Monday, December 31, 2007

Sunday, December 30, 2007

Balkan nationalism explained...sort of....

Top Ten Reasons for being a Serb:
1. You are not a Croat.
2. Basketball team.
3. You can choose between several war criminals in Presidential elections.
4. You can enjoy the positive media coverage of your country when abroad.
5. You can fight 600 year-old battles against the Turks and their domestic
be convinced that it's happening right now, and not be entirely wrong.
6. You can always go to Greece and Cyprus and fear nothing.
7. Grilled meat and slivovitz.
8. You get to drink slivovitz and eat grilled meat even when under economic
9. You are the only European country which was bombed by NATO.
10.Every now and then you get to fly to the Hague at someone else's expense.

Top ten reasons for being a Croat:
1. You're not a Serb
2. Soccer team.
3. You get to pretend that your language is different from Serbian, although it's
really not.
4. Dubrovnik.
5. You get to dream about independent Croatia.
6. Every now and then you get to sing "Danke, Danke,Deutschland," and continue
to dream about independent Croatia.
7. You have a thousand-year culture of which no one has heard.
8. You have a democratically elected President who is not ashamed of being a
9. The glorious World War Two past.
10.You have a thousand-year culture....

Top ten reasons for being Bosnian:
1. You can get asylum anywhere except in Serbia.
2. You can pretend that your state exists.
3. Kebab.
4. You can pretend that Sarajevo is a really cosmopolitan European city when you
know that it is not.
5. Great kebab.
6. You can be visited by Francois Mitterand, Bernard Henry-Levy,Susan Sontag, and
Bill Clinton and it still doesn't make a difference.
7. Free round-trip to any Moslem country.
8. You get to be bombed by a psychiatrist.
9. You can fly your flag in the UN but nowhere else.
10.Foreigners give you money and don't ask any questions.

Top ten reasons for being Slovenian:
1. You can speak the beautiful Slovene language and know that no one cares
except you.
2. You can feel superior to all former Yugoslavs.
3. You can drink after work.
4. You can pretend to live on the "sunny side of the Alps," although you
know it's not that sunny.
5. You can pretend that you are as good as any German while secretly enjoying
the fact that you are a Slav.
6. Good relations with Italy and Austria.
7. You can afford to be Yugo-nostalgic.
8. You can marry a Slovene and have Slovene children who speak Slovene.
9. You don't have to be ashamed when abroad.
10.No one bothers you because no one really cares.

Top ten reasons for being Macedonian:
1. You can call yourself Macedonian and not get killed by a Bulgarian, Greek,
Serb or Albanian.
2. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon and tobacco.
3. You can pretend you are a descendant of Alexander the Great and piss
off the Greeks.
4. You get to be sad and suffer while listening to folk music.
5. Good relations with your neighbors, especially Greeks and Albanians.
6. American soldiers on your territory.
7. You get to call your country The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia.
8. Fresh tomatoes, watermelon, and tobacco.
9. You can successfully pretend your language is not Bulgarian.
10.Everyone is interested in the stability of your country
except your neighbors.

Top ten reasons for being Montenegrin:
1. You can be proud of your heroic past and not being conquered by the Turks for
500 years.
2. You can sing epic songs about your heroic past and not being conquered by the
Turks for 500 years.
3. You can think of Russia as your Mother, although Russia does not know you are
her son.
4. You can combine orthodoxy with Stalinism with love of Russia and still think
that you are better and more progressive than the Serbs.
5. Goat cheese, grilled lamb, and grappa.
6. You get to kill at least one person in a vendetta and defend your honor.
7. If you are a woman you can kill your husband and everyone knows why
you did it.
8. You can smuggle cigarettes to Italy and live like a king.
9. You don't have to work even when you have to.
10.You don't have to work....

Top ten reasons for being Albanian:
1. You can always swim to Italy.
2. You can choose between a president who stole your whole income, one who
killed all your relatives, or go fight the Serbs in Kosovo.
3. You can be proud of being from "the land of the eagle."
4. You can always swim to Italy.
5. You can take weapons from any army garrison and defend your honor.
6. You can get killed in a vendetta and be remembered as the
hero of the family.
7. You get to be called the poorest country in Europe.
8. You can live in the ecologically cleanest country in Europe.
9. You can always swim to Italy
10.You are proud of being "from the land of the eagle."

