35 amusing alternatives to Australia's idiotic new citizenship test questions according to today's Crikey readers:
1. "Aspirational Nationalism" means:
a) Aspiring to become a citizen of another country.
b) Aspiring to escape the Country Party.
c) Nothing. It was coined by Dr Seuss.
2. If a boatload of refugees want to enter your country, what do you do:
a) Welcome them with open arms.
b) Send them for off-shore processing.
c) Ignore them and hope they go away?
3. For those who fail Question 1 what should Heaven do with them:
a) Welcome them with open arms.
b) Send them for off-shore processing.
c) Ignore them and hope they go away?
4. Australia's national dish is:
a) Neil Perry's QANTAS muffins.
b) Lara Bingle.
c) Spineless, white, flavourless chicken with a passing gesture to a native raspberry and lemon myrtle reduction.
5. Australia's coat of arms is adorned with:
a) A kangaroo and an emu.
b) A cane toad and a rabbit.
c) A chihuahua on a leash.
6. Germaine Greer is:
a) Recent Miss Australia now betrothed to Donald Trump.
b) A Gold Coast meter maid.
c) Inventor of the stun gun.
7. R G Menzies was:
a) Ned Kellys' nephew.
b) Top goal scorer for the Essendon thirds.
c) Translator of the Karma Sutra.
8. Grange Hermitage is:
a) An upmarket bordello.
b) A rest home for injured kangaroos.
c) A hedge fund.
9. Agent Orange is:
a) A real estate salesperson.
b) A petrol additive that boosts mileage.
c) 2IC of ASIO.
10. Dame Nellie Melba was:
a) The first female to swim Bass strait.
b) Billy McMahons' grandmother.
c) A draught horse.
11. Pauline Hanson famously stated, "We’re in danger of being swamped by…":
a) Haitians
b) The National Front
c) Rising sea levels
12. What is the fifteenth line of Advance Australia Fair?:
a) Hum a few bars and I’ll get it.
b) I left my heart to the sappers round Khe Sanh.
c) We will decide who comes to this country and the circumstances in which they come.
13. Where does the Prime Minister reside?:
a) Canberra, obviously.
b) In a big house on Lollipop Lane.
c) On the North Shore, daaahling.
14. In Australia, everyone has equal rights, unless you are:
a) An overseas trained doctor.
b) Gay.
c) David Hicks.
15. Who is the Queen’s representative in Australia?:
a) The Prime Minister.
b) The Governor General.
c) David Flint.
16. Who is the 25th Prime Minister of Australia?:
a) I’m drawing a complete blank.
b) Are you sure we’ve actually had 25?
c) Does anyone really care?
17. In Australia you are free to worship:
a) Warney.
b) IR Reform.
c) The Christian God of you choice.
18. Who chooses the Prime Minister?:
a) A popular vote.
b) The Australian.
c) Alan Jones.
19. How is policy formulated in Australia?:
a) On the back of an envelope.
b) On talkback radio.
c) In a non-core way.
20. All new arrivals are required to present:
a) A 457 Visa.
b) Their SIM card.
c) A nice leg spinner to off stump.
21. John Howard is:
a) Mr. Sheen.
b) George Bush's apparent best friend.
c) That actor guy who appears on Aussie dramas.
22. Australia’s greatest contribution to the culinary arts is:
a) Pavlova.
b) Vegemite.
c) Anything with tomato sauce on it.
23. Who was the best lead singer of AC/DC:
a) Bon Scott.
b) Brian Johnson.
c) Bob Brown.
24. "Sledging" is the art of:
a) Telling someone you love them on the cricket field.
b) Telling someone you love their mother on the cricket field.
c) Policy debate in federal parliament.
25. If a tree falls in the forest does it:
a) End up at a pulp mill.
b) Allow someone to deduct it from their tax.
c) Give an excuse for a federal politician to visit selected Tasmanian electorates with a large suitcase full of cash.
d) All of the above.
26. If Don Bradman was still alive he would:
a) Be living in the granny flat at Kirribilli.
b) Still be playing in the Prime Minister's XI.
c) Taking out a restraining order on John Howard for harassment
27. The APEC Leaders shirts this year will be:
a) King Gee Khakis.
b) Qantas Vodaphone Nokia Telstra Wallaby jersey.
c) VB Tee Shirt with matching neoprene stubby holder and double pluggers.
