He attacked everything in life with a mix of extraordinary genius and naive incompetence, and it was often difficult to tell which was which.
He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.
It is a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes.
It is no coincidence that in no known language does the phrase 'As pretty as an Airport' appear.
Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.
You live and learn. At any rate, you live.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
The last time anybody made a list of the top hundred character attributes of New Yorkers, common sense snuck in at number 79.
He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.
Nothing travels faster than the speed of light with the possible exception of bad news, which obeys its own special laws.
Ah, this is obviously some strange usage of the word 'safe' that I wasn't previously aware of.
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
Possibly Confucius Sayings
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man gives wife upright organ.
Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who make love to girl on hill, well, he not on level.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.
He who go to sleep with itchy arse wakes up with stinky fingers.
Learn to Masturbate, Come in handy.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion.
No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.
Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Man who keep feet firmly on the ground have trouble putting on pants.
Man who run behind car get exhausted. Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man with one chopstick go hungry
Man who fights wife all day gets no piece at night.
Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Man who eat crackers in bed wake up feeling crummy.
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man gives wife upright organ.
Man who sleep in bed of nails is holy.
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
Man who make love to girl on hill, well, he not on level.
Man who sit on tack get point.
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change.
He who go to sleep with itchy arse wakes up with stinky fingers.
Learn to Masturbate, Come in handy.
Man who go to bed with hard problem wake up with solution in hand.
Squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
He who kisses woman's ass get crack in jaw.
Woman who spend much time on bedspring may get offspring.
Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.
Man who put cream in tart not always baker.
Crowded elevator always smell different to midget.
Woman who slides down banister makes monkey shine.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Condom should be used on every conceivable occasion.
No difference between man and mouse - both end in pussy.
Bird in hand makes hard to blow nose
Woman who cook carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
He who let woman on top is fucking up.
He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.
Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be shiftless bastard.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
can of worms
A creative Irish priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. So at the start of his sermon, he placed four worms into four separate jars. He put the first worm into a container of alcohol. He put the second worm into a container of cigarette smoke. He put the third into a container of chocolate syrup. And the fourth worm he placed in a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead, too.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the gratified priest turned around and dared his congregration. "What can you all learn from this demonstration?" he thundered.
A timid voice up the back shouts: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead, too.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the gratified priest turned around and dared his congregration. "What can you all learn from this demonstration?" he thundered.
A timid voice up the back shouts: "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Marcel Marceau jokes leave me speechless
Marcel Marceau died on the weekend aged 84. Archivists are looking through his old diaries to find out what his last words were.
Perhaps it was this. The only speaking part in Mel Brooks's Silent Movie (1976):
Meanwhile see some amusing Marceau cartoons here at There Aint No Sanity Clause
Perhaps it was this. The only speaking part in Mel Brooks's Silent Movie (1976):
Meanwhile see some amusing Marceau cartoons here at There Aint No Sanity Clause
Monday, September 24, 2007
cockroach reproach
Two cockroaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one discusses a new restaurant.
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."
"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
Sunday, September 23, 2007
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