At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?"
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated loudly.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Edna
A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! It was the full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "Fuck me Edna, I didn't recognise you!"
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! It was the full package and since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital but, while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an ambulance and killed.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied: "Fuck me Edna, I didn't recognise you!"
Monday, January 28, 2008
Husband quotes
“There is only one real tragedy in a woman's life. The fact that her past is always her lover, and her future invariably her husband.”
Oscar Wilde
“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.”
Hoosier Farmer
“The only way a woman can ever reform her husband is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life”
Oscar Wilde
“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.”
Molly McGee
“When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.”
Franklin P. Jones
“My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.”
Anonymous
“'Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!' And if you were my wife, I would drink it!”
Lady Astor & W Churchill
Oscar Wilde
“Love is the thing that enables a woman to sing while she mops up the floor after her husband has walked across it in his barn boots.”
Hoosier Farmer
“The only way a woman can ever reform her husband is by boring him so completely that he loses all possible interest in life”
Oscar Wilde
“When a husband brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.”
Molly McGee
“When a wife has a good husband it is easily seen in her face.”
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
“All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day.”
Franklin P. Jones
“My husband said it was him or the cat... I miss him sometimes.”
Anonymous
“'Mr. Churchill, if you were my husband, I'd poison your tea!' And if you were my wife, I would drink it!”
Lady Astor & W Churchill
Sunday, January 27, 2008
wife quotes
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
----------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
----------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
----------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
----------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
----------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
----------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
----------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
----------------------------------------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
---------------------------------l-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
----------------------------------------------------------
A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle
----------------------------------------------------------
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
George Burns
----------------------------------------------------------
I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied, "In the lake."
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Phyllis Diller
----------------------------------------------------------
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
Henny Youngman
----------------------------------------------------------
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
----------------------------------------------------------
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
---------------------------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
---------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
----------------------------------------------------------
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
----------------------------------------------------------
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
----------------------------------------------------------
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
----------------------------------------------------------
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
----------------------------------------------------------
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same : "You can have mine."
---------------------------------------------------------
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.
"A billionaire." she replied,
----------------------------------------------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said," Dad! I've found a woman just like mother"
His father replied, "So what do you want? sympathy?"
--------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
----------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
----------------------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
---------------------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
----------------------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
---------------------------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
----------------------------------------------------------
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
---------------------------------------------------------
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father,
I can say anything I want to around the house. Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
----------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
----------------------------------------------------------
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,
"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."
---------------------------------------------------------
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.
----------------------------------------------------------
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
----------------------------------------------------------
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
---------------------------------l-------------------------
First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
world sauna championships
see the hottest competition in sport here (alas direct embedding from Youtube is disabled)
Friday, January 25, 2008
Two cows: Political systems explained
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
SOCIALISM: You have two cows. State takes one and give it to someone else.
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and gives you milk.
FASCISM: You have two cows. State takes both of them and sell you milk.
ANARCHISM: You have two cows. The cows decide you have no right to do anything with their milk and leave to form their own society.
LIBERTARIANISM: Go away. What I do with my cows is none of your business.
EUROPEAN FEDERALISM: You have two cows which you cannot afford to keep because of milk imported from a member state with cheaper labour. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough to carry on working them. You then sell your milk at the original high price to some government-owned distributor which then dumps your milk onto the market at the price that drove you to subsidies to make Europe competitive.
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