Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Winners of Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year
as compiled by bookseller.com (1978-2008). HT Scepticlawyer.
1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
(I would have thought a workshop on clothed mice might be more tricky)
1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
(the world's second oldest profession gets an economic overhaul)
1980: The Joy of Chickens
(fowl play)
1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
(till death do us part)
1982: Population and Other Problems
(full marks for vagueness)
1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
(damn, its the widthwise rolling I have problems with)
1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today
(what did they put on their toast in the neolithic period?)
1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
(er, are you saying that breasts are 10% of your mind?)
1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
(speechless...)
1987: No Award
(come on, surely there had to be at least one whacko title in 1987?)
1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
(a bit hazy, Denmark and the North Sea blocking the view a bit)
1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
(written by bears no doubt)
1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
(keep handy)
1991: No Award
(see 1987, not trying hard enough)
1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
(stay on land)
1993: American Bottom Archaeology
(scientists digging holes)
1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
(a thrill a minute collection dating back to the exploits of William the Concreter)
1995: Reusing Old Graves
(there are more and more people dying every day, you know)
1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
(where do you send back a Thracian postie who has passed his expiry date?)
1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
(one-eyed trousered snakery)
1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
(perhaps its a typo and its the "use of straws")
1999: Weeds in a Changing World
(I feel for their pain)
2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
(snigger)
2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
(no win no fee)
2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
(nothing worse than an unpredictable arse)
2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
(mustang sally in hot tongue action)
2004: Bombproof Your Horse
(especially the lesbian ones)
2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
(a crucial handbook for the busy psychotic)
2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
(I'm sure David Attenborough did something on this once)
2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
(are they saying if you want to end a relationship, keep your legs closed?)
And finally 2008: The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-miligram Containers of Fromage Frais
No coffee table should be complete without it.
1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice
(I would have thought a workshop on clothed mice might be more tricky)
1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution
(the world's second oldest profession gets an economic overhaul)
1980: The Joy of Chickens
(fowl play)
1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances
(till death do us part)
1982: Population and Other Problems
(full marks for vagueness)
1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling
(damn, its the widthwise rolling I have problems with)
1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today
(what did they put on their toast in the neolithic period?)
1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts
(er, are you saying that breasts are 10% of your mind?)
1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality
(speechless...)
1987: No Award
(come on, surely there had to be at least one whacko title in 1987?)
1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden
(a bit hazy, Denmark and the North Sea blocking the view a bit)
1989: How to Shit in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art
(written by bears no doubt)
1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual
(keep handy)
1991: No Award
(see 1987, not trying hard enough)
1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships
(stay on land)
1993: American Bottom Archaeology
(scientists digging holes)
1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete
(a thrill a minute collection dating back to the exploits of William the Concreter)
1995: Reusing Old Graves
(there are more and more people dying every day, you know)
1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers
(where do you send back a Thracian postie who has passed his expiry date?)
1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition
(one-eyed trousered snakery)
1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw
(perhaps its a typo and its the "use of straws")
1999: Weeds in a Changing World
(I feel for their pain)
2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures
(snigger)
2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service
(no win no fee)
2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks
(nothing worse than an unpredictable arse)
2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories
(mustang sally in hot tongue action)
2004: Bombproof Your Horse
(especially the lesbian ones)
2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It
(a crucial handbook for the busy psychotic)
2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
(I'm sure David Attenborough did something on this once)
2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs
(are they saying if you want to end a relationship, keep your legs closed?)
And finally 2008: The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-miligram Containers of Fromage Frais
No coffee table should be complete without it.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Wrong answer
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
(Pause) Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
(Pause) Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Your Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk....' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Good Housekeeping. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks And a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast,' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk ' five times. Now spell 'silk....' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk,' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Good Housekeeping. However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks And a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of 'no man's land' between East Germany and West Germany. Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, 'You don't bury survivors', proceed to the next question
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud! Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Sunday, March 22, 2009
You know you are Australian if...
You know the meaning of 'girt'
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U'
You wear ugg boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk
You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin
You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse
You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden
When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom
You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds
You believe the 'L' in the word 'Australia' is optional
You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'
You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep
You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'
You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin
You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'
You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread
You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis
You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'
You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'
You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year
You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'U'
You wear ugg boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them
Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language
You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is always polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose
You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'
You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle
Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket
You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac cookies'
You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'
When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit
You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered
You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction
When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer
You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second
You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Fishy finger
This story is from The Sun, so make of it what you willA COMPUTER programmer from Finland who lost a finger in an accident has replaced it with this prosthetic with a built-in USB drive.
The detachable device works like a regular PC memory stick and can store two gigabytes of photos, movies and other useful files. The connection is under the nail.
Jerry Jalava built the USB after losing his ring finger in a motorbike crash.
