Monday, March 31, 2008

sllepnig tset

Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Taxes M&A Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

laugh and the world laughs with you, unless you are Canadian

Internet "research" into jokes various European nations find funny

what the Germans like:
"Why is television called a medium? Because it is neither rare nor well-done."

The French:
"You're a high-priced lawyer! If I give you $500, will you answer two questions for me?"

"Absolutely! What's the second question?"

The Belgians:
"Well, you see, there are basically three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those that can't."

The Swedes:
"A guy phones the local hospital and yells, `you've gotta send help! My wife's in labour!" The nurse says, `calm down. Is this her first child?' He replies, `no! This is her husband!"'

Canadians are not funny, apparently, nor are they European, but they like this:
"What do you call a woman who can balance four pints of beer on her head? Beatrix."

Men like:
"A guy walked into a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: `well, I can clearly see you're nuts."'

Whereas women prefer:
"A man walks into a bar with a piece of Tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: `A pint for me, and one for the road'."

And the best the Brits came up with:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go camping, and pitch their tent under the stars.

During the night, Holmes wakes his companion and says: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."

Watson says: "I see millions of stars, and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replies: "Watson, you idiot. Somebody stole our tent ..."

Saturday, March 29, 2008

solace of quantum

How many Quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends on the room size — you need to fill the room first with blind-folded scientists. Then, upon a signal, they all remove the blindfolds and look toward the general area of the ‘old’ bulb. Then, when the waveform collapses, whoever is CLOSEST to the newly ‘congealed’ bulb, grabs it, and WITHOUT blinking, makes the change. Also, this procedure MAY require one additional physicist to remove a dead cat from the room.

Friday, March 28, 2008


An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute "

"Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad . as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ...."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff .... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"

Thursday, March 27, 2008

jokes from the Edinburgh festival

The dodo died, then Dodi died, Di died, and Dando died... Dido must be shitting herself.
Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

I saw Lee Majors the bionic man the other day on the Royal Mile. He looked a million dollars... he's really let himself go...
Eddie Bannon at the Gilded Balloon

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Q: Who are the most decent people in the hospital? A: The ultrasound people.
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day.. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won't get much done."
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It's called jail.
Colin Ramone at The Stand

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn't work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn't care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it's you."
Karl Spain at the Gilded Balloon

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

Seeing these three elderly ladies fall about laughing at a fart joke was an act of human defiance for me - they might not be here on Tuesday.
Daniel Kitson (right) at The Stand

They sent flowers to the funeral. And I couldn't help thinking, if you'd sent them before, she'd have pulled through her illness.
Reginald D. Hunter at the Pleasance

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they're enjoying it as well.
Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Shit, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
Jimmy Carr at the International Conference Centre

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have botox. The surgeon said to me: "That's $8,000." I couldn't even look shocked.
Shazia Mirza at the Pleasance

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork...
Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

A quick way to lose weight: subtract your birth weight, because you haven't gained that part.
Carsten Bang, from Danish Comedy, at the Gilded Balloon

When I was in prison I played football for the stalkers. We weren't bad players but when one of us would go for the ball, we'd all go. There was no one looking for space.
Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

The Butler Report is the political equivalent of saying, "Leave it out lads, we've all had a drink".
Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber".
Steven Alan Green at C34

I've just become a lesbian. At first I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi but I'm definitely vegan so I'm moving in the right direction.
Jade the Folksinger at the Pleasance

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

I read a book called The Secret Life of Adolf Hitler. It told me things that I never knew. For instance, when Hitler was having sex he liked to pee on people. That put me right off him.
Martin "Bigpig" Mor at The Stand

Me hot water heaters packed up so I had to fill the bath using a kettle and a load of saucepans... Mind, it was effing uncomfortable when I got in.
Seymour Mace at Café Royal

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Did you enjoy summer this year? It was on a Thursday.
Jeff Green at the Assembly Rooms

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.
Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
Seymour Mace at Café Royal

I like the Ten Commandments but have a problem with the ninth. It should be: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's ox" - except in scrabble
David O'Doherty at the Gilded Balloon

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got one!"
Norman Lovett at The Stand

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.
Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that
Milton Jones at the Underbelly

Am I really the brains behind The Office? Put it this way, I was signing copies of the script in Waterstones the other day. They threw me out. It appears that you're meant to get permission first.
Robin Ince (who appeared in The Office) at the Underbelly

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.
Chris Addison at the Pleasance

I bought my parents a house. Unfortunately it was worse than the one they had before.
Todd Barry at the Assembly Rooms

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
Colin Ramone at The Stand

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.
Lee Mack at the Assembly Rooms

I don't need Viagra. I need a woman.
Sol Bernstein, as played by Steve Jameson, at the Gilded Balloon

50 Cent, or as he's called over here, approximately 29p.
Sarah Kendall at the Pleasance

I bought some bread this morning. Ciabatta? No, it was a fixed price.
Nice Mum, at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign: "This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"
Arnold Brown at The Stand

How many members of U2 does it take to change a light bulb? Just Bono... he holds it and the world revolves around him.
Al Pitcher at the Underbelly

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

donkey time

A man and his wife are on holidays in a remote part of Greece. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an English speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.

"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and grabs the donkey's balls. "It is 3:00", the man exclaims.

"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.

Again the elderly man grabs the donkey by the balls and says: "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by grabbing this donkey's balls!"

"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies. "Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.

"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

sacre bleu

Quasimodo went home after a hard day's bell ringing and Esmerelda had got the wok out. Quasi moaned, "Oh no Ezzie, you know I don't like chinese food."
"What are you on about you damn fool," replied Esmerelda, "I'm ironing your shirts"!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

Good luck Mr Gorsky

Those party poopers at Snopes has declared this urban legend a myth as verified by the NASA transcripts. Nonetheless the facts should never get in the way of a good story:

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he was supposed to have made the enigmatic remark "Good luck, Mr Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. A few years back, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.

