Friday, August 31, 2007

Advance Australia Prayer

35 amusing alternatives to Australia's idiotic new citizenship test questions according to today's Crikey readers:

1. "Aspirational Nationalism" means:
a) Aspiring to become a citizen of another country.

b) Aspiring to escape the Country Party.

c) Nothing. It was coined by Dr Seuss.

2. If a boatload of refugees want to enter your country, what do you do:

a) Welcome them with open arms.

b) Send them for off-shore processing.

c) Ignore them and hope they go away?

3. For those who fail Question 1 what should Heaven do with them:

a) Welcome them with open arms.

b) Send them for off-shore processing.

c) Ignore them and hope they go away?

4. Australia's national dish is:

a) Neil Perry's QANTAS muffins.

b) Lara Bingle.

c) Spineless, white, flavourless chicken with a passing gesture to a native raspberry and lemon myrtle reduction.

5. Australia's coat of arms is adorned with:

a) A kangaroo and an emu.

b) A cane toad and a rabbit.

c) A chihuahua on a leash.

6. Germaine Greer is:

a) Recent Miss Australia now betrothed to Donald Trump.

b) A Gold Coast meter maid.

c) Inventor of the stun gun.

7. R G Menzies was:

a) Ned Kellys' nephew.

b) Top goal scorer for the Essendon thirds.

c) Translator of the Karma Sutra.

8. Grange Hermitage is:

a) An upmarket bordello.

b) A rest home for injured kangaroos.

c) A hedge fund.

9. Agent Orange is:

a) A real estate salesperson.

b) A petrol additive that boosts mileage.

c) 2IC of ASIO.

10. Dame Nellie Melba was:

a) The first female to swim Bass strait.

b) Billy McMahons' grandmother.

c) A draught horse.

11. Pauline Hanson famously stated, "We’re in danger of being swamped by…":

a) Haitians

b) The National Front

c) Rising sea levels

12. What is the fifteenth line of Advance Australia Fair?:

a) Hum a few bars and I’ll get it.

b) I left my heart to the sappers round Khe Sanh.

c) We will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which they come.

13. Where does the Prime Minister reside?:

a) Canberra, obviously.

b) In a big house on Lollipop Lane.

c) On the North Shore, daaahling.

14. In Australia, everyone has equal rights, unless you are:

a) An overseas trained doctor.

b) Gay.

c) David Hicks.

15. Who is the Queen’s representative in Australia?:

a) The Prime Minister.

b) The Governor General.

c) David Flint.

16. Who is the 25th Prime Minister of Australia?:

a) I’m drawing a complete blank.

b) Are you sure we’ve actually had 25?

c) Does anyone really care?

17. In Australia you are free to worship:

a) Warney.

b) IR Reform.

c) The Christian God of you choice.

18. Who chooses the Prime Minister?:

a) A popular vote.

b) The Australian.

c) Alan Jones.

19. How is policy formulated in Australia?:

a) On the back of an envelope.

b) On talkback radio.

c) In a non-core way.

20. All new arrivals are required to present:

a) A 457 Visa.

b) Their SIM card.

c) A nice leg spinner to off stump.

21. John Howard is:

a) Mr. Sheen.

b) George Bush's apparent best friend.

c) That actor guy who appears on Aussie dramas.

22. Australia’s greatest contribution to the culinary arts is:

a) Pavlova.

b) Vegemite.

c) Anything with tomato sauce on it.

23. Who was the best lead singer of AC/DC:

a) Bon Scott.

b) Brian Johnson.

c) Bob Brown.

24. "Sledging" is the art of:

a) Telling someone you love them on the cricket field.

b) Telling someone you love their mother on the cricket field.

c) Policy debate in federal parliament.

25. If a tree falls in the forest does it:

a) End up at a pulp mill.

b) Allow someone to deduct it from their tax.

c) Give an excuse for a federal politician to visit selected Tasmanian electorates with a large suitcase full of cash.

d) All of the above.

26. If Don Bradman was still alive he would:

a) Be living in the granny flat at Kirribilli.

b) Still be playing in the Prime Minister's XI.

c) Taking out a restraining order on John Howard for harassment

27. The APEC Leaders shirts this year will be:

a) King Gee Khakis.

b) Qantas Vodaphone Nokia Telstra Wallaby jersey.

c) VB Tee Shirt with matching neoprene stubby holder and double pluggers.

28. What is McLeod’s Daughters?

a) An accurate reflection of life in rural Australia.

b) An accurate reflection of urban Australia’s a romanticisation of "the bush".

c) An accurate reflection of how the quality of Channel Nine’s programming has gone down the toilet.

29. Crikey is:

a) A fine example of balanced independent journalism.

b) A pack of left wing idealistic ratbags.

c) A disenchanted group envious of the success and glamour of mainstream journalism.

30. Australian politicians are expected to set a moral example for the nation. As such, an Australian politician would never:

a) Visit a strip club.

b) Conspire with whacky cult members.

c) Present to the public a skewed version of the evidence about a terror suspect.

d) Wake up one morning and realise that they're Alexander Downer.

31. The Bali Nine are:

a) The emergency exit seats on a Garuda Airlines flight.

b) The Australian Federal Police’s Jazz Ensemble.

c) Something to do with Schapelle Corby.

32. The Sydney Harbour Bridge was designed to:

a) Link the CBD of Sydney with its North Shore.

b) Facilitate Roman Candle detonation on New Years Eve.

c) Complement the new crockery at Kirribilli House.

33. The Melbourne Cup is:

a) A type of coffee to be seen sipping at a trendy pavement cafe

b) A small very select Melbourne restaurant.

c) A horse race.

34. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is:

a) Australia’s greatest living national treasure.

b) Was robbed of his justly deserved Gold Logie and is still waiting for an apology.

c) Is best served on a bed of wasabi mash with rucola salad and an Asian dressing. Latte optional.

35. "Andrew Bolt" is:

a) A phrase, yelled by Mrs Sheila Jones, when police discovered her husband Andrew's marijuana plants.

b) A piece of hardware, used to provide tension in the wires of a Hills Hoist.

c) A piece of software, use to provide tension to anyone to the "left" of oncoming traffic.

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