Saturday, May 31, 2008

There was Slugger O'Toole who was drunk as a rule

definitely in my all time favourite 10 songs:

The Pogues and the Dubliners "The Irish Rover"

On the Fourth of July, 1806
We set sail from the sweet cove of Cork
We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks
For the Grand City Hall in New York

Friday, May 30, 2008

Hollywood squares answers

-According to Movie Life Magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

-What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

-Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

-When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

-Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?

-Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNNE: An engagement ring.

-According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

-True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward
them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

-You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

-If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

-Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

-You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

-True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

-According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

-Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

-Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Suggestions for dealing with telemarketers

** Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

** Make up your own language. Speak it.

** Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

** Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

** Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

** Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

** Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

** Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

** Communicate only through Morse code.

** Try to sell the telemarketer something.

** Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

** Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

** Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

** Make him/her sing to get a sale.

** Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

** Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

** Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

** Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

** After he/she hangs up, use Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

** Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

reasons not to exercise

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Monday, May 26, 2008


** On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."

** On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

** Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

** At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

** Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

** At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

** On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

** In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

** On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

** At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

** On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

** In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

** On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

** At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

** Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

** In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

** At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

** In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

** In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Kids' useful instructions on life

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12

Saturday, May 24, 2008

good excuse

A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

"We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, three doctors are there already!"

Friday, May 23, 2008

10 words that don't exist yet

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom tap on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theater or airplane.

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until they finally decide to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man guy lay' shun) n Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Important Writing techniques

** Avoid alliteration. Always.
** Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
** Avoid clichés like the plague.
** Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
** Contractions aren't necessary.
** Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
** One should never generalise.
** Comparisons are as bad as clichés.
** Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
** Be more or less specific.
** One-word sentences? Eliminate.
** Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
** Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
** Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
** Who needs rhetorical questions?
** Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

More insurance claim statements

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.

Monday, May 19, 2008

British Army Retirement Bonus

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of £72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. ?He walked out
with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major
who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of
my willy to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received.

But the old sergeant-major insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the sergeant-major to 'drop 'em',
which he did.

The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant-major's willy
and began to work back. 'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your

The old sergeant-major calmly replied, 'The Falklands.'

Saturday, May 17, 2008

How to demolish a shock jock

Watch US rabid right wing radio host Kevin James get himself tied himself up in knots in this hilarious interview

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Little Jenny

Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner. "Mum, how old are you?" she asked.

"Now dear," said her mother, "You should never ask a woman what her age is." "Why not?" demanded Jenny. "Because it isn't polite. You'll understand better when you grow up." Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, "Mum, how much do you weigh?"

"Jenny," said her mother, "That's not a question you ask people." "Why not?" "Because it's not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You'll understand some day."

"Mum," Jenny asked, "Why did you and Daddy get divorced?" "Darling," her mother replied with a sigh, "That's something that's still very painful for me, and I really can't talk about it now. I'll explain when you are a little older."

The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother. The other little girl explained to her, "All you have to do is get a look at your mum's driver's license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it."

So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother's purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully. That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, "I know how old you are, Mum, You are 36!"

Her mother looked down at her, surprised. "And I know how much you weigh!" said Jenny. "You weigh 76 kilos." "Jenny, where did you learn this?", her mother asked. Jenny just smiled and continued, "And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Her mother gasped and asked, "Why?"

Jenny replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

bad news bear

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty
22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear,
takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone.

A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No
one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can
rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop your trousers, bend
over, and I'll do you in the ass."

The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his
trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do.
After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and
staggers back into town. He's pretty mad.

He buys a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He sees the same
bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A
moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says,

"You know what to do."

Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town,
and buys a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest,
sees the bear, aims, and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks
him flat on his back. When the smoke clears, the bear is standing over
him and says,

"You're not doing this for the hunting, are you?"

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

vampirish eyes

There was a young vampire named Mabel
Whose periods were really quite stable
For every full moon
She would take out a spoon
And drink herself under the table.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Sunday, May 11, 2008

reversable story


John - Ah…. At last. I can hardly wait!

Jane - Do you want me to leave?

John - No! Don’t even think about it.

Jane – Do you love me?

John – Of course! Always have and always will!

Jane – Have you ever cheated on me?

John – NO! Why are you even asking?

Jane- Will you kiss me?

John – Every chance I get!

Jane – Will you hit me?

John – Hell no! Are you crazy?

Jane – Can I trust you?

John – Yes.

Jane – Darling!


Read from the bottom back to the top.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

the spaceship

one of a series of astonishingly beautiful photographs from National Geographic.

This one is of Glen Canyon, Utah, US.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

Leno's George W Bush jokes (its just too easy)

“President Bush’s daughter Jenna Bush is engaged to be married, but no date has been set for the wedding. He’s against any kind of timetable.”

“President Bush announced he plans to help out homeowners in this mortgage-lending crisis thing that’s going on. He said millions of people could lose their house, and you know, he knows what he’s talking about. Last November he lost a house and the Senate.”

“Bush is upset, very upset that the Iraqi parliament has failed any major legislation since taking office. I guess, of course, on the other hand, it made him feel right at home.”