28. What is McLeod’s Daughters?
a) An accurate reflection of life in rural Australia.
b) An accurate reflection of urban Australia’s a romanticisation of "the bush".
c) An accurate reflection of how the quality of Channel Nine’s programming has gone down the toilet.
29. Crikey is:
a) A fine example of balanced independent journalism.
b) A pack of left wing idealistic ratbags.
c) A disenchanted group envious of the success and glamour of mainstream journalism.
30. Australian politicians are expected to set a moral example for the nation. As such, an Australian politician would never:
a) Visit a strip club.
b) Conspire with whacky cult members.
c) Present to the public a skewed version of the evidence about a terror suspect.
d) Wake up one morning and realise that they're Alexander Downer.
31. The Bali Nine are:
a) The emergency exit seats on a Garuda Airlines flight.
b) The Australian Federal Police’s Jazz Ensemble.
c) Something to do with Schapelle Corby.
32. The Sydney Harbour Bridge was designed to:
a) Link the CBD of Sydney with its North Shore.
b) Facilitate Roman Candle detonation on New Years Eve.
c) Complement the new crockery at Kirribilli House.
33. The Melbourne Cup is:
a) A type of coffee to be seen sipping at a trendy pavement cafe
b) A small very select Melbourne restaurant.
c) A horse race.
34. Skippy the Bush Kangaroo is:
a) Australia’s greatest living national treasure.
b) Was robbed of his justly deserved Gold Logie and is still waiting for an apology.
c) Is best served on a bed of wasabi mash with rucola salad and an Asian dressing. Latte optional.
35. "Andrew Bolt" is:
a) A phrase, yelled by Mrs Sheila Jones, when police discovered her husband Andrew's marijuana plants.
b) A piece of hardware, used to provide tension in the wires of a Hills Hoist.
c) A piece of software, use to provide tension to anyone to the "left" of oncoming traffic.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
BBQ Rules
BBQ RULESWe are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces,
and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three metre exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer
while he flips the meat .
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women...
Monday, August 27, 2007
Classic Ronnie Barker: Relieving Pismronunciation
from The Two Ronnies:
Good evening. I am the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying. It's just that you open your mouse, and the worms come turbling out in wuck a say that you dick not what you're thugging to be, and it's very distressing.
"I'm always looing it, and it makes one feel umbumftorcacle, especially when one is going about one's diddly tasks. Slopping at the Sloopermarket, for instance. Only last wonk, I approached the chuckout point, and I shooed the ghoul behind the crash desk the contents of my trilly, and she said 'All right, granddad, shout 'em out.' Well, of course, that's fine for the ordinary man in the stoat who has no dribble with his wolds. For someone like myself, it's worse than a kick in the jackstrop.
"Sometimes, you get stuck on one letter, such as wubbleyou. And I said, 'Well, I've got a tin of woup, a woucumber, two packets of wheese and a walliflower'. She tried to make fun of me and said, 'That will be woo pounds, wifty-wee pence.' So I just said 'Wobblers!' and walked out.
"So you see how dickyfelt it is. But help is at hand. A new society has been formed by our mumblers to help each other in times of excream ices. It is balled Pismronouncers Unanimous, and anyone can ball them up on the smellyphone any time of the day or note, twenty-four flowers a spray, seven stays a creek, and they will come 'round and get drunk with you.
"For foreigners, there will be inperpetwitters, who will all speak many sandwiches, such as Swedish, Turkish, Burkish, Jewish, Gibberish and Rubbish. Membranes will be able to attend tight stool, for heaving classes, to learn how to grope with the many complinkities of the daily loaf.
"Which brings me to the drain reason for squeaking to you tonight. The society's first function as a body was a grand garden freight, and we hope for many more bodily functions in the future. The garden plate was held in the grounds of Blennham Paleyass, Woodstick, and the guest of horror was the great American pip singer, Manny Barrellow. The fete was opened by the bleeder of the opposition, Mister Dale Pinnock ... Pillock, who gave us a few well-frozen worms in praise of the society's jerk. He said that 'In the creeks and stunts that lie ahead, we must do out nut roast to ensure that it sucks weeds.' "And everyone visited the various stores and abrusements, the rudeabouts, thing boats and the dodgers, and of course, all the old favorites such as Srty your Length, guessing the weight of the cook and tinning the pale on the wonky. The occasion was great fun, and I think it can safely be said that all the men present and thoroughly good women were had all the time.
