he hit the post. (Peter Schmeichel)
And Arsenal have plenty of time to dictate the last few seconds. (Dave Bassett)
A bit of retaliation there, though not actually on the same player. (Frank Stapleton)
The unexpected is always likely to happen.(John Motson)
Unfortunately, we don't get a second chance. We've already played them twice.
(Trevor Brooking)
I don't want to be either partial or impartial.(Frank McLintock)
It's like a toaster, the ref's shirt pocket. Every time there's a tackle, up pops a yellow card.(Kevin Keegan)
The Belgians will play like their fellow Scandinavians, Denmark and Sweden. (Andy Townsend)
Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales. (Ron Greenwood)
He's got a knock on his shin there, just above the knee. (Frank Stapleton)
I strongly feel that the only difference between the two teams were the goals that England scored. (Craig Brown)
I'm not convinced that Scotland will play a typically English game. (Gareth Southgate)

football quotes

"If he gets a yard ahead of himself, nobody will catch him." (Bobby Robson)
"Mentally, John Terry is as strong as an ox." (Michael Owen)
"Women should be in the kitchen, the discotheque and the boutique, but not in football." (Ron Atkinson)
"Oh Dear, his right leg collided with himself there." (Mark Bright)
"I felt a lump in my throat when the ball went in." (Terry Venables)
"Our back four was at sixes and sevens." (Ron Atkinson)
"It's a case of putting all our eggs into the next ninety minutes." (Phil Neal)
"A penalty is a cowardly way to score." (Pele)
"Only Father Christmas and I work 365 days a year, and he finishes earlier." (Football agent, Eric Hall)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." (Stuart Pearce)
"For Tony Adams to admit he was an alcoholic took a lot of bottle." (Ian Wright)
"My players think a tackle is something you go fishing with." (Barry Fry, former Barnet manager)
"When you go 2-0 down, you'd sell your granny for a point." (Sean O'Driscoll, Bournemouth manager)
"We are about to enter the biggest period in Palace's immediate past history." (Iain Dowie, Crystal Palace)
"The good news for Nigeria is that they are 2-0 down very early in the game." (Kevin Keegan)
"The terrible thing about my job is that footballers get 80% of my earnings." (Football agent, Eric Hall)
"It was the first four goals that cost us the game." (Dave Jones, ex Southampton manager)

a motto for Britain

recently The Times put out a call for suggestions for a five or six word "British motto". The great unwashed had fun with some of their answers:

Once mighty empire, slightly used
We apologise for the inconvenience
You're having a laugh, mate
Dipso Fatso Bingo Asbo Tesco
Chicken tikka masala, chips and rice
Let's discuss it down the pub
No mottos please - We're British
Mind your own bloody business!
Hey! We made this Game!
sorry, is this the queue?
Did you spill my pint?
A camera on every corner
No problem left untaxed
Village Hall If Raining
Best before nineteen thirty nine
May contain nuts
Britain in five words? Pants.
The end justifies the spin
Masters of the English Language. Innit?
Euros not accepted here, sorry

Where did all the air come from?

student does not take kindly to practical joke

just like that

Tommy Cooper jokes

I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'

I went to the doctors. He said 'What appears to be the problem?'.
I said 'I keep having the same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away'.
He said 'How can I help?'.
I said 'Break my arms!'

I went to the doctor the other day,
I said 'it hurts when I do that'
he said ' well don't do it'

So I said to the taxi driver, 'King Arthur's Close'. He said,
'Don't worry, we'll lose him at the next set of lights'

A man walks into a greengrocer's and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.
And the greengrocer says, we only sell kilos.
So the man says, alright then, I'll have five pounds of kilos.

And he said 'My dog doesn't eat meat'.
I said 'Why not?'.
He said 'We don't give him any'

I knocked at my friend's door and his wife answered the door.
I said 'Is Jim in?'.
She didn't reply, just stood there looking at me.
So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his wife's elbow.
'Sorry luv' she said 'We buried him last Thursday'.
'He didn't say anything about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?'

