worst sick day excuses

I’m too drunk to drive to work.
I accidentally flushed my keys down the toilet.
I had to help deliver a baby on my way to work.
I accidentally drove through the automatic garage door before it opened.
My boyfriend’s snake got loose and I’m afraid to leave the bedroom until he gets home.
I’m too fat to get into my work pants.
God didn’t wake me.
I cut my fingernails too short, they’re bleeding and I have to go to the doctor.
The ghosts in my house kept me up all night.
I forgot I was getting married today.
My cow bit me.
My son accidentally fell asleep next to wet cement in our backyard. His foot fell in and we can’t get it out
I was watching a guy fixing a septic pump, fell in the hole and hurt myself
I was walking my dog and slipped on a toad in my driveway and hurt my back.
My house lock jammed and I'm locked in.
theres a rat out the back garden and my Mum is going mad, i need to stay at home and try to kill it
too windy. couldn't open my front door.
Fred Phelps is protesting outside my house and I can't get outta the driveway
I just realized I am supposed to be at work but I'm drunk.