Mr Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr & Mrs Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs Gorsky shouting at Mr Gorsky.

"Oral sex! You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Engineer's terminology

We are still pissing in the wind.
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
We know who to blame.
It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
The only person who understood the thing quit.
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we've already done.
I can't wait to hear this bull!
Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW.
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Too damn heavy to lift!
Lighter than RUGGED.
One finally worked.
Achieved when the power switch is off.
Impossible to fix if broken.
I don't feel like doing it.
Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
I don't know.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

Welfare application letters

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?

I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.

Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.

I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.

My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.

Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?

I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.

I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.

In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Church signs and announcements

Don't let worry kill you. Let the Church help.

Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The skulls of Brian Boru

An American tourist in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Euro, the skull of Brian Boru.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull's authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

'I've got the very thing for you', said the shopkeeper, 'It's the genuine skull of Brian Boru.'

'You cheat', exploded the American, 'You sold me that fifteen years ago', and producing the skull added loudly, 'Look, they're not even the same size.'

'Ah, said the seller, 'but this is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a boy.'

Monday, March 17, 2008

sleeping with the fishes

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant. The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?"

The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you."

The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my damn money is!"

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my damn money is!"

The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants to know where it is!"

The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!"

The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He says...go to don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Sunday, March 16, 2008

speeding excuse

A cop pulls a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asks for the driver's license, the driver argued, "Speeding??? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car behind me."

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Pig time

A city man was visiting a small farm and saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner.

The farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.

The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment. Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from the ground!"

The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Dog Day Afternoon and Amoreena

the opening credits of Sydney Lumet's classic "Dog Day Afternoon" (1975) with one of just two song on the soundtrack, Elton John's Amoreena

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The taxman and the rabbi

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said:
'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?'
'Good question', noted the Rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.
'Oh', replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'
'Ah, yes', replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits.'
'I see!' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. 'Well, Rabbi', he went on, 'What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'
'Here, too, we do not waste', answered the Rabbi. 'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Hotel soap correspondence

Dear Maid,

Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.

Thank you,
S. Berman


Dear Room 635,

I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instruction from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.

Kathy, Relief Maid


Dear Maid,

I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

My day off was last Wednesday so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed to do by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.

Your regular maid,


Dear Mr. Berman,

The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints, please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper


Dear Miss Carmen,

It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.

Thank you,
Elaine, Carmen, Housekeeper


Dear Mr. Kensedder,

My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.

Martin L. Kenseder, Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath-size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.

S. Berman


Dear Mr. Berman,

You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally reuturned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.

Martin L. Kenseder, Assistant Manager


Dear Mrs. Carmen,

Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

-on shelf under medicine cabinet, 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-on Kleenex dispenser, 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
-on bedroom dresser, 1 stack of 3 Cashmere bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
-Inside medicine cabine, 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
-In shower soap dish, 6 camay, very moist.
-On northeast corner of tub, 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
-On northwest corner of tub, 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.

S. Berman

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Just a minute

On Irish radio, Larry Gogan has been running the "Just-a-Minute quiz" every lunchtime for years. These are actual answers from some contestants...

1) Something a blind man might use?
A sword

2) A Song with the word Moon in the title?
Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the Capital of France?

4) Name a bird with a long neck?
Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch?
A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal?
Opposite the dental hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name

8) As happy as.... (Larry gave a hint - think of my name)
A pig in shit

9) Some famous brothers
Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race
The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers
A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach
A deck-chair

14) A famous Royal

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine
A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge
The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does
Goes to the toilet

18) Something you do in the bathroom

19) A method of securing your home
Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs
The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac

22) Something people might be allergic to

23) Something you do before you go to bed

24) Something you put on walls
A roof

25) Something slippery
A con-man

26) A kind of ache
A fillet of fish

27) A Jacket Potato topping

28) A food that can be brown or white
A potato

29) A famous Scotsman

30) A famous Welshman
Vinnie Jones

31) Something you open other than a door
Your bowels

Saturday, March 8, 2008

no flies on him

A cowboy is pulled over by a cop.

The cop lectures the cowboy about speeding.

Finally he gets around to writing out the ticket. Flies begin buzzing around his head.

"Problems with circle flies?" asks the cowboy.

"If that's what they're called," says the cop. "I never heard of circle flies."

"Circle flies hang around ranches," says the cowboy. "They're called circle flies because they usually circle the rear of a horse."

"Oh," says the cop. Then he stops. "You calling me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no, sir," the cowboy replies. "I respect law enforcement too much to call you a horse's ass."

"Good thing," mutters the cop, finishing off the speeding ticket.

After a pause, the cowboy says in his best drawl, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Thursday, March 6, 2008

The sharing of marriage

The old man at Maccas placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered:


Wednesday, March 5, 2008

get thee to a nunnery

Pat is not feeling very well and he decides to go to a doctor.

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and haggard.

Pat goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor: "I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I have never seen a woman look worse."

The doctor says: "I just told her that she is pregnant."

Pat exclaims: "Oh my, is she?"

The doctor responds: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups."

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

the lawyer and the deputy sheriff

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...........
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the crap out of the Lawyer and says:

Monday, March 3, 2008

King Pong

ping pong ball bucket expert...either that or a lot of editing...

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Art Frahm: Of celery and knickers

See link to a photo-essay of the work of Art Frahm. Not particularly brilliant art but an hilarious account of the dangers of celery, dogs and leering men on knicker elastic.

Eddie's in the space-time continuum

the gospel according to Eddie Izzard