I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'.
He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'.
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'.
He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat.
Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

I'm on a whisky diet,
i've lost three days already.

I was introduced to the Queen after a Royal Command Performance.
'Do you think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes Tommy,' said the Queen.
'You really thought I was funny?', I said.
'Yes of course I thought you were funny' said the Queen.
'Did your Mother think I was funny?' I said.
'Yes, Tommy...' said the Queen, '...we both thought you were funny.'
'Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?' I said.
'No, ..." said the Queen, '....but I might not be able to give you a full answer.'
'Do you like football?' I said.
'Well not really ' said the Queen.'
'In that case, ...' I said, '....do you mind if I have your Cup Final tickets?'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism."
So I did, and I got it....

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places.
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's crosseyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

I bought a greyhound about a month ago,
A friend of mine said to me,
'what are you going to do with it?'
I said 'I'm going to race it'.
He said 'by the look of it I think you'll beat it'

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, 'I think I've lost an electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
The first says, 'Yes, I'm positive... '

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"


So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said
'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me
'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me
"Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

So I started playing the piano and this elephant burst
into tears, I said "do you recognise the tune?", he
said "I recognise the ivory".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought
"he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt
saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of
snow. I rang her up, I said "Do you get my drift?".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman
wrapped in a barcode.I said "Are you two an item?".

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week .... and pulled a mussel.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right the steaks are too high."

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

schoolyard conversation

First Boy: My name is Billy. What's yours?

Second Boy: Tommy.

Billy: My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?

Tommy: My Daddy's a lawyer.

Billy: Honest?

Tommy: No, just the regular kind.

quotes from The Office

“If you were to ask me to name three geniuses, I probably wouldn’t say Einstein, Newton... I’d go Milligan, Cleese, Everett. Sessions.”
David Brent (Series 1 Episode 2)

“What is the single most important thing for a company? Is it the building? Is it the stock? Is it the turnover? It’s the people, investment in people. My proudest moment here wasn’t when I increased profits by 17%, or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. It was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, hardly spoke a word of English, but he came to me and he went ‘Mr. Brent, will you be the Godfather to my child?’.
Didn’t happen in the end. We had to let him go, he was rubbish. He was rubbish!”
Brent (Series 1 Episode 1)

“He’s thrown a kettle over a pub, what have you done?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 3)

“I live with my parents.”
“Cherish them. Both of mine are dead. Well, my dad’s not dead, but in a home, so good as.”
Tim and David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“In fact, a postage stamp is legal tender. A bus driver would have to accept that as currency.”
“Yeah, that’d happen.”
“Well, if he doesn’t, report him.”
“Yeah, I’ll report him while I’m walking home.”
“Get a taxi, if you’ve got enough stamps.”
“or cash ‘em in at the Post Office.”
“Shouldn’t have to. Shouldn’t have to.”
David, Tim, Gareth and Dawn (Series 1 Episode 4)

“It’s like an alarm clock’s gone off, and I’ve just got to get away. I think it was John Lennon who said: “Life is what happens when you’re making other plans.”, and that’s how I feel. Although he also said: “I am the Walrus I am the eggman” so I don’t know what to believe.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 6)

“If a good man comes to me, and says thank you David, for the opportunity and continued support in the work-related arena, but I’ve done that, I wanna better myself, I wanna move on, then I can make that dream come true, to, AKA, for you.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“What ones are your that I use?”
“Same shit, different day, that’s mine. Exsqueeze me, instead of excuse me.”
“Wankyou very much.”
“Yeah, I invented that.”
Gareth, David and Tim (Series 1 Episode 3)

