Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Texts from last night

A selection of text messages from the sender probably wished they hadn't.

(770): Tell her she's as useless as a condom.

(310): tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room

(307): yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

(906): rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.

(801): how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.

(613): I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

(608): I think my vagina is haunted

(954): youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party

(407): i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...

(386): I wanna passion pit in your ass

(714): It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

(310 ): I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work

(212): yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money

(845): even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

(610): yo im tryna cop a beej tonight

(972): i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.

(360): two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
(206): only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.

(504): He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl

(421): And she was only 16?
(1-421): You say that like it's a bad thing.

(512): He told me I remind him of his sister...
(917): Was this before or after you did it?
(512): before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.

(330): and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"

(630): I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
(317): Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
(630): Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

(606): the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night

(304): remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

(443): So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

(440): i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime

(254): I am coming home for anal
(254): * a nap*

(727): a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know

(847): just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom

(631): i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick

(203): Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.

(315): he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
(607): what a beautiful fairy tale

(305): alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.

(302): I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
(1-302): You mean inside out.
(302): No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.

(510): I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

(973): Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.

(404): It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
(1-404): No one shows this much boob at breakfast

(630): batman just walked across the sidewalk
(1-630): lay off the drugs
(630): no for real he was wearing a cape

(808): no, he came in my armpit

(734): What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?

(416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

(720): i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc

(303): erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on

(937): I'll bet she douches with gravy.

(312): Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?

(858): I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.

(630): just tell him i said nine months

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