"So, please join out society. Write to me, Doctor Small Pith, The Spanner, Poke Moses, and I will send you some brieflets to browse through and a brass badge to wear in your loophole."
Good evening. I am the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying. It's just that you open your mouse, and the worms come turbling out in wuck a say that you dick not what you're thugging to be, and it's very distressing.
"I'm always looing it, and it makes one feel umbumftorcacle, especially when one is going about one's diddly tasks. Slopping at the Sloopermarket, for instance. Only last wonk, I approached the chuckout point, and I shooed the ghoul behind the crash desk the contents of my trilly, and she said 'All right, granddad, shout 'em out.' Well, of course, that's fine for the ordinary man in the stoat who has no dribble with his wolds. For someone like myself, it's worse than a kick in the jackstrop.
"Sometimes, you get stuck on one letter, such as wubbleyou. And I said, 'Well, I've got a tin of woup, a woucumber, two packets of wheese and a walliflower'. She tried to make fun of me and said, 'That will be woo pounds, wifty-wee pence.' So I just said 'Wobblers!' and walked out.
"So you see how dickyfelt it is. But help is at hand. A new society has been formed by our mumblers to help each other in times of excream ices. It is balled Pismronouncers Unanimous, and anyone can ball them up on the smellyphone any time of the day or note, twenty-four flowers a spray, seven stays a creek, and they will come 'round and get drunk with you.
"For foreigners, there will be inperpetwitters, who will all speak many sandwiches, such as Swedish, Turkish, Burkish, Jewish, Gibberish and Rubbish. Membranes will be able to attend tight stool, for heaving classes, to learn how to grope with the many complinkities of the daily loaf.
"Which brings me to the drain reason for squeaking to you tonight. The society's first function as a body was a grand garden freight, and we hope for many more bodily functions in the future. The garden plate was held in the grounds of Blennham Paleyass, Woodstick, and the guest of horror was the great American pip singer, Manny Barrellow. The fete was opened by the bleeder of the opposition, Mister Dale Pinnock ... Pillock, who gave us a few well-frozen worms in praise of the society's jerk. He said that 'In the creeks and stunts that lie ahead, we must do out nut roast to ensure that it sucks weeds.' "And everyone visited the various stores and abrusements, the rudeabouts, thing boats and the dodgers, and of course, all the old favorites such as Srty your Length, guessing the weight of the cook and tinning the pale on the wonky. The occasion was great fun, and I think it can safely be said that all the men present and thoroughly good women were had all the time.
"So, please join out society. Write to me, Doctor Small Pith, The Spanner, Poke Moses, and I will send you some brieflets to browse through and a brass badge to wear in your loophole."
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Friday, August 24, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
famous last words
# Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.
Francisco ("Pancho") Villa
# I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber
# Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
# Get these fucking nuns away from me.
Norman Douglas
# Don't worry...it's not loaded...
Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.
# Is someone hurt?
Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.
# Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx
# Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!
Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were
# I have a terrific headache.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage
# I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
Richard Feynman
# Drink to me!
Pablo Picasso
# I have not told half of what I saw.
Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer
# Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.
Jean Cocteau
# Dammit... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
# Lord help my poor soul
Edgar Allan Poe
# Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room.
Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999
# I have tried so hard to do right.
Grover Cleveland, US President, died 1908
# I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young.
# In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide.
30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later.
# It's very beautiful over there.
Thomas Edison
# Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.
# Don't worry, relax!
Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.
# No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die.
Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.
# I really need a therapist'
Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Greece
# I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.
Che Guevara
# I'm tired of fighting.
Harry Houdini
# I see black light.
Victor Hugo
# LSD, 100 kilograms I.M.
Aldous Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.
# Let me go to the Father's house
Pope John Paul II
# I'm bored with it all.
Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.
# I know not what tomorrow will bring.
Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet
# Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you.
