You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
From the poop deck
the ultimate guide to faeces thanks to the Uncyclopedia Guide to Shit.Gay shit- the type of shit that cums out when 2 gay guys are doing it.(this causes extreme discomfort)(it is also a cross between king kong, ring of fire, and dry poop)
Shart- Half way between a fart and a shit. Can cause some problems in your undergarments.
Shat- Past tense of shit, "Hey man, you know that quarter I swallowed? Well I just shat it out!"
Ghost Poop- You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop- Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Rabbit Droppings- When you finally get the turd moving it comes out extremely fast in small pellets that make your anus feel like a machine gun. On rare occasions these small pellets will come out uber slow and you will spend a good half hour getting just three pellets pushed out.
Hershey Squirts- slang for diarrhea
Second Thought Poop- You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop- This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis and Catherine the Great. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop- You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop (a.k.a. The Prairie Dog)- You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
Horny Poop- This kind of poop is accompanied by a big hard erection.Doesn't come down even if you think about shit,just makes it harder.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop- This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Sopping Coin Crack Poop- This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your Ass-a-drippen'.
Wish Poop- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Holiday Poop (a.k.a Relaxed Poop)- The kind of poop where you can take hours, without worrying about anything and think about all beautiful things in the world and relax your butt muscles.
Book Worm Poop- The kind of poop which takes shit long and you end up finishing a novel.Its a relative of Holiday poop.
Cement Block or Oh God Poop- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop- This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)- Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers)- You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle- The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop- The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop- The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
Great Balls of Fire- When you have "The Ring of Fire Poop" and you wipe back to front.
Gone in 60 seconds Poop- The kind of poop that happens so fast you don't realize what happened and you wonder whether the poop in the toilet is yours.
The Fast & The Furious Poop- A very close relative of Gone in 60 seconds Poop but this time you realize what has happened because your butthole is burning and is overstretched. Warning- This could be very dangerous due to very high speed and nitro-boost.
The Crippler- The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang- The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop- The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop- The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper- The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
Dirty Bowl Poop- The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Smearing Poop- A turd that's just barely able to fit through the drain and leaves marks at the bottom of the bowl as it slides slowly down.
Sausage Poop- long, slightly squishy, and liable to float. Generally regarded as a cross between a smearing poop, a dry dump and the party pooper.
The Windy City Poop- When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh fuck... Poop- You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper.
The Never Ending Poop- It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
Mr Whippy - Poo that resembles a McDonald's soft serve.
Mr Whippy with sprinkles - Poo that resemberls a McDonals soft serve with chunky bits or "sprinkles"...
After-Grog-Bog (AGB) - The poo you take after a night of drink. AGB's are generally offensively loud and disgustingly sloppy. Try not to drop an AGB with any of your friends nearby - especially if they have video recorders. AGB can vary in colour depending on what you drink. For example, if you drink a lot of black sambuca you're AGB will be fluro or olive green.
Fire-hydrant - It's like a fire hose shooting brown, sometimes chunky water.
Dry Dump - A poo that is really hard to squeeze out because it's really dry. Drink plenty of water to avoid putting yourself through the pain of taking a dry dump.
Cannonpoop - A combination of poop and fart. The poop lies on the end of the barrel (anus) blocking the way. Behind it is a giant fart wanting to come out. After a series of stomachache (the pressure keeps building) you will blast out the poop so hard it will most likely literally blow the shit out of your toilet.
The Mothershit - A turd so big that it can barely fit in the toilet.
Super Shit Fountain of Ticklishness - Diarrhea that gives you an orgasm. usually happens once or more. may cause extreme messiness and may force laughter. not for use with Goths.
Havana Omelette - Brownish-Yellow diarrhea with some unprocessed food particles in it. Usually known to come out with a big splash. Once settled, this abomination floats on the top of the water resembling an omelette while it fries in the pan.
Rice Water - Watery diarrhea with bits of white shit in it.
High Quality Shit - Doesn't stink.
Horohoro Shit - This variation of diarrhea gives you chills so bad, you'd swear you were frozen.
Youtube Poop - When There's Smoke, They Pinch Back.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
emergency services
Seventy year old Martha woke her seventy-five year old husband George from his nap on the sofa.
"There is a truck backed up to your shop and thieves are loading up your tools," she told him in a frightened voice.
He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police.
The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there.
He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back.
"This is the fellow that just called about the thieves stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them."
Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burglars were caught red-handed.
"What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them."
"Yeah, and I was informed that nobody was available," Old George replied.
"There is a truck backed up to your shop and thieves are loading up your tools," she told him in a frightened voice.
He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police.
The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there.
He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back.
"This is the fellow that just called about the thieves stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them."
Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burglars were caught red-handed.
"What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them."
"Yeah, and I was informed that nobody was available," Old George replied.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
star sign of the times
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.
Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.
Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.
Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
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