“So when are you leaving me?”
“erm, probably won’t be for quite a while.”
“Autumn?”
“Probably not.”
“I thought you wanted to go back to university and everything?”
“Yeah, I will, but there’s a slight bit of a change in plan.”
“Oh, right.”
“David’s made me senior sales clerk.”
“Wow. I thought you wanted to be a psychologist.”
“Oh, yeah, but senior sales clerk, it’s £500 guaranteed extra a year, and if I do a bit of networking, then there’s every chance I could be in David’s chair in 3 years.”
“And all that talk about moving on in the world?”
“No, I said moving up, yeah, moving up. Moving up can mean within an internal ladder framework, or sideways to external, then up. You know, you gotta look at the whole pie, vis-à-vis my current life situation.”
Dawn and Tim (Series 1 Episode 6)

“All farmers have wives.”
“This one doesn’t, he’s gay.”
“Well, then, he shouldn’t be allowed near animals should he.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

“People look at me, they say he’s tough, he was in the army he’s gonna be hard, by the book. But I am caring, and sensitive. Isn’t Schindler’s list a brilliant film?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“This is the accounts department, the number bods. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions, they are absolutely mad, all of ‘em. Especially that one, he’s mental. Not literally of course, that wouldn’t work.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“I could catch a monkey. If I was starving I could. I’d make poison darts out of the poison of the deadly frogs. One milligram of that poison can kill a monkey. Or a man. Prick yourself and you’d be dead within a day. Or longer. Different frogs, different times.”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“I don’t know where we’re going tonight. Obviously Finchy’s a sophisticated guy, and Gareth’s a culture vulture, so will it be opera, ballet, I don’t know. I think the RSCs in town, so er... having said that at Chasers it hooch for a pound and wonderbras get in free night.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

Gareth, trying out a chat up line in Chasers:
“Condom’s come in all different flavours nowadays. There’s strawberry and curry and that. Do you like curry?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“Have you made any redundancies?”
“I gave a speech, only this morning, to my staff, assuring them there would not be cutbacks at this branch, and that there certainly wouldn’t be redundancies.”
“Well why on earth would you do that?”
“Why? Ooh, a little word that I think’s important in management called morale.”
“Well surely it’s gonna be worse for morale in the long run when there are going to be redundancies and you’ve told people there won’t be.”
“...... they won’t remember.”
Jennifer and David (Series 1 Episode 2)

“He proposed on a Valentine’s day, although he didn’t do it face to face, he did it in one of the little Valentine bits in the paper. I think he had to pay for it by the word, because it just said ‘Lee love Dawn, marriage?’ which you know, I like, because it’s not often you get to something that’s both romantic and thrifty.”
Dawn (Series 1 Episode 4)

“So there I am, back of the cab, both of them got their laughing gear round my old single barrel pump action yoghurt rifle, yeah-”
“ha, his knob.”
Finchy and David (Series 1 Episode 5)

“There are limits to my comedy. There are things that I’ll never laugh at. The handicapped. Because there’s nothing funny about them. Or any deformity. It’s like when you see someone look at a little handicapped and go ‘ooh, look at him, he’s not able-bodied. I am, I’m prejudiced.’ Yeah, well, at least the little handicapped fella is able-minded. Unless he’s not, it’s difficult to tell with the wheelchair ones.”
David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“Well, there’s good news and bad news. The bad news is that Neil will be taking over both branches, and some of you will lose your jobs. Those of you who are kept on will have to relocate to Swindon, if you wanna stay. I know, gutting. On a more positive note, the good news is, I’ve been promoted, so....every cloud. You’re still thinking about the bad news aren’t you?”
David (Series 1 Episode 6)
“Gareth, quick test exercise, ultimate fantasy?”
“hmm?”
“We’re just doing the ultimate fantasy, we’re all doing it.”
“Two lesbians probably, sisters. I’m just watching.”
“oh, um, Tim? Do you have one?”
“I’d never thought I’d have to say this, but can I hear more from Gareth please?”
Rowan, Gareth, David and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

“We go there every Wednesday night, and it’s a fun place, but it’s full of loose women. My own problem with that is venereal disease, which is disabilitating right, especially for a soldier. And it’s irresponsible to the rest of your unit as well, right. You’ve been under attack for days, there’s a soldier down, he’s wounded, gangrene’s setting in, ‘who’s used all the penicillin?’ ‘Oh, Mark Paxon sir, he’s got knobrot off some tart.’”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“The thing is though, no-one’s dispensable in my book, because we’re like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they’re like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.”
“And what part are you?”
“Good question. Probably the humour.”
David and Jennifer (Series 1 Episode 2)

