A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of petrol and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the barn.
The Hindu says, 'I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn.' So, he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, 'There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow.'
So, the Rabbi says, 'I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn.' A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.
So, the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door.
It's the pig and the cow...
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Friday, September 19, 2008
The rabbi and the priest
A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Monday, September 15, 2008
Sarah Palin shoots My Little Pony: the best of last week's late night jokes
as collected by Daniel Kurtzman
"They're selling Sarah Palin action figures online. I don't know where they get the outfits for these, but she looks like the sluttiest librarian of all time. Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today -- a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno
"Federal investigators said that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." –Jay Leno
"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman
"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right. … Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno
"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama is going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno
"I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman
"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno
"Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'" --Conan O'Brien
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." --Bill Maher
"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." --Bill Maher
"New Rule: Republicans must stop saying Obama is an elitist and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it---you're not voting for him because he's smarter than you." --Bill Maher
"They're selling Sarah Palin action figures online. I don't know where they get the outfits for these, but she looks like the sluttiest librarian of all time. Sad incident at Toys 'R' Us today -- a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, it's a very strange political campaign. I mean, out on the campaign trail, John McCain and Sarah Palin are talking about how they stood up to the Republican party. They fought the Republican establishment. And they battled Republicans. Their message: vote Republican." --Jay Leno
"Federal investigators said that members of the Bush administration who were in charge of overseeing billions of dollars in oil royalties received gifts and had illicit sex with oil company employees. They actually had sex with oil company employees. You know, when the Republicans said 'drill everywhere,' I had no idea." –Jay Leno
"Because of Sarah Palin, people are now asking the question: Is she ready to be president? If, God forbid, something happens to John McCain is Sarah Palin ready to be president? I don't think we need to worry about that, because Bush has lowered the bar so tremendously." --David Letterman
"The campaign is coming down to one very important issue: putting makeup on farm animals. That seems to be where we're at. Oh, this is so stupid. Did you hear about this? Yesterday, Barack Obama attacked John McCain's policies, implying it's more of the same by saying ... you can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig. To which Bill Clinton said, 'You know, I've tried that, and you're right. … Well, now McCain is demanding an apology. Do you believe that? Two senators arguing over lipstick, and neither one of them is Larry Craig." --Jay Leno
"Of course, now everyone's digging into Sarah Palin's past. There's an old picture of Sarah Palin circulating on the internet right now, and she's wearing a t-shirt that says, 'I may be broke, but I'm not flat-busted.' Yeah, John McCain was upset when he heard this and asked, 'What's the internet?'" --Conan O'Brien
"The Wall Street Journal said today Democrats are sending an army of lawyers and investigators up to Alaska to look into the background of Sarah Palin. And of course, John McCain is furious. He said, 'Hey, if I didn't look into her background, there's no reason you should be looking into her background.'" --Jay Leno
"Experts say -- this is interesting -- that since Sarah Palin became the vice presidential nominee, there's been an actual spike in the sales of her style of eyeglasses. Gone way up. Yeah. Yeah, with Palin's glasses, you'll be able to see everything, except what the hell your teenage daughter's up to." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama is going to have lunch with Bill Clinton this week to discuss Democratic strategy. They're going to get together and talk. You know, they haven't been that friendly up to this point. Of course, it's tough agreeing on a restaurant, because the two men are both so different. Finally, they settled on a 'Hooters' that serves arugula." --Jay Leno
"Dick Cheney told reporters this week, there's no reason why Sarah Palin cannot be a successful vice president in the McCain administration. In fact, not only can she shoot a lawyer in the face, she can field dress him as well." --Jay Leno
