He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Possibly Confucius Sayings
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man gives wife upright organ.
Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who make love to girl on hill, well, he not on level.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.
He who go to sleep with itchy arse wakes up with stinky fingers.
Learn to Masturbate, Come in handy.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion.
No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.
Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man gives wife upright organ.
Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who make love to girl on hill, well, he not on level.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.
He who go to sleep with itchy arse wakes up with stinky fingers.
Learn to Masturbate, Come in handy.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion.
No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.
Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
can of worms
A creative Irish priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. So at the start of his sermon, he placed four worms into four separate jars. He put the first worm into a container of alcohol. He put the second worm into a container of cigarette smoke. He put the third into a container of chocolate syrup. And the fourth worm he placed in a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead, too.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the gratified priest turned around and dared his congregration. "What can you all learn from this demonstration?" he thundered.
A timid voice up the back shouts: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead, too.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the gratified priest turned around and dared his congregration. "What can you all learn from this demonstration?" he thundered.
A timid voice up the back shouts: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Marcel Marceau jokes leave me speechless
Marcel Marceau died on the weekend aged 84. Archivists are looking through his old diaries to find out what his last words were.
Perhaps it was this. The only speaking part in Mel Brooks's Silent Movie (1976):
Meanwhile see some amusing Marceau cartoons here at There Aint No Sanity Clause
Perhaps it was this. The only speaking part in Mel Brooks's Silent Movie (1976):
Meanwhile see some amusing Marceau cartoons here at There Aint No Sanity Clause
Monday, September 24, 2007
cockroach reproach
Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one discusses a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Riding The Camel
A captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost.
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.
The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?" The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel."
The captain said, "Well, if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."
After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captain's quarters.
The captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Effin Eddie Moroney
The world needs to know more about Eddie Moroney (aka Effin Eddie) from the Glen of Aherlow, Co Tipperary, Ireland. He did the commentary for the Tipperary under 21 football final between Aherlow and Nenagh in 1992.
Eddie went a bit mental and showed his partisan side in his support of Aherlow, not to mention his contempt for the ref.
The full wave file of Eddie's antics can be found here
Some Highlights include:
"What a relief, he's like a tablet".
"Bollocks of a ref".
"he's given a penalty, the bollocks has given a penalty!"
"You can't be boxing Tyson!".
"and the referee is looking around and acting the mickey!"
"and he won't even kick a fucking point"
"what the hell is his name?"
"jaysus, I think I'm gonna get sick after all that beer yesterday!!!".
"my false teeth are coming out"
"that bollocks! that number 6"
"there's a free out here to be taken by...I dunno".
"oh mother of god, there'll be a big night in the glen!"
"its definitely, probably, one of the greatest days in Aherlow GAA circumstances".
Eddie went a bit mental and showed his partisan side in his support of Aherlow, not to mention his contempt for the ref.
The full wave file of Eddie's antics can be found here
Some Highlights include:
"What a relief, he's like a tablet".
"Bollocks of a ref".
"he's given a penalty, the bollocks has given a penalty!"
"You can't be boxing Tyson!".
"and the referee is looking around and acting the mickey!"
"and he won't even kick a fucking point"
"what the hell is his name?"
"jaysus, I think I'm gonna get sick after all that beer yesterday!!!".
"my false teeth are coming out"
"that bollocks! that number 6"
"there's a free out here to be taken by...I dunno".
"oh mother of god, there'll be a big night in the glen!"
"its definitely, probably, one of the greatest days in Aherlow GAA circumstances".
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
brain surgery boy wakes up with different accent.
The mind is a funny thing..
A 10-year-old English boy has woken up with a posh English accent after undergoing life-saving brain surgery to cure meningitis.
William McCartney-Moore's usual northern England accent was replaced with a much more refined tones complete with elongated vowels after he had an operation in March to remove fluid on his brain.
according to his mum "He went in with a York accent and he came out all posh."
read on more of this new York accent here
A 10-year-old English boy has woken up with a posh English accent after undergoing life-saving brain surgery to cure meningitis.
William McCartney-Moore's usual northern England accent was replaced with a much more refined tones complete with elongated vowels after he had an operation in March to remove fluid on his brain.
according to his mum "He went in with a York accent and he came out all posh."
read on more of this new York accent here
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
great music video
The band is Field Music from Sunderland, UK.
The song is "In Context".
The video is brilliant.
The song is "In Context".