Gareth on possible redundancies:
“I’m not worried for me, I’ll be alright, but if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. I mean, that’s just natural selection, in the wild some people wouldn’t survive. Imagine a warehouse, where a little midget fellow is driving a forklift. He can’t see over the top, he’s got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals, cos of his little legs. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Anton’s a lovely bloke, but should he be working here?”
Gareth (Series 1 Episode 1)

“Slough’s nightlife is incredible; it’s got two nightclubs, it’s got Chasers and New York, New York. They call it the nightclub that never sleeps. That closes at one. There was, oh my god, a themed nightclub called Henry the Eights. This was incredible. It had the Anne Bol-inn, this is true, as you went into the loo, there was a sign that said mind your head, nice, and underneath someone had written ‘And don’t get your Hampton Court.’ It’s not there any more. But not a day goes by that I don’t think about it.”
Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

“When cherries are ripe, they're ready for plucking, when girls are sixteen, they're ready-”
“Gareth!”
Gareth and David (Series 1 Episode 5)


“This is Sanj, this guy does the best Ali G impersonation, Aiiieee. I can’t do it, go on, do it.”
“I don’t, must be someone else.”
“Oh, sorry, it’s the other one-”
“The other what..... Paki?”
“Ah, that’s racist.”
Sanj and David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“Who’s been thinking of leaving?”
“I have.”
“Well that's just stupid, you’ve got a job here for life.”
“Yeah, actually I don’t want to spend my life answering phones in some crappy sub-branch paper merchants.”
“Dawn, work hard enough, and you could be answering those phones in head office, or a better paper merchants.”
Tim, Dawn and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 4)

“What, you got a problem with Ricky?”
“No no no, sleep with everyone in the office, he’s not even a permanent member of staff. I’d have preferred it if you’d slept with Gareth.”
"Wouldn’t happen.”
“Oh why, ‘cos he didn't go to university?”
“No, ‘cos he's a little weasel-faced arse.”
“Ah, you could do worse than Gareth, he hasn't missed one day, and don’t call my second in command an arse-faced weasel-”
“A weasel-faced arse.”
“Same thing.”
“Well no it’s not. Would you rather have a face like an arse or a face like a weasel?”
“Weasel probably”
Donna, David and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 5)

“When people say to me: would you rather be thought of as a funny man or a great boss? My answer’s always the same, to me, they’re not mutually exclusive.”
David (Series 1 Episode 2)

“Boring isn’t it? Just staying in, watching Peak Practice with your life.”
“mmm, yeah.”
“Not for me. I like it.”
“Yeah, I just stayed in, had a big wank”
Keith and Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

“You upset? about Lee is it? Hey don’t worry, right, ‘cos you know monkey Alan in the warehouse, he says he fancies you, even if no-one else does.”
“Can’t say anything when they’re like that.”
“No, you can’t, I was doing OK.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 4)

Brent whilst showing how easy it is to find porn on the internet:
“ ‘Dutch girls must be punished for having big boobs.’ Now you do not punish someone, Dutch or otherwise for having big boobs.”
“If anything they should be rewarded.”
“They should be equal.”
“Women are equal.”
“I’ve always said that.”
David and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“So the only reason you’ve been talking to me is ‘cos you want to shag me?”
“yeah, and from behind ‘cos you're breath stinks of onions and I didn’t tell you that did I?!”
“Wahey, one up the bum, no harm done.”
“No, not up the arse.”
Woman in nightclub, David and Finchy (Series 1 Episode 5)

“What you in so early for? Shit the bed?”
“Ha! No. Haven’t done that for weeks.”
Joan and Tim (Series 1 Episode 3)