Top ten reasons for being a Yugoslav:
1. You can be proud that you are neither a Serb, nor a Croat, nor a Slovene, nor
a Bosnian, nor a Macedonian, nor Montenegrin, nor an Albanian, although you
are one or more of the above.
2. You don't have to feel bad about being "Yugo-nostalgic".
3. You can have a husband/wife from any part of Yugoslavia and still
feel like the country never fell apart, especially if you are abroad.
4. You get to listen to Serbian, Croatian, Bosnian, Slovenian, Macedonian,
Montenegrin, and even Albanian music and feel that it's quite OK.
5. You don't have to be ashamed of your Titoist past.
6. You can sing Partisan songs from World War Two or rock-and-roll from the
7. You get to be cosmopolitan and spit on all the nationalists.
8. You get to be researched by foreign sociologists interested in your identity.
9. You are invited to speak about Yugoslavia at conferences abroad.
10.You are a good candidate for a Soros stipend.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

cultural clash

An Englishman is showing two young American girls around London during their holiday. When they reach a Pelican crossing he presses the button, and after a few seconds the pedestrian signal makes the familiar "beep beep beep" sound.

"What's that for?" asks one of the girls.

"Oh, that's just to let blind people know that the lights have changed," replies the Englishman.

"Oh my GAWWWD!" she exclaims, obviously shocked. "In the States, we don't even let them drive!"

Friday, December 28, 2007


Batman came up to a villain and he hit him over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU!

The puzzled villain said "Don't you mean KAPOW?"

"No", said Batman, "I've got china in my hand".

Thursday, December 27, 2007

sex lesson

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Monday, December 24, 2007

An Attorney's Twas the Night Before Christmas

Whereas, on an occasion immediately
preceding the Nativity festival,
throughout a certain dwelling unit,
quiet descended, in which could be heard
no disturbance, not even the sound
emitted by a diminutive rodent related
to, and in form resembling, a rat; and

Whereas, the offspring of the
occupants had affixed their tubular,
closely knit coverings for the nether
limbs to the flue of the fireplace in
expectation that a personage known as
St.Nicholas would arrive; and

Whereas, said offspring had become
somnolent, and were entertaining re:
saccharine-flavored fruit; and

Whereas, the adult male of the
family, et ux, attired in proper
headgear, had also become quiescent in
anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and

Whereas, a distraction on the snowy
acreage outside aroused the owner to
investigate; and

Whereas, he perceived in a most
unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled
by eight domesticated quadrapeds of a
species found in artic regions; and

Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman
was entreating the aforesaid animals by
their appellations, as follows:

"Your immediate co-operation is
requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and
Vixen; and collective action by you will
be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid,
Donder, and Blitzen"; and

Whereas, subsequent to the above,
there occurred a swift descent to the
hearth by the aforementioned gentleman,
where he proceeded to deposit gratuities
in the aforementioned tubular coverings.

Now, therefore, be ye advised:
that upon completion of these acts,
and upon his return to his original
point of departure, he proclaimed
a felicitation of the type prevalent
and suitable to these occasions, ie:

Merry Christmas to All and to All a
Good Night!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Tramp O Claus


ps make sure to scroll down to get the "festive" lyrics.

Saturday, December 22, 2007

great cover versions

here's noted songster George Dubya Bush's version of REM's The End of the World as we Know it (And I Feel Fine)

Friday, December 21, 2007

"quoth" "unquoth"

here's to The “Blog” of “Unnecessary” Quotation Marks.

Its a "très" amusant "website" I found "today" that is to "rogue" quotation marks what Lynne Truss was to careless commas and aberrant apostrophes.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

leadership test

The names on the frames are a little out of date....but I can't be bothered updating it and its amusing enough as it is...

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, it's Tony Blair!"

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Putin gets advice from Stalin

Vladimir Putin goes to bed one evening and Stalin appears to him in a dream. Putin asks Stalin for some help with the state of Russian economy and how to stop crime.

Stalin said, "Round up and shoot every male between the age of 21 & 30 and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue."

Putin asked, "Why blue?"

Stalin retorts, "I knew you would ask me about the second part first"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007


A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."

