hold the Mayo

How the Times paywall really works

home-made Russian bungee jump

Grandma reads out 50 Cent's tweets

great toys of our time #3452 "Shave the baby"

From Top 10 most inappropriate gifts ever

Wikiwolling

Saturday, 12 December 1998, 16:13
S E C R E T SECTION 01 OF 02 LONDON 000368
NOFORN
SIPDIS
DOE FOR GPERSON, CHAYLOCK
EO 12958 DECL: 12/12/2018
TAGS EPET, ENRG, PGOV, RS">RS, NI
SUBJECT: ENGLAND: RELIABILITY AND LONGEVITY OF UK-US RELATIONSHIP CONFIRMED
REF: A. LONDON 365 B. LONDON 366
Classified By: Consul General Robbie Honerkamp for reasons 1.4 (B) and (D )

1. (S/NF) Summary: We're no strangers to love. You know the rules and so do I.
A full commitment's what I'm thinking of. You wouldn't get this from any other guy.
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling. Gotta make you understand.

2. (C/NF) Chorus: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

3. (S/NF) We've known each other for so long Your heart's been aching but You're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it
And if you ask me how I'm feeling Don't tell me you're too blind to see

4. (C/NF) Chorus: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

5. (C/NF) Chorus: Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

6. (C/NF) Background Singers: (Ooh, give you up) (Ooh, give you up) (Ooh) Never gonna give, never gonna give
(Give you up) (Ooh) Never gonna give, never gonna give (Give you up)

7. (S/NF) We've know each other for so long Your heart's been aching but You're too shy to say it
Inside we both know what's been going on We know the game and we're gonna play it
I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling Gotta make you understand

8. (C/NF) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

9. (C/NF) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

10. (C/NF) Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you. ASTLEY

post it note art

more here

Frank Kelly's 12 days of Christmas

For those struggling with the Irish accent, the full text is here

Gobnait O’Lúnasa

How to wrap a cat for Christmas

The assassination of Yogi Bear by the coward Boo Boo

What do retired people do all day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

things to say during sex

Who taught Kenny?

What if the largest countries in the world had the largest populations?

From Strange Maps

Inside a tiger shark's mouth

From National Geographic

Thylarctos plummetus, the Drop Bear

As found at the Australian Museum

Blame Dexter for this one, apparently

I did it Norway

Cruiser nestled in the fjords

How #FF is supposed to work

Find out how it actually works at The Oatmeal.

Gary Lineker shits himself during world cup game v Ireland in 1990

comic sans comic

Never mind the lion lying down with the lamb..

One of of 25 odd animal friendships here

Maggot up close and personal

One of 12 things you'll regret seeing close up under a microscope

How cutting down trees is starting to hurt

Leslie Nielsen 1926-2010

Died of pneumonia overnight

lucky I was 999,999th

Modern family conversation

photo by Ali Edwards

good dog, bad dog

What exactly do they get up to in Constance Bay?

One never knows when a homosexual is about

US anti-gay propaganda from the 1950s HT Crikey.com.au

Julia Gillard gets the anime treatment

As found here

In Catalunya voting is a pleasure

A full orchestra plays John Cage's 4' 33

(Four minutes and 33 seconds of silence performed by a full orchestra)

250 introductions

Diarrheas

WOMAN'S DIARY

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely.

I'd been shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him, thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud, so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk.

He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying,
I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
He hesitated but followed.

I asked him what was wrong, but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about ten minutes of silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply,
He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile.

He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and, to my surprise, we
made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit cold.

I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's found someone else.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY:

we lost the match.

Gutted.

Got a root though.

File under "Only in America"

Land going cheap

Cornell professor freaks out over student yawn

Aida on a floating stage at Lake Constance in Austria

Story here

Why the Herald-Sun tells twice as many papers in Melbourne as The Age

(HT @Bronwen)

A Life on Facebook

shoes reborn as faces

from a collection here

Engineer's optimism

Riccardo Patrese takes his unsuspecting wife for a test drive

Collection of outtakes from Star Trek (1960s version)

bummer of a night

From Damn You AutoCorrect

1800 year old Roman version of Swiss Army Knife

story at Wired

helping your child

Purpose

How smartphone users see each other

bikepooling

types of labs

Rally to restore sanity, Antarctic style

as found here

There aint no sanity rally

One of the hundred best signs at the Stewart/Colbert Washington rally to restore sanity

The spit-take

The spit-take - comedic reaction of disbelief from the comprehensive GIF glossary

An idea so scary it's mad

Paul the Octopus (2008-2010)

Black man loses everything but his knee in The Sun

via monocle pops off

Werner Herzog (maybe) reads Where's Waldo

bannockburn

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the famous golf course at St Andrews.

Suddenly, a groundskeeper shouts:
'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies:
'Excuse me, my good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'

The keeper replies:

'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

The Royals at Christmas

It was Christmas, and the Royal Family were playing 20 Questions. Camilla had to think of something and the family had to guess.

So Camilla thought of a black man's cock.

Prince Charles asked "Is it bigger than a breadbox"?

Yes, she said.

Princess Anne said "Is it something I can put in my mouth"?

Yes, she said.

The Queen said "Is it a black man's cock?"

patience, dear Ebeneezer

Piracy knows no bounds

Jedeye chart

umbilical cord iphone charger

The latest must have gadget from Japan

Capital punishment

Ungodly Japanese DVD player

Babies eating lemons

OMG explained

Adolf Knitler

The A'postroph'e S'ong

The madness of the Socratic method

In ancient Greece, Socrates (469 - 399 BCE) was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out Diogenes was shagging his wife.

They mispelled a word: Coffee

Hayman Island

FC Stjarnan's latest goal celebration

"The human toilet"

counterfactual

In a blog thread I was reading where people discussed various "what if" moments of history theorising what might have turned out differently, my favourite addition to the thread was this:

Alistair Cooke in one of his Letters from America recalled the story of a commentator, I think Edgar Snow, who during an interview asked Chairman Mao what would have happened if, in 1963, Mr Khrushchev had been assassinated rather than President Kennedy. Mao, after thinking it over, replied “Of one thing only can we be certain: Mr Onassis would not have married Mrs Khrushchev.”

Great White Sharks

Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip
of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing."

And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?

His wise father replied,

"Because they taste better without the shit inside."

Poland, that's so GAY

Original at Hipster Hitler

This years top 10 Edinburgh Fringe Festival jokes

The top 10 festival funnies were judged to be:

1) Tim Vine "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again."

2) David Gibson "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone."

3) Emo Philips "I picked up a hitch hiker. You've got to when you hit them."

4) Jack Whitehall "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid."

5) Gary Delaney "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

6) John Bishop "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day."

7) Bo Burnham "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names."

8) Gary Delaney "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted."

9) Robert White "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: Empty."

10) Gareth Richards "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food. Or, if you can't be bothered with that, just write a number on one and walk into a pub…"

Cat parkour

four minutes of Ricky Gervais laughing

Fire tornado

As seen in Brazil

1990 v 2010

Irish panic station