classic Blackadder quotes

[Blackadder is writing a letter to Amy, as dictated by the Prince.]
Prince George: Tally ho, my fine, saucy young trollop. Your luck's in. Trip along here with all your cash and some naughty night attire, and you'll be staring at my bedroom ceiling from now till Christmas, you lucky tart. Yours with the deepest respect etc. Signed George. PS Woof, woof!
Blackadder: Ah, yes your highness...if I may change one small aspect?
Prince George: What?
Blackadder: The words?


Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to solve the problem.
Blackadder: Yes Baldrick. Let us not forget you tried to solve the problem of your mother's low ceiling by cutting off her head.

Blackadder: Oh God bills, bills, bills. One is born, one runs up bills, one dies. Honestly Baldrick, sometimes I feel like a pelican - whichever way I turn, I've still got an enormous bill in front of me.


Blackadder: Baldrick, I would like to say how much I will miss your honest, friendly companionship.
Baldrick: Thank you Mr. B.
Blackadder: But, as we both know, it would be an utter lie. I will therefore confine myself to saying simply sod off, and if I ever meet you again, it will be twenty billion years too soon.


Blackadder: [Describing Baldrick's poetry] It started badly, it tailed off a little in the middle and the less said about the end the better, but apart from that it was excellent.

George: The war started because of the vile Hun and his villainous empire building.
Blackadder: George, the British Empire at present covers a quarter of the globe, while the German Empire consists of a small sausage factory in Tanganyika. I hardly think we can we can be entirely absolved from blame on the imperialistic front.

Blackadder: This is a crisis, a large crisis. In fact, if you've got a moment, it's a twelve-storey crisis with a magnificent entrance hall, carpeted throughout; twenty-four hour porterage and an enormous sign on the roof saying 'This is a Large Crisis'.


Baldrick: I don't like them doctors. If they start poking around inside me...
Blackadder: Baldrick, why would anyone wish to poke around inside you?
Baldrick: They might find me interesting.
Blackadder: I find the Great Northern and Metropolitan sewage system interesting, but that doesn't mean I want to put on some rubber gloves and pull things out of it with a pair of tweezers.



Darling: A German spy is giving away every one of our battle plans.
Melchett: You look surprised, Blackadder.
Blackadder: I certainly am sir. I didn't realize we had any battle plans.
Melchett: Of course we've got plans! How else do you think our battles are directed?
Blackadder: Our battles are directed, sir?
Melchett: Of course they are. Directed accoring to the grand plan.
Blackadder: Oh I see. And would that be the plan to continue with total slaughter until everybody's dead except Field Marshal Haig, Lady Haig, and their tortoise, Alan?


Melchett: Now, Field Marshal Haig has formulated a brilliant tactical plan to ensure final victory in the field
Blackadder: Would this brilliant plan involve us climbing over the top of our trenches and walking, very slowly towards the enemy?
Darling: How did you know that Blackadder? It's classified information
Blackadder: It's the same plan we used last time, and the seventeen times before that
Melchett: E-e-exactly! And that is what is so brilliant about it. It will catch the watchful Hun totally off guard. Doing exactly what we've done eighteen times before will be the last thing they expect us to do this time.

[George is preparing to paint Blackadder]
Blackadder: Right, you ready?
George: Yes, if you just want to pop your clothes on the stool
Blackadder: I'm sorry?
George: Just pop your clothes on the stool over there
Blackadder: You mean... you want me... tackle out?
George: Well, I'd have thought so yes
Blackadder: If I can remind you of the realities of battle George, one of the first things everyone notices is that all the protagonists keep their clothes ON. Neither we nor the Hun favout fighting our battles au naturel...
George: It's artistic licence sir... it's the willing suspension of disbelief
Blackadder: Well I'm not having anyone staring in disbelief at my willy suspension!


Percy: I must say Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigours of the day begin.
Blackadder: It is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company so that through learned discourse he may rise above the savage and closer to God.
Percy: [Delighted] Yes, I'd heard that.
Blackadder: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.


Blackadder: The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the devil's own satanic herd!

