Saturday, February 28, 2009

Be a Freud, be very a Freud

Question: What’s the definition of a Freudian slip?

Answer: Someone who says one thing and means a mother

Friday, February 27, 2009

crisis, what crisis?

Just realised I've never included a Dilbert cartoon here before. Fixed.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Apple a daydream

Thanks to the Onion News Network, the latest and not-so-greatest from Apple, the "Macbook Wheel".

The definition of disappointment

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

pardon me

A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender, "What's that all about?"

The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said, "Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish."

"Okay," said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said, "You have one wish."

The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar with a million ducks all around him.

The guy was astounded and said to the bartender, "Hey! I didn't want a million ducks." The bartender replied, "Do you think I wanted a twelve-inch Pianist?"

Monday, February 23, 2009

Global Fried Chicken joke

Whats the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?

The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

Note: I am indebted to Andrew Bartlett for the title and his take on the GFC acronym.

Stripe tease

cartoon courtesy of the New Yorker

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Invisible Octopus

HT The Inquisitr

More updates from Best Tweets

Last three days collection of amusing Twitter updates from BstTwt

1. ❥ @jdickerson Quick! Daughter & I need an excuse for this mess we just made in the kitchen.Gravity?Defect in powdered sugar bag?Toxic loans?... about 1 hour ago from web

2. ❥ @MISSY_BOO EATN SUM CERAL about 1 hour ago from web

3. ❥ @obxlaw Somehow replying to your 3+ hour old tweet marginalizes my razor sharp banter. about 1 hour ago from web

4. ❥ @_loveclaire If I could do one thing right now it would be something I'm not doing right now. about 13 hours ago from web

5. ❥ @leftbrainstupid I called home during lunch & my wife handed phone to our 19 month old daughter. It was so cute the way she hung up on me... about 23 hours ago from web

6. ❥ @joeschmitt Turns out it really was oregano. Related: These brownies are awful. about 23 hours ago from web

7. ❥ @giromide Really, Bono? MySpace? Really? That's like Moses presenting the Ten Commandments on two cocktail napkins. about 24 hours ago from web

8. ❥ @awryone I now know why they say, "bouncing baby boy/girl." My wife's belly reiterates that we're about to parent a basketball. about 24 hours ago from web

9. ❥ @girlmonkey It may be something in this jazzy piano loop, but I'm starting to doubt my call will be answered by the next available agent.... 9:40 AM today from web

10. ❥ @trelvix I think Twitter needs to sleep in the garage tonight. 8:30 PM yesterday from web

11. ❥ @redrabbit Who needs friends when you have people who know just enough about you to think you're alright! 7:48 PM yesterday from web

12. ❥ @nick [This message is only available to Twitter Gold members. Buy your Gold account today!] 7:44 PM yesterday from web

13. ❥ @sween Zip zip zip zip zip=walking in corduroy. Zipzipzipzipzip= running in corduroy. Zipzipnomnomzipzipnomnom=bear eating you in corduroy... 6:42 AM yesterday from web

14. ❥ @badbanana I'm okay with subsidizing other peoples' mortgages if I can crash on their couches every now and then. 6:27 AM yesterday from web

15. ❥ @obxlaw The way people drive around here,when I see a dog's head sticking out of the driver's window, I'm really hoping the dog is driving... 1:06 PM Feb 19th from web

16. ❥ @badbanana This item is the Hugo Chavez of my to-do list. It's not leaving anytime soon. 12:25 PM Feb 19th from web

17. ❥ @joeschmidt If it takes 10,000 hours to be considered an expert at something then I could give keynote speeches on watching Windows reboot... 12:21 PM Feb 19th from web

18. ❥ @MinorOasis Wishing there was a "your child is the cause of my serious drinking problem" comment option on these report cards. 7:17 AM Feb 19th from web

19. ❥ @crispycracka Me: I'm leaving for work. Him: You look nice today. Me: Your eyes aren't even open.. Did you just auto-respond me?! Him: zzz... 7:07 AM Feb 19th from web

20. ❥ @jkottke How many innocent blogs have died so that Twitter may live? 7:03 AM Feb 19th from web

you, my dear, are fractally wrong

HT Balneus

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Put your baby to work

Why bother cleaning the floor, when your baby can do it for you?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Ingham footware

With all the floods occurring in North Queensland, here's an ideal opportunity to showcase the new "Ingham Footware".

