Deaf Karaoke

Meeting the wizard

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to Oz. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

Wonders never cease

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice
"Play a jazz chord! play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E-minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B-flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise. The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord".

Well and truly peeved that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart ass, You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing...

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Why not not eat pigs together?

Tim Minchin - Peace anthem for Palestine

Late-Night Jokes About the Iraqi Election

"The turnout for the election was higher than expected with 60 percent of Iraqis casting a vote. President Bush said don't worry -- once their democracy is as sophisticated as ours that number should drop to 40 percent." --Conan O'Brien

"President Bush said he was very happy with the results of the election. He was even more pleased that Proposition 26 legalising gay marriage in Mosul was defeated." --Jay Leno

"Voter turnout was lowest among Iraq's Sunni minority. Saddam Hussein was Sunni and many in the group resent the loss of power. They feel alienated by the current political climate and are unwilling to accept the election results, and may react with violence. They're just like Democrats, except they might actually do something." –Jon Stewart

"A quick reminder for all Iraqis watching -- the crooked voting machines are due back to Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Iraq's interim president says that thousands of Iraqis couldn't vote because they ran out of ballots. Things are so bad that they have declared a state of Ohio." --Craig Ferguson

"They did not release the names of the candidates until two days before the election. To protect the candidates they didn't even tell you who was running until two days before the election. Why can't we do that here?" --Jay Leno

"The election was such a success, today Dick Cheney said, 'We're so close to that oil, I can taste it.'" --Jay Leno

"Lord knows we're all pleased that they're holding up their ink-stained index fingers to the cameras, and not the other finger that they could certainly hold up, given the fact that they still don't have electricity." --Jon Stewart, on Iraqi voters

"Yesterday, of course, was election day in Iraq, and out of force of habit, John Kerry gave a concession speech." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi politicians are telling voters that if they don't vote for them they will go to Hell. Imagine using religion to try and get votes. Thank God our people would not do that." --Jay Leno

"Iraqis are voting in U.S. cities like Washington DC and Detroit. The amazing thing is there is more gunfire in those cities then in Fallujah and Baghdad." --Jay Leno

"Iraqi officials are worried about the upcoming election. They think it could lead to a civil war. At this point wouldn't a civil war be an improvement?" --Craig Ferguson

"President Bush admitted that there are four areas of Iraq where it will be very difficult for people to vote: The east, the west, the north, and the south." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said, and this is the actual quote, 'The election will go ahead as scheduled, it doesn't matter if nobody votes -- the important thing is to say you held an election.' Worked in Florida." --Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has released yet another audiotape saying that any Iraqi voting in the January election will be considered an infidel and will be punished by God, and he also urged people not to waste their vote on Ralph Nader." --Jay Leno

"And now you know what is next -- the big Iraqi election. You can feel the excitement for the election here in New York. All the cabbies have their Allawi bumpie stickers. Prime Minister Allawi is not that popular in Iraq but the public loves the Allawi twins -- Courtney and Zabiba." --David Letterman

"You know election day in Iraq is only two weeks away. In preparation we are sealing Iraq's borders. We can't even seal California's borders so how does that work?" --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced today that he will go to Iraq next month. I guess he heard they are having presidential elections." --Jay Leno

"President Bush is adamant that the elections in Iraq will take place on schedule on January 30, if we postpone them then you get in conflict with the Golden Globes, the Oscars and then the Peoples Choice Awards." --Jay Leno

Interpretations

Two Irishmen were sitting a pub having a beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." A few minutes later, they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."

lewd limericks

(size isn't everything)
There once was a man from Ghent
Who had a penis so long it bent
It was so much trouble
That he kept it double
And instead of coming he went.

(the miser)
There once was a man called Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave
He said "I admit
I'm a bit of a shit
But think of the money I save".

(problem child)
There was a lady who triplets begat
their names be Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun breeding
But trouble feeding
Cause she didn't have a tit for Tat.

(motoring accident)
There was a young student from Boston,
Who drove around in an Austen.
There was room for his ass
and a gallon of gas.
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.

(Kennedy Limerick)
There once was a Senator from Mass
who was searchin around for a lass;
He lucked out and found it;
He fucked up and drowned it.
And that was the end of HIS ass!

(fatherly advice)
There was a young fellow named perkin
Who was always jerkin his gherkin
His papa said perkin
Stop jerkin your gherkin
Your gherkins fer ferkin not jerkin

(who's in charge)
A pansy who lived in Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room,
And they argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.

(moby dick)
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin
As he wiped off his chin,
"If my ear were a cunt I would fuck it!"