Mother Teresa
# Don't disturb my circles!
Archimedes
# I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to return.
Frida Kahlo
# Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool - good luck. (suicide note)
George Sanders, Actor
# They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance.
General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it
# Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
George Bernard Shaw
# I'm losing.
Frank Sinatra
# Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?
Socrates
# My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.
Oscar Wilde
Francisco ("Pancho") Villa
# I'll be in Hell before you start breakfast!
"Black Jack" Ketchum, notorious train robber
# Now, now, my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
Voltaire (attributed), when asked by a priest to renounce Satan
# Get these fucking nuns away from me.
Norman Douglas
# Don't worry...it's not loaded...
Terry Kath, rock musician in the band Chicago Transit Authority as he put the gun he was cleaning to his head and pulled the trigger.
# Is someone hurt?
Robert F. Kennedy, to his wife directly after he was shot and seconds before he fell into a coma.
# Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
Groucho Marx
# Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!
Karl Marx, asked by his housekeeper what his last words were
# I have a terrific headache.
Franklin Delano Roosevelt, who died of a massive cerebral hemorrhage
# I'd hate to die twice. It's so boring.
Richard Feynman
# Drink to me!
Pablo Picasso
# I have not told half of what I saw.
Marco Polo, Venetian traveller and writer
# Since the day of my birth, my death began its walk. It is walking towards me, without hurrying.
Jean Cocteau
# Dammit... Don't you dare ask God to help me.
Joan Crawford. This comment was directed towards her housekeeper who began to pray aloud.
# Lord help my poor soul
Edgar Allan Poe
# Thank God. I'm tired of being the funniest person in the room.
Del Close, improvisor, teacher and comedian, died 1999
# I have tried so hard to do right.
Grover Cleveland, US President, died 1908
# I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away. Peace, Love, Empathy. Kurt Cobain.
Kurt Cobain (in his suicide note), Lead singer for American grunge band Nirvana, referencing a song by Neil Young.
# In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts and in living color, you are going to see another first -- attempted suicide.
30-year-old anchorwoman Christine Chubbuck, who, on July 15, 1974, during technical difficulties during a broadcast, said these words on-air before producing a revolver and shooting herself in the head. She was pronounced dead in hospital fourteen hours later.
# It's very beautiful over there.
Thomas Edison
# Now why did I do that?
General William Erskine, after he jumped from a window in Lisbon, Portugal in 1813.
# Don't worry, relax!
Rajiv Gandhi, Indian Prime Minister, to his security staff minutes before being killed by a suicide bomber attack.
# No! I didn't come here to make a speech. I came here to die.
Crawford Goldsby, aka Cherokee Bill, when asked if he had anything to say before he was hanged.
# I really need a therapist'
Christopher Grace, an actor who killed himself during a matinee performance of Greece
# I know you've come to kill me. Shoot, you are only going to kill a man.
Che Guevara
# I'm tired of fighting.
Harry Houdini
# I see black light.
Victor Hugo
# LSD, 100 kilograms I.M.
Aldous Huxley To his wife. She obliged and he was injected twice before his death.
# Let me go to the Father's house
Pope John Paul II
# I'm bored with it all.
Winston Churchill, before slipping into a coma and dying nine days later.
# I know not what tomorrow will bring.
Fernando Pessoa, Portuguese poet
# Jesus, I love you. Jesus, I love you.
Mother Teresa
# Don't disturb my circles!
Archimedes
# I hope the exit is joyful and hope never to return.
Frida Kahlo
# Dear World, I am leaving you because I am bored. I feel I have lived long enough. I am leaving you with your worries in this sweet cesspool - good luck. (suicide note)
George Sanders, Actor
# They couldn't hit an elephant at this distance.
General John Sedgwick, Union Commander in the U.S. Civil War, who was hit by sniper fire a few minutes after saying it
# Dying is easy, comedy is hard.
George Bernard Shaw
# I'm losing.
Frank Sinatra
# Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius. Will you remember to pay the debt?
Socrates
# My wallpaper and I are fighting a duel to the death. One or the other of us has to go.
Oscar Wilde
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
Groucho the Great
the wit and wisdom of Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (1890-1977)
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them.
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
I sent the club a wire stating, Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions-the curtain was up.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!
There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.
To Margret Dumont: "I can see you and I married. I can see you bending over the stove. I can't see the stove!