The video is brilliant.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Very, very, silly egg joke
There are two eggs in a frying pan. One egg says "boy, it's hot in here!".
The other egg says "Ah! A talking egg!".
The other egg says "Ah! A talking egg!".
Sunday, September 16, 2007
The web's weird and wonderful
The Stanford Prison Experiment
What happens when you put good people in an evil place? Does humanity
win over evil, or does evil triumph?
Ugly Dress
An archive of the world's worst Bridesmaids dresses...You'll see photographic
proof of some of the dresses that our friends, the brides, have made us wear so that they could look good.
Skulls
"A skull is a machine - one designed by nature nearly 500 million years ago to protect the brain and sensory organs in vertebrate animals."
MoonAmtrak.org
Here's one for people who like to show their arse to passing Amtrak
trains... This site does not contain offensive or sexually suggestive material.
Emptyworld
Here's a site dedicated to fiction and film depicting the end of the world, apocalypse and nuclear war. Plague, famine, drought and war all feature... Populations decimated, survivors struggling to re-build after the apocalyptic event...
Send Me Your Wounds
If you want to see some nasty, sick, infected wounds.... you're going to the right place. You can submit pics that you find on the web, or pics of your own wounds, the nastier the better.
Daily Rotten
Rotten Dot Com is the Internet's prominent publisher of disturbing, offensive, disgusting, yet extremely compelling content. Founded in 1996 after the enactment of the Communications Decency Act, their mission is to actively demonstrate that censorship of the Internet is impractical, unethical, and wrong.
Ugly Footballers.com
The FIFA World Cup is over,but don't worry, you won't leave stranded without
the best of the worst in football faces. With the Premiership season on it's way, there's plenty more to come. Check out the streakers, mullets and men in black sections! Enjoy the players' wives, ugly fans and ugly injuries!
Kill Everyone
"The world is overpopulated. The people that overpopulate it are stupid.
They should be killed. Please help us achieve this noble goal virtually
by participating in the Kill Everyone Project.
Snow Peeing
The winter olympics newest demonstration sport has a long and fabled tradition. From the frozen north comes Snow Peeing! Although not yet an official sport, Snow Peeing dates back to prehistoric times. Cave drawings found in Scotland depict large scale competitions...
Anomalies-unlimited.com
Here's a web site with tons of funny links and odd items. Weird pics,
strange places, unsusual clicks and hits to the bizarre... Fasten your
seatbelt for a pleasant ride on line.
The Anti Hippie League
The Anti-Hippie Action League was founded in 1995 with the express
purpose of wiping longhairs off the face of the planet, by whatever means
deemed appropriate. But remember: always "Make peace, not war!" :-)
The Morbid Fact Du Jour
"Where bad things happen to good people."
Don't you just love to find out -and read about- how horrible life and
humanity in general can be? This site has tons of facts about famous
serial killers, natural disaster statistics and dumb criminals, dying in
weird and stupid conditions. Yes, it's as morbid as it can get...
The Watergun Museum
The largest digital watergun museum on the Internet. This web master has collected thousands waterguns for over 18 years, and he's so nice and
friendly to expose them for you all on the World Wide Web. Yes, some
folks do have weird hobbies out there... but at least, they don't harm anyone :-)
The Poop Report
Poop is everywhere. Poop is changing lives and influencing world affairs.
It's one of the few things that everyone -from the mightiest king to the
lowliest peasant- looks forward to, every day. In spite of the fact that it's
taboo, poop keeps on popping up -in the news, on TV, in the movies. And
at PoopReport, they feel it's their solemn duty to record and distill any
online poop sightings.
The Ghost Hunter Society
The International Ghost Hunters Society has been a pioneer and
leader in the EVP development for the ghost hunting community
since 1996. Electronic Voice Phenomena is a process whereby the
voice or voices of the dead are embedded onto magnetic recording
tape by a process that we do not understand. The embedded "ghost"
voice can be heard when the magnetic audio tape is played back
on a tape recorder/player. Some have success with digital recorders,
but beware of digital static...
Garbage-House
The garbage house offers "a veritable festering stinkpile of a site that
leaves an odd smell that the neighbors curiously won't notice." This site
contains some really weird pics, and other schocking material, so don't
be offended, you're warned!
