"Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does." —Bill Maher
"Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter." —Bill Maher
"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno
"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien
"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman
"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken
"The CIA is now saying that a drone rocket may have killed Osama bin Laden way up in the mountains. ... Let me translate for you. What they're saying is he's still alive and they don't have any idea where the hell he is" —David Letterman
"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman
"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman
"Yesterday, the government released that tape of Osama bin Laden and if you watched it, you know Osama bin Laden is not only evil, but really, really boring. And could he be more guilty? Even O.J.'s going 'Come on, you know he did it.'" —Jay Leno
"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno
"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!" —Jay Leno
"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. He's the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he's going to Jenny Craig." —Jay Leno
"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno
"Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'" —David Letterman
"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno
"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman
"Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'" —David Letterman
"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman
"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno
"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"
"You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez." —Jay Leno
"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno
"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman
"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno
"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman
"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it — 'Roots.'" —Jay Leno
"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno
"Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera." —Conan O'Brien
"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." —Jay Leno
"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." —David Letterman
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman
"The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me." —Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'" —David Letterman
"I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on." —David Letterman
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno
"We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton." —David Letterman
"They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin." —David Letterman
"Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards." —David Letterman
"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." —Jay Leno
"How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes." —Jay Leno
"Insiders say that Osama bin Laden is depressed because his network is unraveling. Hey, the same is happening here and it's not bothering me." —David Letterman
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." —Jay Leno
"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" —Conan O'Brien
"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." —Jay Leno
"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno
"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman
"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno
"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." —Jay Leno
"The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theaters showing the movie 'Glitter.'" —Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." —Jay Leno
"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." —Jay Leno
"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." —Jay Leno
"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." —Jay Leno
"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." —Jay Leno
"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." —Jay Leno
"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." —Jay Leno
"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." —Jay Leno
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