as collected by Daniel Kurtzman
"They're selling Sarah Palin action figures online. I don't know where they get the outfits for these, but she looks like the sluttiest librarian of all time. Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today -- a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno
"Federal investigators said that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." –Jay Leno
"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman
"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right. … Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno
"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama is going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno
"I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman
"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno
"Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'" --Conan O'Brien
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." --Bill Maher
"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." --Bill Maher
"New Rule: Republicans must stop saying Obama is an elitist and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it---you're not voting for him because he's smarter than you." --Bill Maher
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1 comment:
here's what I absolutely KNOW fer shure:
If Obama could talk Oprah into being his VP running mate, they would absolutely sweep in.
Then the republicans would have to put them under house-arrest like Aung Suu Kyi was after her sweeping victory in Burma.
After graduating from the Aaron Sorkin school of Election Process (via The West Wing), I can't help wondering about the real-life Josh behind this Palin crap. She's a pitbull with a feral family. CINDY McCain won't be pals with her for beef jerky at the hunting party, that's fer shure too.
Main Point: if she cannot expound morals and birth control to her daughter, then how can she expound US policy to the world.
oh! she is proving that controlling teenagers is harder than controlling the world.
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