Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
12 Days of Christmas
In slightly belated honour of Epiphany (6 January) here is the true story behind the "12 Days of Christmas"
December 14, 1992
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
December 15, 1992
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16, 1992
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17, 1992
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1992
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1992
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1992
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1992
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1992
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
December 23, 1992
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
December 24, 1992
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1992
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
December 14, 1992
My dearest darling John:
Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure.
Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.
My love always,
Agnes
December 15, 1992
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
December 16, 1992
Dear John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
All my love,
Agnes
December 17, 1992
Dear John:
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
December 18, 1992
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
December 19, 1992
Dear John:
When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh?
These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
December 20, 1992
John:
What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
December 21, 1992
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows.
There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
December 22, 1992
Hey Shithead:
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds.
What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours !
Agnes
December 23, 1992
You rotten prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm calling the police on you !
Agnes
December 24, 1992
Listen Fuckhead:
What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
December 25, 1992
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight.
With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially,
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Friday, January 4, 2008
Hail Mary
Sinner to Irish Priest, 'Father, I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance'
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?
'A new woman in the parish,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance.'
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.'
The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven, try to be stronger and take three Hail Mary's for your penance'
Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, I have sinned; it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'
This time the priest asks, 'Who is this Fannie Green?
'A new woman in the parish,' the sinner replies.
'Very well,' says the priest. 'You are forgiven my son but try to be stronger and avoid temptation, go and say ten Hail Mary's for your Penance.'
The following morning at mass, the priest is preparing to read the Gospel when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in the pew right in front of the altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, 'Is that Fannie Green?
The altar boy quietly replies, 'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes.'
Thursday, January 3, 2008
pirate problems
A pirate was talking to a land-lubber in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
"How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
"How did you lose your leg?" The pirate responded,
"I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!" His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
"What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?"
"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys." Finally, the land-lubber asked,
"I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye? The pirate answered,
"I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye." The land-lubber asked,
"How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?" The pirate snapped,
"It was the day after I got me hook!"
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Ruddling Propaganda video
This was released during the recent election campaign and is therefore a little dated. But I just saw this for the first time yesterday and I think it is still hilarious. Therefore no apologies for its tardiness.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Top 10 Signs You're At A Lame New Year's Eve Party
actually there's eleven...
1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
3. There's a "Happy 2006" sticker on the packet of shrimp you've been eating all night
4. It's being held in March
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
10. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain't one of them
11. It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave
1. To give it a Times Square feel, everyone is groped, fondled and pick-pocketed
2. The 'Party Hats' look suspiciously like stolen traffic cones
3. There's a "Happy 2006" sticker on the packet of shrimp you've been eating all night
4. It's being held in March
5. Prison regulations require lights out at 10:00 pm
6. The guests have decided to start the midnight countdown at 10,000
7. At midnight everyone gathers around to watch your Uncle Earl's pants drop
8. You hear a guy doing a count down before using the bathroom
9. The 'Champagne' tastes suspiciously like apple juice mixed with Alka Seltzer
10. The Amish can do many things well, but throwing parties ain't one of them
11. It's just you and a dozen Mullahs in a cave
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