Sunday, June 29, 2008

helpful advice

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

Friday, June 27, 2008

all bar dogs

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The guy, without missing a beat, says "This is my guide dog."

"Oh man,” the bartender says, "I'm sorry, here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a guide dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar where he asks for a drink.

The bartender says "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!"

The second man replies "This is my guide dog."

The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as guide dogs."

The man pauses for a half-second and replies "What? They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Thursday, June 26, 2008

be careful what you ask for in the outback

The Royal Mail at Meekatharra calls it as it sees it (though at these prices, presumably before the alcopop tax hike kicked in..)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Lizard makes the news

never work with (children and) animals...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

George Carlin quotes

George Carlin RIP

1. When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

2. When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

3. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

4. When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

5. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

6. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

7. Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

8. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

9. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

10. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

13. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

15. I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

16. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

17. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

18. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

19. I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

20. Electricity is really just organized lightning.

21. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

22. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

23. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

24. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

25. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

26. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

27. I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

28. Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

29. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

30. There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

31. At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

32. As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

33. The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

34. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

35. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

36. I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

37. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

38. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!

39. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

These were thought to be, but are NOT George Carlin quotes.
But they are still amusing.

1. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

2. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

3. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

4. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

5. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

7. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

10. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

11. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

12. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

13. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

14. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

15. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

16. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

17. How is it possible to have a civil war?

18. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

19. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

20. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

21. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

22. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

23. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

24. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

25. Is there another word for synonym?

26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

27. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

28. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

29. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

30. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

31. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

32. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

33. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

34. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

35. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

36. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

37. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

38. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Billy Connolly's "14 things I hate"

* People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

* People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

* When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Fucking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

* When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do People do this? Who and where are they?

* When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the fucking floor.

* People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

* When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

* When people say "life is short". What the fuck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever fucking does!! What can you do that's longer?

* When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

* People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

* When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

* People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

* McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you fucking McTosser.

Friday, June 20, 2008

booked

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.

One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.

Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true," she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

Thursday, June 19, 2008

suicide bummer

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline. Got a call center in Afghanistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids

- Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

- Toy Test

Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold and take off shoes. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

- Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

- Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

- Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

- Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set alarm for 5:00am. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

- Ingenuity Test

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

- Car Test

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a coin. Stick it into the CD player. Take a family-size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a rake along both side of the car. There, perfect!

- Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Then remove the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

- Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

- Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, and toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasise to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Vital stats of the beast

666 Biblical Number of the Beast
670 Approximate Number of the Beast
DCLXVI Roman Numeral of the Beast
668 Neighbour of the beast
999 Number of the Australian Beast
66 Number of the Downsized Beast
6, uh..., I forget Number of the Blond Beast
666.0000 Number of the High Precision Beast
665.9997856 Number of the Beast on a Pentium
0.666 Number of the Millibeast
0.00150150... Reciprocal of the Beast
-666 Opposite of the Beast
666i Imaginary Number of the Beast
6.66 x 102 Scientific Notation of the Beast
25.8069758... Square Root of the Beast
1010011010 Binary Number of the Beast
1232 Octal of the Beast
29A Hexidecimal of the Beast
2.8235 Log of the Beast
6.5913 Ln of the Beast
1.738 x 10289 Anti-Log of the Beast
00666 Zip Code of the Beast
666@hell.org E-mail Address of the Beast
www.666.com Website of the Beast
1-666-666-6666 Phone & FAX Number of the Beast
1-866-666-6666 Toll Free Number of the Beast
(which could also be written 18-666-666-666!)
1-900-666-6666 Live Beasts, available now! One-on-one pacts!
Only $6.66 per minute! (Must be over 6+6+6 years old!)
666-66-6666 Social Security Number of the Beast
Form 10666 Special IRS Tax Forms for the Beast
66.6% Tax Rate of the Beast
6.66% 6-Year CD Interest Rate at First Beast Bank of Hell
($666 minimum deposit, $666 early withdrawal fee)
$666/hr Billing Rate of the Beast's Lawyer
$665.95 Retail Price of the Beast
$710.36 Price of the Beast plus 6.66% Sales Tax
$769.95 Price of the Beast with accessories and replacement soul
$656.66 Wal-Mart Price of the Beast (next week $646.66!)
$55.50 Monthly Payments for Beast, in 12 easy installments
Phillips 666 Gasoline Used by the Beast (regular $6.66/gal)
Route 666 Highway of the Beast (where he gets his kicks!)
666 mph Speed Limit on the Beast's Highway
6-6-6 Fertilizer of the Beast
666 lb cap Weight Limit of the Beast
666 Minutes Weekly News Show about the Beast (airs daily from
Midnight to 11:06 a.m., on Cable Channel 666, of course)
666o F Oven Temperature for Cooking "Roast Beast"
666k Retirement Plan of the Beast
666 mg Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast
Lotus 6-6-6 Spreadsheet of the Beast
Word 6.66 Word Processor of the Beast
Windows 666 Bill Gates' Personal Beast Operating System
#666666 Font Color of the Beast (the gray in this table, no kidding!)
i66686 CPU of the Beast
666-I BMW of the Beast
IAM 666 License Plate Number of the Beast
Formula 666 All Purpose Cleaner of the Beast
WD-666 Spray Lubricant of the Beast
DSM-666 (rev) Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
66.6 MHz Radio Station of the Beast
6 for 66 Bowling Figures of the Beast