Friday, February 13, 2009

quickie

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gave her one

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Obushma

How the American presidency got a makeover

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Monday, February 9, 2009

meme machine

a collection of the worst 25 entries in that Facebook meme doing the rounds 25 Things I Didn't Want to Know about You

1. I eat tacos with a fork.
2. I was fat in middle school. The wake of that horror has yet to subside.
3. I keep forgetting that Barack Obama is our President.
4. I have been pooped on by a monkey.
5. I am addicted to the ass-slap dance move. Sometimes I don't even notice I'm doing it.
6. When I finally told my now fiancé that I liked him (as in, liked him liked him), I drunkenly gave him the Anchorman line, "I want to be on you." He had only seen the movie once and had no idea what it was from.
7. Just because I realize that Asian women are smarter, more attractive, and have about themselves a generally superior level of class does not mean I have a fetish. Just that I'm racist.
8. I eat gummy bears by tearing them limb from limb and eating their heads last.
9. I can't grow hair on my arms.
10. Two of my best friends are under five feet tall and I have an intense fear of midgets.
11. I think yoga is incredibly spiritual. I know the Lord is with me in my downward dog.
12. I was born with jaundice.
13. I was born pigeon-toed.
14. I was born with an extra kidney. I wish I could have sold it on the black market and made some money, but it was underdeveloped and did nothing but cause me to wet the bed until the third grade.
15. I like to tape my thumbs to my hands to see what it would be like to be a dinosaur.
16. A horse once fell over while I was riding it.
17. I don't believe in democracy.
18. I cried when Spock died in Star Trek II.
19. I drink two glasses of wine every night before bed. Wait, did I just admit to alcoholism?
20. If you asked me to tell you my favorite movie, I would have a hard time not saying Titanic.
21. I once sent a teacher into early retirement by pretending to be a cheetah and swiping at her from under a desk.
22. I once ran into New Kids On the Block's Joey McIntyre in the lobby of an off-Broadway show. I told him he was the first boy I ever loved. He laughed and kind of smiled. This was the most gratifying moment of my life.
23. My friends say that when they shave my back, I purr like a walrus.
24. I don't understand what people see in the Godfather trilogy.
25. Sometimes I think pee smells like Cheerios.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

just the facts, ma'am

this list has been doing the rounds for a while (and I suspect may not be entirely accurate) but has its amusing moments nonetheless

Absolute Proof That the World Is Nuts

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense..)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind'!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.

(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~* ~*~*~*~*


In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is that a great country or what? Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for this stuff?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of???)
(Did the government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.


(And I thought I had bad Breath in the morning! )

Saturday, February 7, 2009

beer belt

The ideal present for the serious drinker in your life

Friday, February 6, 2009

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Lava St


a sample of the sensational street art of Edgar Mueller

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

horizontal folk dancing

Saudi couple, Ahmed and Leyla, preparing for their wedding, meet with their Mullah for counselling.

The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."

"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."

"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.

"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.

"Because that could lead to dancing!"

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

New Media dictionary

As compiled by Charlie Brooker at The Guardian, a bit British oriented but still useful.

abbaration (abba-rayshun) n. Inexplicably successful West End musical based on the back catalogue of any once-popular pop act in the vein of Mamma Mia; eg: "I see Dancing On the Ceiling's opened at the Lyceum. Think it's some sort of Lionel Richie abbaration."

auntiepathy (auntee-pathee) n. Ingrained tabloid hostility towards the BBC (or the ABC, if you're Australian)

broverkill (bro-verr-kill) n. To be almost, but not quite, as bored of listening to people talk about how they don't watch Big Brother as by the continued existence of the programme itself.

chudge (chudj) n. An underqualified judge on an underwhelming TV talent contest.

commentally ill (com-mental-ly-ill) adj. To believe that airing one's views in either a newspaper column or the Have Your Say section accompanying the online version of said newspaper column is a meaningful activity.