"I kind of like that Sarah Palin. You know, she reminds me, she looks like the flight attendant who won't give you a second can of Pepsi. No, you've had enough. We're landing. Looks like the waitress at the coffee shop who draws a little smiley face on your check. Have a nice day." --David Letterman
"And the big guns are out. The Democrats have sent Hillary to Florida to go after Sarah Palin. So, that makes two Clintons trying to nail her now." --Jay Leno
"Oprah Winfrey's in the middle of a big scandal, because she is refusing to have Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin on her show. The friction started because Palin said if she's elected, she'll be the most powerful woman in the country. And Oprah said, 'The hell you will!'" --Conan O'Brien
"McCain was introduced at the convention last night by his wife -- I won't say 'trophy wife' -- but she did $300,000 worth of clothes and jewelry on, no matter to the party of the little guy. But Cindy McCain talked about how his character, honor and integrity made him the exact kind of married man she was looking to pick up at a bar." --Bill Maher
"Bush didn't make the convention because the hurricane, Gustav, hit New Orleans, but actually didn't. Bush was at the Hurricane Command Center, taking credit for a perfect emergency response to a perfect non-emergency. Although he actually did cause some panic, because viewers at home saw him sitting there, doing nothing, and they thought maybe it was another terrorist attack." --Bill Maher
"New Rule: Republicans must stop saying Obama is an elitist and just admit you don't like him because of something he can't help, something that's a result of the way he was born. Admit it---you're not voting for him because he's smarter than you." --Bill Maher
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Whiskey fruit cake recipe
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whiskey again and go to bed.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
collide-a-scope
With the world due to end this afternoon at 5pm (AEST) when the atom-smashing Large Hadron Collider kicks into gear in Switzerland, it is only fit and proper that this final post is anything but fit and proper. As well as blaming CERN, we should also blame the New York Times who thought today's Armageddon was being caused by the "large hardon collider".
A typo which caused Busycowboy to helpfully lay out the diagramatic consequences of our tumescent demise:
A typo which caused Busycowboy to helpfully lay out the diagramatic consequences of our tumescent demise:
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Cultured pooch
A man took his dog to the cinema to see War and Peace. The dog sat beside him and the audience was amazed to see the dog and his reactions to the film. When the heroine was facing dire straits the dog would howl and when things were going well he'd bark and wag his tail.
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!" The man replied: “I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."
After the film ended a woman came up to the dog's owner and said: "Wow, your dog's reactions were amazing!" The man replied: “I know, I'm really surprised. He hated the book."
Thursday, September 4, 2008
The Mighty Peking Man
thanks to "Why, That's Delightful!" I found this hilarious trailer of Hong Kong flick The Mighty Peking Man. It's got the lot....violence, "fierce tigers", leopards fighting with snakes, fire engines, exploding airplanes, gratuitous soft porn and Mighty Peking man himself, a cheap King Kong/Godzilla clone "wreaking havoc in busy centres"...enjoy!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Jim
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
-----
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Jim
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34 , and we have been married for twelve years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Anne
-----
Dear Anne:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Jim
Monday, September 1, 2008
Ideas for lighting the Olympic flame in London 2012
Eric Bristow throws a flaming dart through the torch, while nursing a pint of bitter in his free hand.
Flame is lit by a baker from Pudding Lane
Flame is kindled by setting alight Arthur Scargill’s toupee, and having it flung to the cauldron by Margaret Thatcher.
Flame cauldron is torpedoed by The Conqueror, to cries of “Gotcha”
Steve Davis performs the greatest trick shot of all time, potting a flaming pink ball into the cauldron.
Cauldron is bombed by the Germans while the crowd huddles in underground stations singing “White Cliffs of Dover”
Flame is lit by a baker from Pudding Lane
Flame is kindled by setting alight Arthur Scargill’s toupee, and having it flung to the cauldron by Margaret Thatcher.
Flame cauldron is torpedoed by The Conqueror, to cries of “Gotcha”
Steve Davis performs the greatest trick shot of all time, potting a flaming pink ball into the cauldron.
Cauldron is bombed by the Germans while the crowd huddles in underground stations singing “White Cliffs of Dover”
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