[Blackadder is selling his house. Mr. and Mrs. Pants are looking around.]
Mrs. Pants: Strange smell.
Blackadder: Yes, that's the servant - he'll be gone.
Mr. Pants: You're really worked out your banter, haven't you?
Blackadder: No, not really. This is a different thing, it's spontaneous and it's called wit.

Blackadder: This place stinks like a pair of armoured trousers after the Hundred Years War. Baldrick, have you been eating dung again?


Percy: Oh, come on Edmund. The greatest explorer of our age is coming home. The streets have never been so gay. Women are laughing, children are singing. Oh look, look, there's a man being indecently assaulted by nine foreign sailors and he's still got a smile on his face.


Young Crone: Do have an appointment?
Blackadder: No.
Young Crone: Well, you can go in anyway.
Blackadder: Thank you, young crone. Here is a purse full of moneys...which I'm not going to give to you.


Blackadder: I've had it up to here with that Prince. One more insult and our contract will be as broken as this jug
Baldrick: But that jug's not broken
Blackadder: You really do walk right into these things, don't you Baldrick?
[Smashes the jug on Baldrick's head]

Blackadder: She's got the worst personality in Germany. And as you can imagine, that's up against some pretty stiff competition.


Flashheart: Eat knuckle, Fritz. [He knocks Blackadder to the ground and holds him there with his foot.] How disgusting, a Bosch on the sole of my boot. I shall have to find a patch of grass to wipe it in. I'll be shunned in the Officer's Mess. "Sorry about the pong, you fellas; trod in the Bosch and can't get rid of the WHIFF."
Blackadder: If we could dispense with the hilarious doggie-doo metaphor for a moment, I am not a Bosch, this is a British trench.
Flashheart: Thank heaven for that, thought I'd landed sausage-side. Mind if I use your phone? If word gets out I'm dead, five hundred girls will kill themselves. I wouldn't want them on my conscience, not when they oughta be on my FACE.


Baldrick: I'm glad to say you won't be needing those pills Mr. B.
Blackadder: Am I jumping the gun Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick: They certainly are.
Blackadder: Well forgive me if I don't jump up and down with glee, your record in this department is not exactly 100%.


Blackadder: I was wondering whether, after being tortured by the most vicious sadist in the German army, I might be allowed a week's leave to recuperate.
Melchett: Excellent idea - your commanding officer would have to be stark raving mad to refuse you.
Blackadder: You are my commanding officer.
Melchett: Well?
Blackadder: Can I have a weeks leave to recuperate sir?
Melchett: Certainly not.
Blackadder: Thank you sir.
Melchett: Baaah!


George: You know what would cheer you up? A Charlie Chaplain film! Oh I love old chappers, don't you cap?
Blackadder: Unfortunately no, I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and then discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
Plan A: Captain Cook (series 4)
[Blackadder puts the phone down.]
Baldrick: Who was that?
Blackadder: Strangely enough Baldrick, that was his Holiness Pope Gregory IX, inviting me to join him for drinks aboard his steam yacht, the Saucy Sue, currently wintering in Montego Bay, with the England cricket team, and the Balinese Goddes of Plenty.
Baldrick: Really?
Blackadder: No, not really. I've been ordered to HQ - no doubt means that idiot General Melchett is about to offer me an attractive new opportunity to have my brains blown out for Britain.


Blackadder: I remember Massingbird's most famous case - the Case of the Bloody Knife. A man was found next to a murdered body. He had the knife in his hand, thirteen witnesses had seen him stab the victim and when the police arrived he said 'I'm glad I killed the bastard.' Massingbird not only got him off, he got hom knighted in the New Year's Honours list, and the relatives of the victim had to pay to get the blood washed out of his jacket.

Blackadder: Baldrick, does it have to be this way? Our valued friendship ending with me cutting you up into strips and telling the prince that you walked over a very sharp cattle grid in an extremely heavy hat?


Blackadder: Doesn't anyone know? We hate the French! We fight wars against them! Did all those men die in vain on the field of Agincourt? Was the man who burnt Joan of Arc simply wasting good matches?


Baldrick: But then I'll go to hell for ever for stealing!
Blackadder: Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.


[Baldrick has just been made a lord, much to Blackadder's annoyance, and been given £400,000.]
Blackadder: Give me the bloody money, Baldrick or you're dead.
Baldrick: Give me the bloody money Baldrick or you're dead, MY LORD.
Blackadder: Just do it Baldrick, or I shall further enoble you by knighting you very clumsily with this meat cleaver.

