Crack Found on Governor's Daughter [Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says [No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run down Jaywalkers [Now that's takingthings a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? [Not if I wipethoroughly!]
Panda Mating fails; Veterinarian takes Over [What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death [No-good-for-nothing' lazyso-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant [See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace [I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile [You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures [Who would have thought!]
Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide [They maybe on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges [You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge [he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group [Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft [That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks [Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half [Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors [Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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