"OK," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Excruciatingly bad pick-up lines

Are you religious? Because I could be the answer to your prayers

Do you sleep on your stomach ...........can I?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together

"HEY!!!! Wanna go half on a baby?

That dress looks great on you! It would look even better in a pile on my bedroom floor!

Just wondering, what would you like for breakfast tomorrow morning?

If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!

Are you busy tonight at 3:00 A.M.?

Why don`t you come here sit on my lap and we will talk about the first thing that pops up.

Are you tired? Because you've been running around my mind all day.

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I have to walk by you again?

Hey, I lost my phone number ... Can I have yours?

Is there a mirror in your pocket? 'Cause I can really see myself in your pants.

Mind if I talk to you until it's safe down there where I farted?

If I were to ask you for sex, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

Would you like Gin and Platonic, or Scotch and Sofa?

Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are HOT!

I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Do you have a map? I just got lost in your eyes.

You sure have a great looking tooth.

My friend wants to know if you were born in those jeans.

Your place or your place? Because my place is a dump!

Falling for you would be a very short trip.

Don't stop! I don't usually get to see beauty in motion.

You're so fine, you make me want to go out and get a job.

Remember me? Oh, that's right, I've met you only in my dreams.

Can I lick that film off your teeth?

Don't be so picky....I wasn't!

Let's go behind that rock, and get a little boulder.

You look a lot like my future wife.

I'd better get a library card, because I'm checking you out.

Did they just take you out of the oven? Because you're hot!

Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be.

Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

Without my glasses, you couldn't pass for a female.

You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.

I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

I want to call your mother and thank her.

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

My name is Ben. That's so you know what to scream.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, because I can't take them off you.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Do you know how to use a whip?

I hope you know CPR, 'cause you take my breath away.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

civil disobedience German style

From Associated Press comes this tale of a German man who risked death rather than acquiesce to restrictive customs rules.

The 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a holiday in Egypt. He fell victim to new airport which rules prohibit passengers from carrying larger quantities of liquid onto planes within the EU, and he was told at a security check he would have to either throw out the bottle of vodka or pay a fee to have his carry-on bag checked as cargo.

Unimpressed with either choice, he decided on a third option. He chugged down the entire bottle there and then with inevitable results - he was soon unable to stand or otherwise function. A doctor determined he had possibly life-threatening alcohol poisoning, and packed him off to hospital. The unnamed man is expected to be released in a few days.

A herculean effort in the ongoing fight against the Nanny State.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Merrion-Webster word of the year: w00t



"w00t" (spelt with two zeroes) is an exclamation of joy or excitement used by online gamers and hardcore Internet chat enthusiasts, which the Merriam-Webster dictionary says is the word that best sums up 2007.

The word took the Word of the Year prize in Merriam-Webster's annual poll of favorite new terms such as "facebook," a verb that means to look up someone's profile on the social networking site of the same name, and "blamestorm," to hold a meeting in order to find someone responsible for a problem,

W00t originated from a language called l33tspeak, or leetspeak after "elite", used by computer programmers in which letters are replaced by numbers. W00t was originally spelled as "w007," according to the the programming language's rules that uses the number "7" for the letter " t."

"It shows a really interesting thing that's going on in language. It's a term that's arrived only because we're now communicating electronically with each other," said Merriam-Webster's president John Morse.

Thats Morse code for: w00t the fuck?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Foot in Mouth: Plain English award

This award, which the Plain English Campaign first gave in 1993, is for a baffling comment by a public figure. The 2007 winner of this award is the former England football manager, Steve McClaren, for the following comment he made to Radio 5 Live.

“He (Wayne Rooney) is inexperienced, but he's experienced in terms of what he's been through.”

Previous winners:
Naomi Campbell for "I love England, especially the food. There's nothing I like more than a lovely bowl of pasta."

Rt Hon Rhodri Morgan AM, the First Minister for Wales, made this comment in a debate on policing: "The only thing which isn't up for grabs is no change and I think it's fair to say, it's all to play for, except for no change."

Boris Johnson MP for his remark on the BBC news quiz programme, 'Have I Got News For You'. "I could not fail to disagree with you less."

Former United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld for comments in a press briefing. "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don't know we don't know."