Clumsy Crooks
Explore this funny selection of True Stories of actual crimes committed by Clumsy Crooks and Foolish Felons! Lots of stories, amusing pictures, and news facts like: "Mexican Prisoner Juan Lopez escaped from jail January 1996 after using acidic salsa sauce from six years of jailhouse dinners to dissolve the bars on his cell window." Go check it out, and don't forget to vote for this site, whether you like it or hate it.
When Good Toilets go Bad
A collection of news articles about what happens when people and toilets
don't get along. Also, when good toilets do bad things, when well-meaning
toilet owners get out of hand.
The Vanishing Tattoo
Why? Because they created the best tattoo site on the Internet,
that's why! Check them out, and feel the pain!
Punch 'em!
Who do you feel you want to punch today? Go ahead, smack them
in the face, as hard as you like. They deserve some clapping :-)
The Excuses Page
Yes, we all need excuses. Did you do something? Or didn't you
do something? You're late again, broke something, don't feel like it...
Now fear no more!
Malepregnancy.com
As an artist who has had solo exhibitions at The Whitney Museum
of American Art and The Cleveland Museum of Art, Lee Mingwei
explores the evanescent and diurnal cycles of living. His work is
based on such basic human activities as cooking, letter writing, and
now child-bearing...
Wrybread.com
Don't miss the "Crack Cam" -see crack smokers do a little dance
in webmaster Hugh's neighborhood- and the "Crossed Lines and Bad
Connections" section -telephone terrorism in RealAudio- where Hugh
calls up 2 complete strangers and then records their confusion for our
pleasure :-)
Lip Balm Anonymous
A fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
strength, and hope with each other so that they may solve their
common problem and help others to recover from their addiction.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using lip
balm and there are never any fees for membership as we are self
supported through our own contributions.
Eightball Magazine
Eightball Magazine is an adult humor magazine updated daily with
satirical rants, fake advertisements, disinformative newsflashes and
celebrity gossip from around our perfect world. Whether you find this
site funny or not depends on your particular degree of dysfunctionality
in your household.
The Political Graveyard
Politicians. You love them, or you hate them. This web site tells
where the dead ones are buried. Find places, people, and dates in
this extended database of historic cemeteries.
Gallery of obscure patents
From the unusual to the bizarre, the Gallery of Obscure Patents is
a result of research into the deepest recesses of the Intellectual
Property Network archives.
Ain't no way to go
'A collection of news and magazine articles I've collected over the
past decade, all relating to the various ways people have departed
this sphere of existence, some humorous, some horrific.'
Customers suck
Everyone at one point or another is forced to become a customer.
There's not much we can all do about that. We all have to buy
something. So we're not saying that all customers suck. Just a
portion of them do.
The Dull Men Club
A place where Dull Men can share thoughts and experiences,
free from pressures to be "in" and "trendy", and enjoy instead the
simple, ordinary things of everyday life.
Find a grave
"I collect dirt from the graves of noteworthy people. This is a
source for where such people are buried..."
The Heartless Bitches website
..."let's call it: "a stylish wives club"
What happens when you put good people in an evil place? Does humanity
win over evil, or does evil triumph?
Ugly Dress
An archive of the world's worst Bridesmaids dresses...You'll see photographic
proof of some of the dresses that our friends, the brides, have made us wear so that they could look good.
Skulls
"A skull is a machine - one designed by nature nearly 500 million years ago to protect the brain and sensory organs in vertebrate animals."
MoonAmtrak.org
Here's one for people who like to show their arse to passing Amtrak
trains... This site does not contain offensive or sexually suggestive material.
Emptyworld
Here's a site dedicated to fiction and film depicting the end of the world, apocalypse and nuclear war. Plague, famine, drought and war all feature... Populations decimated, survivors struggling to re-build after the apocalyptic event...
Send Me Your Wounds
If you want to see some nasty, sick, infected wounds.... you're going to the right place. You can submit pics that you find on the web, or pics of your own wounds, the nastier the better.
Daily Rotten
Rotten Dot Com is the Internet's prominent publisher of disturbing, offensive, disgusting, yet extremely compelling content. Founded in 1996 after the enactment of the Communications Decency Act, their mission is to actively demonstrate that censorship of the Internet is impractical, unethical, and wrong.
Ugly Footballers.com
The FIFA World Cup is over,but don't worry, you won't leave stranded without
the best of the worst in football faces. With the Premiership season on it's way, there's plenty more to come. Check out the streakers, mullets and men in black sections! Enjoy the players' wives, ugly fans and ugly injuries!