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing..if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Remember men you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Last night I shot an elephant in my Pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Catapulting into Napoleon: 32 bad exam answers
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. His mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
best unintensionally funny website names
1. A site called ‘Who Represents’ where you can find the name of the agent
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the fine Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And then there was the Mole Station Native Nursery based in New South
Wales who before they realised their blunder and changed their name were:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
8. Then, of course, there’s these art designers, and their swimsuit-flatulent website:
www.speedofart.com
9. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? explore the extra local features at
www.gotahoe.com
that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is
www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange
advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at
www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at
www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there’s the fine Italian Power Generator company:
www.powergenitalia.com
6. And then there was the Mole Station Native Nursery based in New South
Wales who before they realised their blunder and changed their name were:
www.molestationnursery.com
7. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
8. Then, of course, there’s these art designers, and their swimsuit-flatulent website:
www.speedofart.com
9. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? explore the extra local features at
www.gotahoe.com
Friday, August 17, 2007
court transcripts
Q: Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
council: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
A: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
Q: Are you married?
A: No, I'm divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn't know about.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
Q: Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Before or after he died?
THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information from your minds, if you have any.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
council: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
Q: And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: How old are you?
A: Oral.
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
Q: (Showing man picture.) Is that you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
A: I have only one, you know.
Q: And was he dead when you performed the autopsy?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting up on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Thursday, August 16, 2007
problem with Irish I's !!!
Minister bemoans Ireland's “I”.
=====
Foreign Affairs Minister Dermot Ahern has spoken out in a candid and scathing expose to Spanner reporters, revealing the difficulties he and his staff regularly experience in diplomatic dynamics at international conferences and events. The Minister highlighted with ruefulness, his annoyance at Ireland’s position in the alphabetical list of countries, in an interview which underscores the politics at play within the world of politics.
Located, as it is, under “I”, Ireland is forced to keep some very interesting company on the international conference circuit, including Iran, Iraq and Israel, which Mr Ahern argues places him, “smack bang in the middle of all their squabbling”, at conventions of an international nature.
“It’s not fair,” he added, “that when we are at one of those huge meetings, like the IMF, the UN, the Eurovision or something like that, the seating plan is alphabetical. All the other guys have loads of fun, and get to sit beside their friends; some of them even swap places so they can have a bit of craic with the lads. I remember at one of these gigs, Denmark was kind of bored sitting beside the lads from Djibouti, so they moved over beside Germany…but no-one will swap with us. Caught between a rock and a proverbial hard place, the Irish diplomats are frankly at their wits end in their letter grouping, surrounded by their sullen counterparts from the most 'troublesome' nations in the world."
“Sometimes I feel like a parent having to separate kids who keep fighting”, describes a weary member of staff before asserting that, “Iran and Israel are always at each others throats; if it’s not nuclear weapons its religion, day in, day out… They would really try your patience. The Iraqis have never exactly been easy neighbours but recently they’ve calmed down a bit I suppose… And America keeps passing notes to Israel, it gets on my nerves!” The situation could be worse, concedes another diplomat, “We could be under R for Republic. Being stuck between Russia, Romania and Rwanda wouldn’t make life any easier…”
“I feel like I’m at a wedding and the seating plan puts me right with the family from hell,” Mr. Ahern concludes. “Maybe we could call ourselves United Ireland if this devolution thing works out. We could then hang around with the UK or USA a bit more. Wouldn’t do us any harm either... I bet you’d see the old DFI going right up.”
Another solution offered involved the arrangement of countries’ seating arrangements, based on different criteria, such as GDP. Asked whether this controversial move would be an unjust display of the developed world’s dominance over the developing countries, Minister Ahern replied after a long pause, “well I’ve always been good friends with Bono…”.
=====
Foreign Affairs Minister Dermot Ahern has spoken out in a candid and scathing expose to Spanner reporters, revealing the difficulties he and his staff regularly experience in diplomatic dynamics at international conferences and events. The Minister highlighted with ruefulness, his annoyance at Ireland’s position in the alphabetical list of countries, in an interview which underscores the politics at play within the world of politics.