Blackadder: We are reprieved. It is a triumph for stupidity over common sense.
Baldrick: Thank you very much.
Blackadder: As a special reward, Baldrick, take a short holiday. [Pauses for a second.] Did you enjoy it?


Queen Elizabeth: And me, did you miss me, Edmund?
Blackadder: Madam, life without you was like a broken pencil.
Queen Elizabeth: Explain?
Blackadder: Pointless.

[Melchett offers an idea to relieve his and Blackadder's boredom.]
Lord Melchett: Well, perhaps some pleasant word game?
Blackadder: Yes, alright. Make a sentence out of the following words: face, sodding, your, shut.


Percy: Fashion today is towards the tiny.
Edmund: Well in that case Percy, you have the most fashionable brain in London.


Hag: Two things, my lord, must thee know of the Wise Woman. First, she is...a woman, and second, she is...
Edmund: Wise?
Hag: Oh! You know her then?
Edmund: No, just a wild stab in the dark, which, is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being a bit more helpful. Do you know where she lives?


Blackadder: We've been sitting here since Christmas 1914, during which millions of men have died, and we've advanced no further than an asthmatic ant with some heavy shopping.


Blackadder: Sir, is there something the matter?
General Melchett: You're damned right there's something the matter! Something sinister & something grotesque. And what's worse is that it's going on right under my very nose!
Blackadder: Sir, your moustache is lovely.


George: Oh, sir, just one thing - if we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.


Nurse Mary: Ah, Captain Blackadder. I hope you're going to conduct yourself with a little more decorum this time.
Blackadder: No, I'm going to conduct myself with no decorum. Shove off.


Blackadder: Good day, cousin McAdder. I trust you are well.
McAdder: Aye, well enough.
Blackadder: And Morag?
McAdder: She bides fine.
Blackadder: And how stands that mighty army, the clan McAdder?
McAdder: They're both well.


Blackadder: He's about as effective as a cat flap in an elephant house.

Baldrick: I have a plan, sir.
Blackadder: Really, Baldrick, a cunning and subtle one?
Baldrick: Yes, sir.
Blackadder: As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?


Blackadder: A war hasn't been fought this badly since Olaf the Hairy, High Chief of all the Vikings, accidently ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.


Blackadder: The guns have stopped because we are about to attack. Not even our generals are mad enough to shell their own men. They feel it's more sporting to let the Germans do it.


Blackadder: It is strangely keeping in the manner of our courtship that your maid of honour should be a man.
Baldrick: Thank you very much, my lord.
Blackadder: I use the word 'man' in the broadest possible sense. For as we all know, God created man in his own image, and it would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you, Baldrick.


Blackadder: You see, Baldrick, in order to prevent war in Europe, two superblocs developed: us, the French and the Russians on one side, and the Germans and Austro-Hungary on the other. The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Baldrick: But - this is a sort of a war, isn't it sir?
Blackadder: Yes that's right, you see there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
George: What was that sir?
Blackadder: It was bollocks.


[Blackadder is interrogating Darling trying to find a German spy]
Captain Darling: I'm as British as Queen Victoria!
Blackadder: So your father's German, you're half German and you married a German?


Lord Flashheart: Always treat your kite like you treat your woman!
George: How do you mean, sir? Do you mean take her home at the weekend to meet your mother?
Lord Flashheart: No! Get inside her five times a day and take her to heaven and back!


Blackadder: Right Baldrick, let's try again. This is called adding. If I have two beans and then I add two more beans, what do I have?
Baldrick: Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes...and no. Let's try again, shall we? I have two beans, then I add to more beans what does that make?
Baldrick: A very small casserole.
Blackadder: Baldrick, the ape creature of the Indus have mastered this. Now, try again. One, two, three, four! So how many are there?
Baldrick: Three
Blackadder: What.
Baldrick: (Pointing to one) And that one.
Blackadder: (Picking it up) Three and that one. So if I add that one to the three what will I have?
Baldrick: Ah! Some beans.
Blackadder: Yes. To you Baldrick, the rennaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn't it?