Kill Everyone
"The world is overpopulated. The people that overpopulate it are stupid.
They should be killed. Please help us achieve this noble goal virtually
by participating in the Kill Everyone Project.
Snow Peeing
The winter olympics newest demonstration sport has a long and fabled tradition. From the frozen north comes Snow Peeing! Although not yet an official sport, Snow Peeing dates back to prehistoric times. Cave drawings found in Scotland depict large scale competitions...
Anomalies-unlimited.com
Here's a web site with tons of funny links and odd items. Weird pics,
strange places, unsusual clicks and hits to the bizarre... Fasten your
seatbelt for a pleasant ride on line.
The Anti Hippie League
The Anti-Hippie Action League was founded in 1995 with the express
purpose of wiping longhairs off the face of the planet, by whatever means
deemed appropriate. But remember: always "Make peace, not war!" :-)
The Morbid Fact Du Jour
"Where bad things happen to good people."
Don't you just love to find out -and read about- how horrible life and
humanity in general can be? This site has tons of facts about famous
serial killers, natural disaster statistics and dumb criminals, dying in
weird and stupid conditions. Yes, it's as morbid as it can get...
The Watergun Museum
The largest digital watergun museum on the Internet. This web master has collected thousands waterguns for over 18 years, and he's so nice and
friendly to expose them for you all on the World Wide Web. Yes, some
folks do have weird hobbies out there... but at least, they don't harm anyone :-)
The Poop Report
Poop is everywhere. Poop is changing lives and influencing world affairs.
It's one of the few things that everyone -from the mightiest king to the
lowliest peasant- looks forward to, every day. In spite of the fact that it's
taboo, poop keeps on popping up -in the news, on TV, in the movies. And
at PoopReport, they feel it's their solemn duty to record and distill any
online poop sightings.
The Ghost Hunter Society
The International Ghost Hunters Society has been a pioneer and
leader in the EVP development for the ghost hunting community
since 1996. Electronic Voice Phenomena is a process whereby the
voice or voices of the dead are embedded onto magnetic recording
tape by a process that we do not understand. The embedded "ghost"
voice can be heard when the magnetic audio tape is played back
on a tape recorder/player. Some have success with digital recorders,
but beware of digital static...
Garbage-House
The garbage house offers "a veritable festering stinkpile of a site that
leaves an odd smell that the neighbors curiously won't notice." This site
contains some really weird pics, and other schocking material, so don't
be offended, you're warned!
Clumsy Crooks
Explore this funny selection of True Stories of actual crimes committed by Clumsy Crooks and Foolish Felons! Lots of stories, amusing pictures, and news facts like: "Mexican Prisoner Juan Lopez escaped from jail January 1996 after using acidic salsa sauce from six years of jailhouse dinners to dissolve the bars on his cell window." Go check it out, and don't forget to vote for this site, whether you like it or hate it.
When Good Toilets go Bad
A collection of news articles about what happens when people and toilets
don't get along. Also, when good toilets do bad things, when well-meaning
toilet owners get out of hand.
The Vanishing Tattoo
Why? Because they created the best tattoo site on the Internet,
that's why! Check them out, and feel the pain!
Punch 'em!
Who do you feel you want to punch today? Go ahead, smack them
in the face, as hard as you like. They deserve some clapping :-)
The Excuses Page
Yes, we all need excuses. Did you do something? Or didn't you
do something? You're late again, broke something, don't feel like it...
Now fear no more!
Malepregnancy.com
As an artist who has had solo exhibitions at The Whitney Museum
of American Art and The Cleveland Museum of Art, Lee Mingwei
explores the evanescent and diurnal cycles of living. His work is
based on such basic human activities as cooking, letter writing, and
now child-bearing...
Wrybread.com
Don't miss the "Crack Cam" -see crack smokers do a little dance
in webmaster Hugh's neighborhood- and the "Crossed Lines and Bad
Connections" section -telephone terrorism in RealAudio- where Hugh
calls up 2 complete strangers and then records their confusion for our
pleasure :-)
Lip Balm Anonymous
A fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
strength, and hope with each other so that they may solve their
common problem and help others to recover from their addiction.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop using lip
balm and there are never any fees for membership as we are self
supported through our own contributions.
Eightball Magazine
Eightball Magazine is an adult humor magazine updated daily with
satirical rants, fake advertisements, disinformative newsflashes and
celebrity gossip from around our perfect world. Whether you find this
site funny or not depends on your particular degree of dysfunctionality
in your household.