Actor Richard Gere who said: "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think 'No, actually I am a giraffe.''

Artist Tracey Emin, who explained "When it comes to words I have a uniqueness that I find almost impossible in terms of art - and it's my words that actually make my art quite unique."

Hollywood star Alicia Silverstone for her comments quoted in the Sunday Telegraph.
"I think that [the film] 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."

Former England manager Glenn Hoddle. When asked by Trevor McDonald to explain his controversial comments on people with disabilities, he said:
"I do not believe that. At this moment in time, if that changes in years to come I don't know, but what happens here today and changes as we go along that is part of life's learning and part of your inner beliefs. But at this moment in time I did not say them things and at the end of the day I want to put that on record because it has hurt people."

Cardiff MP Rhodri Morgan. In an interview with BBC Newsnight's Jeremy Paxman he was asked if he would like to be the labour leader of the new Welsh Assembly. Rhodri replied "Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?" After a long puzzled pause Jeremy asked Rhodri if that was Welsh for yes!

Nick Underwood of Teletubbies Marketing explained that "in life, there are all colours and the Teletubbies are a reflection of that. There are no nationalities in the Teletubbies - they are techno-babies, but they are supposed to reflect life in that sense."

No winner.

Dr Gordon Brown MP for his 'New Economics' speech. He covered "ideas which stress the growing importance of international co-operation and new theories of economic sovereignty across a wide range of areas, macro-economics, trade, the environment, the growth of post neo-classical endogenous growth theory and the symbiotic relationships between government and investment in people and infrastructures - a new understanding of how labour markets really work and constructive debate over the meaning and implications of competitiveness at the level of individuals, the firm or the nation and the role of government in fashioning modern industrial policies which focus on nurturing competitiveness."

Former England cricket boss, Ted Dexter desperately tried to explain away another England defeat at the hands of the Australians by saying "Maybe we are in the wrong sign. Maybe Venus is in the wrong juxtaposition with something else. I don't know."

(Although there was no Foot in Mouth award in 1991, they made a special mention of a quote by United States Vice President Dan Quayle.)

"We offer the party as a big tent. How we do that (recognise the big tent philosophy) with the platform, the preamble to the platform or whatnot, that remains to be seen. But that message will have to be articulated with great clarity."

Monday, December 10, 2007

Union Taff

With one British Labor MP calling for a redesigned UK flag to incorporate a Welsh motif, the best alternative Irish I's has seen is this:

Sunday, December 9, 2007

worst sick day excuses

I’m too drunk to drive to work.
I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.
I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.
I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.
I’m too fat to get into my work pants.
God didn’t wake me.
I cut my fingernails too short, they’re bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.
The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.
I forgot I was getting married today.
My cow bit me.
My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out
I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself
I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.
My house lock jammed and I'm locked in.
theres a rat out the back garden and my Mum is going mad, i need to stay at home and try to kill it
too windy. couldn't open my front door.
Fred Phelps is protesting outside my house and I can't get outta the driveway
I just realized I am supposed to be at work but I'm drunk.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Woody Allen quotes

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am two with nature.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

creative writing

The manager of a zoo was drafting a letter to order a pair of animals. He sat at his computer and typed the following sentence: "I would like to place an order for two mongooses, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

He stared at the screen, focusing on that odd word mongooses. Then he deleted the word and added another, so that the sentence now read: "I would like to place an order for two mongeese, to be delivered at your earliest convenience."

Again he stared at the screen, this time focusing on the new word, which seemed just as odd as the original one. Finally, he deleted the whole sentence and started all over. "Everyone knows no full-stocked zoo should be without a mongoose," he typed. "Please send two."

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Linguistics Lecture

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day.

"In English, a double negative forms a positive," he said. "In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Monday, December 3, 2007

Loser baby - Stunts go wrong

unfortunately YouTube won't let you embed this video and the video quality is atrocious. But its still quite funny...gotta love those colliding bulls!

see it here

Sunday, December 2, 2007

the wedding deal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the celibrant with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the pastor the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the celibrant looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the priest and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The priest put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Saturday, December 1, 2007

Evel's last stunt

vale daredevil Robert Craig "Evel" Knievel 1938-2007

was this his last stunt?