Jerry said: "I just leave my finger inside the slot and pick it up after."
He plans to build a new finger with wireless technology.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Irish quotes
Happy St Patrick's Day from Irish I's!
-----------
St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -- a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic!
Adrienne Cook
Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart.
Maria Edgeworth
The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.
Oscar Wilde
I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.
Samuel Beckett
Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
C.S. Lewis
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
Jonathan Swift
Ah, we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us in different directions.
Bram Stoker
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot (1955)
When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen.
Samuel Lover
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Oliver Goldsmith
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch
which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
George Bernard Shaw
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
Brendan Behan
When all the fuss has died down and the lads get back to I'm sure what will be a heroes' welcome, the wounds will heel and the wise man in the pub will say "Sure, 'twas only an oul match anyway!"
Contributed by an Irish reader after Spain defeated Ireland in the 2002 World Cup.
Hills as green as emeralds, cover the countryside,
Lakes as blue as sapphires are Ireland's special pride,
And rivers that shine like silver make Ireland look so fair,
But the friendliness of her people is the richest treasure there.
Contributed by Bea Sager
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse.
John Boyle O'Reilly
A life making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing at all.
G.B. Shaw
The intellect is forced to choose: Perfection of the life, or of the work.
W. B. Yeats
"A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers."
John F. Kennedy
I pedalled on towards Athlone through slashing rain across brown miles of harvested bog - looking like a child's dream of a world made of chocolate.
Dervla Murphy, A Place Apart, 1978
In doggerel and stout let me honour this country
though the air is so soft that it smudges the words.
Louis MacNeice
Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity.
Samuel Butler
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
There is an Irish way of paying compliments as though they were irresistible truths which makes what would otherwise be an impertinence delightful.
Katherine Tynan Hinkson
A lament in one ear, maybe, but always a song in the other.
Sean O'Casey
One wonders in this place, why anyone is left in Dublin, or London, or Paris where it would be better, one would think to live in a tent or hut, with this magnificent sea and sky, and to breathe this wonderful air which is like wine in one's teeth.
J. M. Synge
Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.
W. B. Yeats
A man who loses his money gains, at the least, experience, and sometimes, something better.
George Bernard Shaw
In Ireland, the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.
Sir John Pentland Mahaffy
A man without a blackthorn stick is a man without an expedient.
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde
"He was a bold man that first ate an oyster"
Jonathan Swift
New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
No man is so old as to believe he cannot live one more year.
Sean O’Casey
I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.
GBS
-----------
St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time -- a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic!
Adrienne Cook
Our Irish blunders are never blunders of the heart.
Maria Edgeworth
The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.
Oscar Wilde
I have my faults, but changing my tune is not one of them.
Samuel Beckett
Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither.
C.S. Lewis
No wise man ever wished to be younger.
Jonathan Swift
Ah, we men and women are like ropes drawn tight with strain that pull us in different directions.
Bram Stoker
We are all born mad. Some remain so.
Samuel Beckett, Waiting for Godot (1955)
When once the itch of literature comes over a man, nothing can cure it but the scratching of a pen.
Samuel Lover
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
Oliver Goldsmith
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch
which I have got a hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
George Bernard Shaw
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
Brendan Behan
When all the fuss has died down and the lads get back to I'm sure what will be a heroes' welcome, the wounds will heel and the wise man in the pub will say "Sure, 'twas only an oul match anyway!"
Contributed by an Irish reader after Spain defeated Ireland in the 2002 World Cup.
Hills as green as emeralds, cover the countryside,
Lakes as blue as sapphires are Ireland's special pride,
And rivers that shine like silver make Ireland look so fair,
But the friendliness of her people is the richest treasure there.
Contributed by Bea Sager
Ireland is a fruitful mother of genius, but a barren nurse.
John Boyle O'Reilly
A life making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing at all.
G.B. Shaw
The intellect is forced to choose: Perfection of the life, or of the work.
W. B. Yeats
"A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produces but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers."
John F. Kennedy
I pedalled on towards Athlone through slashing rain across brown miles of harvested bog - looking like a child's dream of a world made of chocolate.
Dervla Murphy, A Place Apart, 1978
In doggerel and stout let me honour this country
though the air is so soft that it smudges the words.
Louis MacNeice
Praise, like gold and diamonds, owes its value only to its scarcity.
Samuel Butler
This is one race of people for whom psychoanalysis is of no use whatsoever.
Sigmund Freud (about the Irish)
There is an Irish way of paying compliments as though they were irresistible truths which makes what would otherwise be an impertinence delightful.
Katherine Tynan Hinkson
A lament in one ear, maybe, but always a song in the other.
Sean O'Casey
One wonders in this place, why anyone is left in Dublin, or London, or Paris where it would be better, one would think to live in a tent or hut, with this magnificent sea and sky, and to breathe this wonderful air which is like wine in one's teeth.