The Political Graveyard
Politicians. You love them, or you hate them. This web site tells
where the dead ones are buried. Find places, people, and dates in
this extended database of historic cemeteries.
Gallery of obscure patents
From the unusual to the bizarre, the Gallery of Obscure Patents is
a result of research into the deepest recesses of the Intellectual
Property Network archives.
Ain't no way to go
'A collection of news and magazine articles I've collected over the
past decade, all relating to the various ways people have departed
this sphere of existence, some humorous, some horrific.'
Customers suck
Everyone at one point or another is forced to become a customer.
There's not much we can all do about that. We all have to buy
something. So we're not saying that all customers suck. Just a
portion of them do.
The Dull Men Club
A place where Dull Men can share thoughts and experiences,
free from pressures to be "in" and "trendy", and enjoy instead the
simple, ordinary things of everyday life.
Find a grave
"I collect dirt from the graves of noteworthy people. This is a
source for where such people are buried..."
The Heartless Bitches website
..."let's call it: "a stylish wives club"
Friday, September 14, 2007
US Air Force maintenance problems & solutions
(P) = problem, (S) = solution
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this model
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) something loose in cockpit
(S) something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after a brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed target radar with the words
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre
(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(S) Autoland not installed on this model
(P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
(S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1, #3, #4 propellers lack normal seepage
(P) something loose in cockpit
(S) something tightened in cockpit
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(S) Evidence removed
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud
(S) Volume set to more believable level
(P) Dead bugs on windshield
(S) Live bugs on order
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground
(P) IFF inoperative
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode
(P) Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick
(S) That's what they're there for
(P) Number three engine missing
(S) Engine found on right wing after a brief search
(P) Aircraft handles funny
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious
(P) Target Radar hums
(S) Reprogrammed target radar with the words
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Great Dan Quayle quotes
J Danforth Quayle was the 44th vice-president of the US between 1988-1992. He was probably deliberately brought in to make his boss, George Bush snr, look good.He almost makes Bush jnr seem intelligent. Here were some of Dan the Man's prized comments:
I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
The future will be better tomorrow.
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
Public speaking is very easy.
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future.
People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history.
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quayle may or may not make.
The future will be better tomorrow.
We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.
We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.
Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system.
Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.
One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.
I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe.
The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
For NASA, space is still a high priority.
Public speaking is very easy.
I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
International Talk Like a Pilot Day
I say, old boy...unfortunately I missed this at the time (19 May) and I'm a bit of a tail end Charlie with the news. Nonetheless the first ever Talk Like a Pilot Day deserves to be better known.
better four months late than never, what, old bean? Roger, that.
Chock's Away!
better four months late than never, what, old bean? Roger, that.
Chock's Away!
Monday, September 10, 2007
Billy Connolly's life lessons
Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Boo joggers.
Don't work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
Salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."
Have lots of long lie-ins.
Wear sturdy socks, learn to grow out of medium underwear and, if you must lie about your age, do it in the other direction. Tell people you're ninety-seven and they'll think you look fucking great.
Try to catch a trout and experience the glorious feeling of letting it go and seeing it swimming away.
Never eat food that comes in a bucket.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
Boo joggers.
Don't work out, work in.
Play the banjo.
Sleep with somebody you like.
Eat plenty of liquorice Allsorts.
Try to live in a place you like.
Marry somebody you like.
Try to do a job you like.
Never turn down an opportunity to shout "Fuck them all!" at the top of your voice.
Avoid bigots of all descriptions.
Let your own bed become to you what the Pole Star was to sailors of old.....look forward to it.
Don't wear tight underwear on aeroplanes.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Clean your teeth and keep the company of people who will tell you when there's spinach on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
Don't pat animals with sneaky eyes.
If you haven't heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.
Avoid giving LSD to guide dogs.
Don't be talked into wearing a uniform.
Salute nobody.
Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
Campaign against blue Smarties.
Above all, go to Glasgow at least once in your life and have a roll and square sliced sausage and a cup of tea. When you feel the tea coursing over your spice-singed tongue, you'll know what I mean when I say: It's good to be alive."