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Bush 'n Blair at the Gay Bar

This has been around the intertubes for a couple of years but I've only just seen it. Class!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

A Valentine for Osama

Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?"

David's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," David says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" his father asks in shock.

"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with new found pride, "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Robbed of Joy

Sitting at the bar, sad Rob told the bartender that he was drinking to forget the heartbreak of his broken engagement. “Yeah,” said Rob, “would you marry someone who didn’t know the meaning of the word faithful, and who was flip and even vicious when the subject of fidelity came up?” “ No way in hell” said the bartender.

“Well, said Rob, “neither would my fiancée.”

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Phishing for compliments: best of the spam

Today I got a new variation on the Nigerian be-sure-to-send-your-bank-account-detail story from the phishermarket. I re-present it in all its glory:

From Tony Som, LLB (Hons)
Barrister & Solicitor
03 BP 3105
République du Togo


Dear Derek Barry,

I am Barrister Tony Som, a solicitor at law and personal attorney to late Engr M Barry, a national of your country,who used to work with SONACOP Oil Company here in Lome Togo.

This is an official legal notice for an unclaimed fund left by my late client, who died in a plan crash in Cotonou Benin Republic on the 26th December 2003 with his wife and their only daughter,

http://www.cnn.com/2003/WORLD/africa/12/26/benin.crash/index.html

After these several unsuccessful attempts,I decided to track his last name over the Internet, to locate any member of his family hence I contacted you.I have contacted you to assist in repartrating the fund valued at $9 Million dollars left behind by my client before it gets confisicated or declared unserviceable by the Security Finance Firm where this huge amount were deposited.

The said Security Finance Company has issued me a notice to provide the next of kin or have his account confisicated within the next twenty one working days of which i have tried to locate his relatives but all my efforts have been abortive but Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the relatives for over 4years now,

I seek the consent to present you as the next of kin to the deceased since you have the same last names, so that the proceeds of this account can be paid to you.Therefore, on receipt of your positive response, we shall then discuss the sharing ratio and modalities for transfer.I have all necessary information and legal documents needed to back you up for claim.

All i require from you is your honest cooperation to enable us see this transaction through. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law. Please get in touch with me through the above email for more details.

Yours Sincerely,
Barrister Tony Som.

Envoyé avec Yahoo! Mail.
Une boite mail plus intelligente.

===== ends =====

Everything about this bit of spam was class. From Tony Spam's honours law degree to the fancy post code in Togo (why is this a West African specialty?), to the name of the client Engineer M. Barry "a native of my country" (which one?), and the plane crash in Benin that killed all the Lebanese, it was all superior spam!

Thankfully "envoyé avec une boite mail plus intelligente" ('sent by a more intelligent mailbox?'). Formi-dable!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Monday, June 9, 2008

Top Ten Euro Championship goals

a fine little collection thanks to the BBC (number 4 is a personal favourite and I saw that one and number #1 live in the flesh...ah memories!)

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Iron Lady

The woman knocked on her daughter-in-law's door. The door opened and there was her daughter-in-law, stark naked.

" I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work"

" But…..I mean……"

" This is my love dress, he loves me to wear this dress- he'll be back any minute now".

As the older woman walked home she thought what a good idea her daughter-in-law had had. She got home, took a shower, put on her best perfume and waited starkers by the front door.

" What are you doing? asked her husband as he opened the door.

" This is my love dress, Darling."

" Needs ironing" he grunted.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Just the ticket

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Exam tactics

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university.

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail.

1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Top Twenty Football misses

they get better as they go on....

Monday, June 2, 2008

House rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $25 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $50. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $100. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

"How much for a season pass?"