J. M. Synge
Education is not filling a bucket, but lighting a fire.
W. B. Yeats
A man who loses his money gains, at the least, experience, and sometimes, something better.
George Bernard Shaw
In Ireland, the inevitable never happens and the unexpected constantly occurs.
Sir John Pentland Mahaffy
A man without a blackthorn stick is a man without an expedient.
Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.
Oscar Wilde
"He was a bold man that first ate an oyster"
Jonathan Swift
New Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
Anonymous
No man is so old as to believe he cannot live one more year.
Sean O’Casey
I'm an atheist and I thank God for it.
GBS
Monday, March 16, 2009
miscellaneous rude jokes
I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet up.
She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!
I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking.
When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?
A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a dick like that."
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.
My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."
He replied, "No, just having a shit."
Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low?
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Chris Taylor on Sunrise
How the Chaser's Chris Taylor announced his break-up on live breakfast TV (Footage is 3 years old, but still priceless).
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Brian Clough quotes
The best of old big 'ead (1935-2004)"I certainly wouldn't say I'm the best manager in the business, but I'm in the top one."
"Get in there - that's what I pay you for!" - to Derby County players at a training session.
"As far as I'm concerned you can throw all those medals you've won in the bin, because you won them all by cheating" - to the Leeds United players on his first day as manager.
"They say Rome wasn't built in a day, but I wasn't on that particular job".
" This is a terrible day.....for Leeds United" - exiting Elland Road after being sacked after 44 days as manager.
"If a chairman sacks a manager that he initially appointed, then he should go as well."
"John Robertson was a very unattractive young man. If, one day, I was feeling a bit off colour, I would sit next to him. I was bloody Errol Flynn compared to him, but give him a yard of grass and he was an artist. The Picasso of our game."
"If God had intended for us to play football in the clouds he wouldn't have put grass on the ground." - referring to the long ball game.
"If a player had said to Bill Shankly 'I've got to speak to my agent', Bill would have hit him. And I would have held him while he hit him."
"It was like a morgue in the dressing room after the game, and it's still like a morgue now. If that's what defeat feels like, we don't want to go through it again - oh, it's rotten" - interview with ITV after defeat for Forest in the 1980 League Cup final.
"I'm a Derby man. Derby County were here a long time before Robert Maxwell" - on agreeing with a protest by Derby fans against Maxwell's ownership of the club.
"They thought I was going to change it lock, stock and barrel. They were shrewd because that's exactly what I would have done" - on why he was rejected by the FA for the England job.
"I'd ask him how he thinks it should be done, have a chat about it for twenty minutes and then decide I was right" - on dealing with players disagreeing with his methods.
"I like my women to be feminine and not rolling around in mud" on what he thought of women's football.
"Don't send me flowers when I'm dead, send them to me now if you like me."
"I want no epitaphs of profound history or all that kind of thing. I contributed, I hope they would say that and I hope that somebody liked me."
"For all his horses, knighthoods and championships, he hasn't got two of what I've got. And I don't mean balls." - on Sir Alex Ferguson's failure to match his record of two European Cup wins, prior to Ferguson's second in 2007/2008. Clough has however got the distinction of winning the European Cup back-to-back, an achievement that still eludes Ferguson.
"Who thought Derby County could be turned into League champions; that any manager could bounce back from getting the bullet after 44 days with a great club and go on to prove himself among the best managers of all time; that what was done at Derby could be repeated at Forest; that after winning one European Cup, we could retain it; that a brash, self-opinionated young footballer, cut down by injury in his prime, would go on to achieve more impressive fame as a brash, highly successful manager?"
"It only takes a second to score a goal."
"If a player is not interfering with play then he shouldn't be on the pitch." - referring to the application of the off-side law. * Also attributed to Bill Shankly
" what I tell my players about defending a lead is this: 'if YOU have the ball and you are in THEIR half'... THEY CANNOT SCORE"
"There are more hooligans in the House Of Commons than there are at a football match." - on football hooliganism.
During a press conference when Nottingham Forest had signed Trevor Francis, the first £1 million pound footballer: Journalist - "When will you be making your debut for Nottingham Forest?" Clough - "When I pick him."
During a televised 1986 England World Cup game:
Mick Channon: "We've got to get bodies into the box! The French do it, the Italians do it." Clough: "Even educated fleas do it."
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Olive-flavored mouthwash and Rastafarian proctologists
The Washington Post published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.
3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.
6. Negligent, adj.Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a
nightgown.
7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
13. Pokemon, n.A Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up
onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by
Jewish men
Thursday, March 5, 2009
losing your tittle on air
Huffpo's 15 best news bloopers of all time (unfortunately I can't find the code to embed the video directly here)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Grandma
Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.”
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