“To be honest I think you’re mad to let me and Finchy on the bleedin telly. We’re like Morecambe and Wise when we’re together. No, not Morecambe and Wise, because there’s no straight man, there’s no dead wood. I’m more sort of character based, and he’s more of a gag man. I do gags as well.”
David (Series 1 Episode 3)

“I’ve created an atmosphere where I’m a friend first, boss second. Probably entertainer third.”
David (Series 1 Episode 1)

“In this room, I have special-”
“Needs?”
“No, I am a special-”
“Needs child?”
“No. And that’s not even funny.”
Tim and Gareth (Series 1 Episode 2)

“We’re both good in our own fields. I’m sure Texas couldn’t run and manage a successful paper merchants. I couldn’t do what-, well, I could do what they do, and I think they knew that, even back then. Probably what spurred them on.”
David (Series 1 Episode 4)

“If you’re so clever, what am I thinking now?”
“You’re thinking how can I kill a tiger armed only with a biro.”
“No.”
“You’re thinking if I crash land in a jungle will I be able to eat my own shoes.”
“No. And you can’t”
“What are you thinking Gareth?”
“I was just wondering whether will there ever be a boy born who can swim faster than a shark.”
Gareth and Tim (Series 1 Episode 5)

Brent talking about Donna:
“Her dad’s not only a copper, but he’s a bloody big bugger isn’t he? So hands off.”
“I’ve got something she could take down in evidence!”
“Oh, don’t worry about this lot.”
“Do you wanna receive some swollen goods?”
“I wouldn’t mind escaping up her tunnel!”
“Get out. Get out, I mean it.”
David and some employees (Series 1 Episode 2)

“This is the poem Slough, by Sir John Betjemen, probably never been here in his life. ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, it isn’t fit for humans now.’ Right, I don’t think you solve town planning problems by dropping bombs all over the place, he’s embarrassed himself there. Next ‘In labour saving homes with care, their wives frizz out peroxide hair, and dry it in synthetic air, and paint their nails-’ they wanna look nice, what’s the matter, doesn’t he like girls? ‘And talks of sports and makes of cars, and various bogus Tudor bars, and daren’t look up and see the stars, but belch instead.’ What's he on about? What, has he never burped? ‘Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough, to get it ready for the plough. The cabbages are coming now, the earth exhales-’ He’s the only cabbage round here. And they made him a knight of the realm. Overrated.”
David (Series 1 Episode 5)

“You grow up, you work half a century, you get a golden handshake, you rest a couple of years and you’re dead. And the only thing that makes that crazy ride worthwhile is ‘Did I enjoy it? What did I learn? What was the point?’ That’s where I come in. You’ve seen how I react to people, make them feel good, make them think that anything’s possible. If I make them laugh along the way, sue me. And I don’t do it so they turn round and go ‘Thank you David for the opportunity, thank you for the wisdom, thank you for the laughs.’ I do it so, one day, someone will go ‘There goes David Brent. I must remember to thank him.’”
David (Series 1 Episode 6)

Reginald Perrin - papist rapists

which bank?

A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes up to a customer service rep and says, Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass in line anymore."

"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."

"Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin away about my language."

"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.

"Well then let's get the fuckin manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?"

The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"

The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."

The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin check for 15 million dollars."

The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin bitch won't help you?"

Deaf Karaoke

Meeting the wizard

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

Wonders never cease

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Why not not eat pigs together?

Tim Minchin - Peace anthem for Palestine

Late-Night Jokes About the Iraqi Election

"The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalising gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno

"Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." –Jon Stewart

"A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

"They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno

"The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

"Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

"Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

"Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington DC and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think it could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote: The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have their Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

"You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

Interpretations

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A few minutes later, they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

lewd limericks

(size isn't everything)
There once was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

(the miser)
There once was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".

(problem child)
There was a lady who triplets begat
their names be Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

(motoring accident)
There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

(Kennedy Limerick)
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And that was the end of HIS ass!

(fatherly advice)
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His papa said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

(who's in charge)
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

(moby dick)
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!"