Located, as it is, under “I”, Ireland is forced to keep some very interesting company on the international conference circuit, including Iran, Iraq and Israel, which Mr Ahern argues places him, “smack bang in the middle of all their squabbling”, at conventions of an international nature.
“It’s not fair,” he added, “that when we are at one of those huge meetings, like the IMF, the UN, the Eurovision or something like that, the seating plan is alphabetical. All the other guys have loads of fun, and get to sit beside their friends; some of them even swap places so they can have a bit of craic with the lads. I remember at one of these gigs, Denmark was kind of bored sitting beside the lads from Djibouti, so they moved over beside Germany…but no-one will swap with us. Caught between a rock and a proverbial hard place, the Irish diplomats are frankly at their wits end in their letter grouping, surrounded by their sullen counterparts from the most 'troublesome' nations in the world."
“Sometimes I feel like a parent having to separate kids who keep fighting”, describes a weary member of staff before asserting that, “Iran and Israel are always at each others throats; if it’s not nuclear weapons its religion, day in, day out… They would really try your patience. The Iraqis have never exactly been easy neighbours but recently they’ve calmed down a bit I suppose… And America keeps passing notes to Israel, it gets on my nerves!” The situation could be worse, concedes another diplomat, “We could be under R for Republic. Being stuck between Russia, Romania and Rwanda wouldn’t make life any easier…”
“I feel like I’m at a wedding and the seating plan puts me right with the family from hell,” Mr. Ahern concludes. “Maybe we could call ourselves United Ireland if this devolution thing works out. We could then hang around with the UK or USA a bit more. Wouldn’t do us any harm either... I bet you’d see the old DFI going right up.”
Another solution offered involved the arrangement of countries’ seating arrangements, based on different criteria, such as GDP. Asked whether this controversial move would be an unjust display of the developed world’s dominance over the developing countries, Minister Ahern replied after a long pause, “well I’ve always been good friends with Bono…”.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
assorted yolks
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house."
He said, "I'm not stopping you."
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said, "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said, "Is that the local swimming baths?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
So I rang up a local building firm, I said, "I want a skip outside my house."
He said, "I'm not stopping you."
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again." And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said, "I haven't seen you in a long time." The man replied, "I know I've been ill"
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
I ate a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The Beer Scooter
How many times have you woken up in the morning after a hard night of drinking and thought 'How did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot piece together your return journey from the bar to your home.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins.
The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
The answer to this puzzle is that you used a beer scooter.
The beer scooter is a mythical form of transport, owned and leased out to the drunk by Bacchus the Roman god of wine. Bacchus has branched out since the decrease in the worship of the Roman pantheon and bought a large batch of these magical devices.
The beer scooter works in the following fashion:
The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness and the slurring gland begins to give off a pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many sub-contractors detects the pheromone and sends down a winged beer scooter. The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits them in their bedroom via a trans-dimensional portal.
It is not cheap to run a beer scooter franchise, so a large portion of the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment. This generates the second question after a night out 'How did I spend so much money?'.
Beer scooters have a poor safety record and are thought to be responsible for 90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries).
An undocumented feature of the beer scooter is the destruction of time segments during the trip. The nature of trans-dimensional portals dictates that time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This generates the third question after a night out 'What happened?'
With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the EMIT (Embarrassing Moments In Time) add on, that automatically removes, in descending order, those parts in time regretted most. Unfortunately one person's EMIT is not necessarily the EMIT of another and quite often lost time is regained over a suitable period.
Independent studies have also shown that Beer Goggles cause the scooter's navigation system to malfunction thus sending the passenger to the wrong bedroom often with horrific consequences.
With recent models including a GPS, Bacchus made an investment in a scooter drive-thru chain specialising in half eaten kebabs and pizza crusts.
Another question answered!!
For the family man, beer scooters come equipped with flowers picked from other people's garden and Thump-A- Lot Boots. These boots are designed in such a way that no matter how quietly you tip-toe, you are sure to wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs ensure that you bump into every wall and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance System) explains the ringbarked shins.
The final add-in Bacchus saw fit to invest in for some scooters is TAS (Tobacco Absorption System). This explains how one person can apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a single night.
Monday, August 13, 2007
melodious trumpets and other classic overseas signs:
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER !IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOUR.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER !IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Friday, August 10, 2007
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