craptitude test (krap-ti-chewed tessed) n. A televised talent contest with a panel of chudges (qv).

crotchdog (krotch-dog) n. Dismal paparazzo whose career consists of lying in the gutter desperately pointing his camera up the skirts of celebrities exiting limousines.

dwindlethink (dwin-dull-think) vb. The process by which a member of the public forms an opinion on a subject of national importance after viewing a plebbledashed (qv) news report, then finds themselves passing it on to the nation when stopped in the street for another plebbledashed (qv) report the following day.

funography (phun-oh-grafee) n. Television programme which gleefully revels in its own hideousness. Also funographic (adj); eg: "Last night's I'm a Celebrity was so funographic I chortled all the shame cells out of my body."

i-witness (eyewitness) n. Any internet messageboard user quoted in a newspaper article in a bid to pad out a weak story; eg: "Leona Lewis fans were furious last night after the star pulled out of a charity gig at the last minute. An i-witness raged: 'We'd queued in the rain for hours . . . Now when I look at my copy of Spirit it makes me want to puke.'"

inspector Google (inspector googol) n. Allegedly "investigative" reporter who relies solely on the internet.

mock examination (mokk-eggs-ammy-na-shun) n. Close-up zoom-lens photograph of vaguely out-of-shape holidaying celebrity accompanied by disdainful copy pouring unwarranted scorn on their physical failings.

mousemob (mows-mob) n. Gathering of indignant reality TV viewers on an internet messageboard hellbent on petitioning Ofcom (the broadcasting authority) over some illusory injustice perpetrated by their favourite programme; eg: "Within minutes of Jeremy Edwards being kicked off Dancing On Ice there was a 500-strong mousemob screaming 'Fix!' on Digital Spy."

nowtrage (nowt-rage) n. Lame and unconvincing tabloid outrage designed to create a self-perpetuating storm of controversy. Also, nowtrageous (adj); eg: "This Jonathan Ross pensioner sex-joke story in the News of the World is embarrassingly nowtrageous."

phwoared escort (fword-ess-court) n. Down-on-her-luck vice girl unwittingly captured topless on a hidden camera by an undercover tabloid reporter in order to illustrate a prurient article gleefully belittling her desperately unhappy circumstances.

piersonality (peers-on-allitee) n. Self-consciously odious celebrity who trades on their own widely accepted repugnance to infuriatingly lucrative effect, thereby creating an unassailable feedback loop of violent loathing in absolutely everyone other than themselves; eg: Piers Morgan.

plebbledash (plebbul-dash) n. To bulk up a television news report with needless vox-pop soundbites from ill-informed members of the public.

PR-reviewed phindings (peeyarr-rev-yood-fyne-dings) n. Light-hearted newspaper article based around any risible "scientific survey" produced by a marketing agency to promote a product or service; eg: "It's the BREAST news men have heard in years - Britain's women are set to evolve BIGGER BOOBS in future, according to scientists at Cardiff's Wonderbra Institute of Titology."

printernot (pryn-ter-knot) n. Any example of a newspaper's feeble attempt to appeal to a younger demographic by likening some aspect of itself to the internet, such as re-christening its letters page the "Messageboard".

scoffee break (scoff-ee-brake) n. Office lunchtime spent sneering pathetically at unflattering snaps of cellulite-peppered thighs in a Heat magazine mock examination (qv).

twittle-cattle (twittul-cattul) n. Hordes of people patiently queuing up to moo aimlessly at each other in the latest online social networking craze.

zerotoleriddance (zero-toller-riddantz) n. The moment the public mood finally and irrevocably turns against a hitherto-just-about-tolerable minor celebrity; eg, "We put Danielle Lloyd on the cover and sales nosedived; looks like she's hit zerotoleriddance."

Monday, February 2, 2009

different orders of magnitude

A Catholic student was having a conversation with his teacher. "What is the difference between the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?" the student asked.

The teacher replied, "Well, they were both founded by Spaniards -- St. Dominic for the Dominicans, and St. Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy -- the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants."

"So what's so different about that?" said the student.

"Met any Albigensians lately?" responded the teacher.

Sunday, February 1, 2009