Sunday, September 9, 2007
God hates Ireland
Its official...God Hates IrelandFresh from hating the Swedes and the Canadians for apparent "pro sodomite" policies, serial nutter Fred Phelps now has Ireland in his sights. Seems UCD invited him to a Gay Adoption Debate and Phelps cleverly saw through this as an excuse to arrest him in Dublin for inciting hatred. As Phelps helpfully says, the law is "a draconian, antichristic cup of Satan’s slimy vomit straight from the maw of Hell"
...and having been there, he should know.
Saturday, September 8, 2007
light bulb
Q. How many New York taxi drivers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Whaddya think I am...a fuckin' information booth?
A. Whaddya think I am...a fuckin' information booth?
Friday, September 7, 2007
Great label instructions of our time
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body anyway?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dove soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body anyway?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
Thursday, September 6, 2007
FINAL EXAM
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." The student looked incredulous and angry.
"Do you know WHO I am?"
"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.
"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.
"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Horslips Let it Be moment in Dublin 1976
worth a look once you get past the turgid "homage" at the start....
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
just deserts
An Arab was walking through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. The Arab asked “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
The man replied “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your robes.”
The Arab shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that hill there, about 4 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The Arab thanked him and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared. Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table. He said “I told you, about 4 miles over that hill. Couldn’t you find it?”
The Arab rasped “I found it all right. They wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
Monday, September 3, 2007
just as schloshed as Schlegel
The Philosopher's Song (Monty Python)
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya'
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED...
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it all the way;
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Wilhelm Freidrich Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya'
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
SOCRATES, HIMSELF, WAS PERMANENTLY PISSED...
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it all the way;
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Dark was the Night (Cold Was the Ground)
a song by Blind Willie Johnson that has now passed the Termination Shock on Voyager One's Golden Record.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
The wit and wisdom of Michael Muircheartaigh
He is Ireland's walking compendium of hurling. And here are some of Michael Muircheartaigh's classic quotes"... and Brian Dooher is down injured. And while he is, I'll tell ye a little story. I was in Times' Square in New York last week, and I was missing the Championship back home. So I approached a news-stand and I said 'I suppose ye wouldn't have the Kerryman would ye?' To which, the Egyptian behind the counter turned to me and he said 'do you want the North Kerry edition or the South Kerry edition?'... he had both...so I bought both. And Dooher is back on his feet..."
"Anthony Lynch the Cork corner back will be the last person to let you down - his people are undertakers"
"I saw a few Sligo people at Mass in Gardiner street this morning and the omens seem to be good for them. The priest was wearing the same colours as the Sligo jersey! 40 yards out on the Hogan stand side of the field Ciaran Whelan goes on a rampage, its a goal. So much for religion."
Colin Corkery on the 45 lets go with the right boot. Its over the bar. This man shouldn't be playing football. He's made an almost Lazarus-like recovery from a heart condition. Lazarus was a great man but he couldn't kick points like Colin Corkery.
"1-5 to 0-8.. well from Lapland to the Antarctic, that's level scores in any man's language".
"Pat Fox has it on his hurl and is motoring well now ... but here comes Joe Rabbitte hot on his tail ...... I've seen it all now, a Rabbitte chasing a Fox around Croke Park!"
"I see John O Donnell dispensing water on the sideline. Tipperary, sponsored by a water company. Cork Sponsored by a tae company. I wonder will they meet later for afternoon tae."
"Teddy looks at the ball, the ball looks at Teddy"
"Danny "The Yank" Culloty. He came down from the mountains and hasn't he done well"
"He grabs the sliothar, he's on the 50......he's on the 40......he's on the 30..........................he's on the ground"
"In the first half they played with the wind. In the second half they played with the ball".
"He kicks the ball lan san aer, could've been a goal, could've been a point.............it went wide."
"Stephen Byrne with the puck out for Offaly....Stephen, one of 12......all but one are here to-day, the one that's missing is Mary, she's at home minding the house.....and the ball is dropping i lar na bpairce...."
"Pat Fox out to the forty and grabs the sliothar, I bought a dog from his father last week. Fox turns and sprints for goal, the dog ran a great race last Tuesday in Limerick. Fox to the 21 fires a shot, it goes to the left and wide..... and the dog lost as well."
"Sean Og O'Hailpin.... his father's from Fermanagh, his mother's from Fiji, neither a hurling stronghold."
"Teddy McCarthy to Mick McCarthy, no relation, Mick McCarthy back to Teddy McCarthy, still no relation. "
"...There are two things in Ireland that would drive you to drink. GAA referees would drive you to drink and the price of drink would drive you to drink.
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