There was Slugger O'Toole who was drunk as a rule

definitely in my all time favourite 10 songs:

The Pogues and the Dubliners "The Irish Rover"



On the Fourth of July, 1806
We set sail from the sweet cove of Cork
We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks
For the Grand City Hall in New York

Hollywood squares answers

-According to Movie Life Magazine, Ann Margaret would like to start having babies, soon, but her husband wants her to wait awhile. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: He's out of town.

-What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?
PAUL LYNDE: They give milk...and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

-Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
PAUL LYNDE: Who told you about my elephant?

-When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
CHARLEY WEAVER: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

-Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
CHARLEY WEAVER: His feet.

-Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
PAUL LYNNE: An engagement ring.

-According to Robert Mitchum, one thing has ruined more actors than drinking. What?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Not drinking.

-True or false: Some African Watusi tribesmen greet guests by running toward
them at full speed, then high-jumping over them.
CHARLEY WEAVER: This is sometimes terribly embarrassing to tall guests.

-You're on your first visit to Japan, and you head right for the Kabuki. Why?
PAUL LYNDE: It was a long plane ride.

-If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
CHARLEY WEAVER: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

-Do female frogs croak?
PAUL LYNDE: If you hold their little heads under water.

-You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
DON KNOTTS: That's what's been keeping me awake.

-True or false: Many people sleep better in their street clothes than they do in their pajamas.
PAUL LYNDE: Yes. We call them winos.

-According to psychologists, when a child begins to get curious about sex, what is the one question he will most ask his mommy and daddy?
PAUL LYNDE: Where can I get some?

-Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
JOAN RIVERS: Yes. It's daddy's turn.

-Question: In what state was Abraham Lincoln born?
PAUL LYNDE: Naked and screaming like the rest of us.

Suggestions for dealing with telemarketers

** Turn on the TV. Change the channel to one that only gets static. Turn the volume up really loud. Say that you can't hear them over the static.

** Make up your own language. Speak it.

** Say, "This phone line is for emergency use only. Do you have an emergency?"

** Order a large pepperoni pizza, some garlic bread, and a meatball sub.

** Dial the phone and say, "Hey! I lent you 50 bucks. You better pay up or else I'm gonna come over there and hurt you! "

** Repeatedly dial the phone. Mutter that it isn't ringing.

** Say, "Moe's tavern Moe speaking."

** Ask him/her if he/she would like a magazine or newspaper subscription.

** Communicate only through Morse code.

** Try to sell the telemarketer something.

** Ask him/her if he/she can smell bacon. Insist that there is a strong scent of bacon over the phone.

** Pretend to be an escaped mental patient. Mutter things like, "They'll never catch me again," "No! Not the jacket! No, no, no!" After saying one of these mutter incoherently.

** Make him/her dance for a sale. Claim that you won't buy because you couldn't see him/her dance.

** Make him/her sing to get a sale.

** Pretend to be really interested. Then say, "No."

** Engage him/her in an "intellectual" conversation on an extremely boring subject.

** Say nothing until he/she hangs up.

** Say, "I told you. I don't know where your dog is!" Then hang up.

** After he/she hangs up, use Caller ID to get the phone number. Call the telemarketer.

** Ask the telemarketer for his/her home phone number. Claim that you need some time to think, and that you'll get back to them.

History today: that's you, that is

Newman & Baddiel spotted at Sills Bend

reasons not to exercise

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog, you add one minute to your life. This enables you, at age 85, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 per month.

My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She is now 97 and we don't know where the heck she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about $400. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I am doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog - it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Signs

** On a Plumbers truck : "We repair what your husband fixed."

** On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

** Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

** At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

** Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

** At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

** On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

** In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

** On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

** At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

** On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

** In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

** On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

** At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

** Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

** In a veterinarian's waiting room : "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

** At the electric company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

** In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

** In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait

Kids' useful instructions on life

"Wear a hat when feeding seagulls."
- Rocky, age 9

"Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning."
- Stephanie, age 8

"Don't flush the john when your dad's in the shower."
- Lamar, age 10

"Never ask for anything that costs more than $5 when your parents are doing taxes."
- Carrol, age 9

"Never bug a pregnant mom."
- Nicholas, age 11

"Don't ever be too full for dessert."
- Kelly, age 10

"When your dad is mad and asks you, 'Do I look stupid?' don't answer him."
- Heather, age 16

"Never tell your mom her diet's not working."
- Michael, age 14

"Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat."
- Joel, age 12

"When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone."
- Alyesha, age 13

"Never try to baptize a cat."
- Laura, age 13

"Never spit when on a roller coaster."
- Scott, age 11

"Never do pranks at a police station."
- Sam, age 10

"Beware of cafeteria food when it looks like it's moving."
- Rob, age 10

"Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do."
- Hank, age 12

"Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand."
- Molly, age 11

"Listen to your brain. It has lots of information."
- Chelsey, age 7

"Stay away from prunes."
- Randy, age 9

"Never dare your little brother to paint the family car."
- Phillip, age 13

"Forget the cake, go for the icing."
- Cynthia, age 8

"Remember the two places you are always welcome - church and Grandma's house."
- Joanne, age 11

"When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents."
- Matthew, age 12