“Scientists in Russia have announced they will send a man to the moon by the year 2025. A defiant President Bush said today, ‘Not if we get there first!’”

Jimmy Carter called Bush and his administration the worst in history. As you know, President Bush's approval numbers have dropped as low as 28%. That's the lowest for any president since ... Jimmy Carter. So, I guess he knows what he's talking about.

It's been a rough week for President Bush. He was caught driving by reporters not wearing his seatbelt. He was down on the ranch driving around without a seatbelt on. His aide said he just refuses to buckle up. Bill Clinton had the exact same problem.

The White House announced President Bush is on the last page of the Harry Potter book. So, apparently, he's reading it backwards.

President Bush welcomed the prime minster of India to the White House today. Bush said, "While you're here, can you look at my computer for a second?"

Karl Rove was under fire again today. This time for leaking the plot of the new Harry Potter book to U.S. President Bush.

One of the big problems in Iraq right now is agreeing on a constitution. They should do what the Bush administration does: Have a constitution, but just don’t use it.

Happy Birthday to U.S. President Bush, he’s 59. If you haven’t gotten him a birthday gift yet, I know he’s still looking for an exit strategy for Iraq.

U.S. President Bush met with Palestinian president Abbas. There was one embarrassing moment when he said to Abbas, “I love your hit, Dancing Queen.”

President Bush said he was anxious to see the film though he was a little upset when he heard it was in Aramaic and Latin. Bush said "Why make a movie only Arabs and Latinos would understand?"

According to a new poll, if the election were held today both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat George Bush by double-digit margins. In fact, the White House is so worried they're thinking about moving the capture of Osama bin Laden up to next month.

President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on ... his own.

Some sad news, President Bush's lap dog passed away. I didn't know Tony Blair was sick. I was shocked.

President Bush was on Meet The Press Sunday, a lot of his White House staffers thought it was a bad idea …"Hey…better than him going on Jeopardy"…Be honest…He didn't seem very well prepared…actually there was a reason he wasn't prepared, see Bush thought he was just gonna to meet the press, he didn't know there was gonna be questions….There was one kind of embarrassing moment where President Bush was asked if he was ever AWOL?" and he said "No no no I have Earthlink…we use Earthlink, can't get AOL"

The Bush administration says it will file a brief with the Supreme Court over the University of Michigan's affirmative action policy, saying it's wrong to determine acceptance based on race. Bush said acceptance should be based on fair things like what private school you went to, who's your dad, how much money you gave to the alumni fund."

"President Bush has declared Sunday to be National Sanctity of Human Life Day. He said we have to protect the weak, the imperfect and the unwanted. But first, we have to give tax cuts to the rich."

This Sunday, President Bush will be at the Daytona 500 for the start of NASCAR season. President Bush is a big fan of NASCAR. Bush says if it weren't for NASCAR, man never would have stepped foot on the moon. Finally, somebody said, "Uh, sir ... that's NASA."

A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace."

Today President Bush said he was "troubled" by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this, the people should make the decision, not judges - unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges

I was watching TV last night and I saw an interesting documentary on TV last night about the ninja - you know, the Japanese soldiers. According to the legend, the ninjas were warriors who could make themselves invisible whenever we fought in a war. You know, kinda like George Bush in the National Guard.

In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing - of course we'll see how he feels about that in November.

Happy President's Day everybody! Today of course is the day we honor our presidents. We honor Bill Clinton by having a mattress sale, and most people don't have to work today, we honor George Bush

Earlier today President Bush spent some time with National Guard troops in Louisiana. When Bush arrived, the commanding officer said, "You're a little late."

A retired Alabama National Guard commander says he remembers President Bush showing up there for duty back in the seventies. He says Bush used to come into his office and read. However, payment records released by the White House suggest that was not President Bush. Hey, the fact the guy was reading I think suggests it wasn't president bush.

Yesterday President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard again.

Does this bother a lot of people? Who cares if Bush did his job in the National Guard 30 years ago - I'm more frightened about the job he's doing now.

Today in the L.A. Times, one critic wrote that the problem with John Kerry is "he looks like he thinks too much." Well, you won't hear anyone accusing President Bush of that.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Linguistics lecture

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English, he said, "a double negative forms a positive."

He continued: "In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Sunday, May 4, 2008


The maths behind Roberto Carlos's "impossible goal"

shop talk

A dedicated shop steward was on holidays and decided
to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down
the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until
finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a
union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and
pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame, gesturing to a fat
fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Friday, May 2, 2008

The edited gospel according to George W. Bush

With his public disapproval rate higher than any other President in modern US history (71%), its time to revisit those Dubya State of the Union speeches to see what he really meant. Let's roll:

Thursday, May 1, 2008

when push comes to shove

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing
in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!' He slams
the door and returns to bed.

'Who was that?' asked his wife.
'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers.

'Did you help him?' she asks.
'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember
about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?
I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the
pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?'
'Yes,' comes back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husband.
'Yes, please!' comes the reply from the dark.

'Where are you?' asks the husband.
'Over here on the swing,' replied the drunk.