Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Woof Times Ten

An Alsation went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another "Woof" for the same price."

"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

middle ground

Three economists went out hunting, and came across a large deer. The first economist fired, but missed, by a metre to the left. The second economist fired, but also missed, by a metre to the right. The third economist didn't fire, but shouted in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Dylan Moran quotes

“I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?”

"Showing off seemed to me to be a highly valuable and necessary activity when I was 20.”

“I think that women just have a primeval instinct to make soup, which they will try to foist on anybody who looks like a likely candidate.”

“The careers teacher told me I had a clear choice: if I didn't end up going to university I'd end up robbing post offices.”

“It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.”

“People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.”

“Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop”

"I'm not a fighter, I'm a bleeder."

"I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.”

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

high roller

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Monday, April 21, 2008

Party in the Stomach

you start by letting a few beers in...then it gets out of control...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Scary Car ad joke

it is scary...but then you get to enjoy the reactions of others!

Saturday, April 19, 2008

not a pie chart

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Babel Fish and Dingo's Kidneys

From the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy:

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Late night hosts take on Osama and the Taliban

"Osama bin Laden put out a new video. The timing of this video has some people upset, three days before we vote. It looks like he's trying to influence the election. And I'll tell you, it's not going to work. Americans know Osama bin Laden does not pick our president. The Supreme Court does." —Bill Maher

"Some of it is really kind of chilling. On the tape, bin Laden says that neither Kerry nor Bush can keep us safe. Boy, just what we need, another undecided voter." —Bill Maher

"The latest report is that Osama bin Laden has shaved his beard, is wearing Western clothes and has had plastic surgery. Isn't that amazing? The guy has made just two videos and he's already gone Hollywood." —Jay Leno

"The Defense Department ... says that troops in Afghanistan have discovered several more tapes of Osama bin Laden speaking with his followers. ... And if you order the whole set right now, they'll throw in 'The Taliban's Wet 'n' Wild Spring Break'" —Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the Osama bin Laden dinner party tape? He's having dinner with a legless sheik. We can't even catch that guy." —David Letterman

"One thing we learned, bombing works. ... We've flown over 2,800 sorties, dropped 15 tons in warheads, and done $39 in damage. But we're a compassionate nation ... and when this is all over, we're going to put the rocks and dirt back." —Comedian Al Franken

"The CIA is now saying that a drone rocket may have killed Osama bin Laden way up in the mountains. ... Let me translate for you. What they're saying is he's still alive and they don't have any idea where the hell he is" —David Letterman

"They say now that Mullah Omar is living out of his car. You know things are not going well for the jihad when your Supreme Leader is living in his Toyota." —David Letterman

"Over in Afghanistan, Osama stuck his head out of the cave and saw a shadow. So, that means six more weeks of bombing." —David Letterman

"Yesterday, the government released that tape of Osama bin Laden and if you watched it, you know Osama bin Laden is not only evil, but really, really boring. And could he be more guilty? Even O.J.'s going 'Come on, you know he did it.'" —Jay Leno

"According to the New York Daily News, Geraldo said he is now carrying a gun, and he will personally shoot Osama bin Laden if he finds him. If Osama also has a gun, this could work out okay." —Jay Leno

"Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!" —Jay Leno

"There's a new Osama bin Laden video. He's the only person that is looking thin during the holidays. How does he do it? I think he's going to Jenny Craig." —Jay Leno

"An interim government has been set up in Afghanistan which includes two women, one of whom will be Minister of Women's Affairs. Man, who'd she have to show her ankles to to get that job?" —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"More bad news for the Taliban. Remember how they are promised 72 virgins when they die? Turns out that it's only one 72-year-old virgin." —Jay Leno

"Every day we learn more and more about this wacky Osama bin Laden. He lives in a cave and at one time he was a womanizer. But now he has settled down with his five wives and 26 kids, so that's now all over. ... He also had a drinking problem at one time. I believe he went through 'Jihab'" —David Letterman

"Osama bin Laden has hired 10 look-alikes. Now, how hard up do you have to be before you take that job? There's no way to win! If Osama dies, you don't get paid. If you're found, you get killed." —Jay Leno

"Osama bin Laden has ten look-alikes to fool us Americans. Ten look-alikes, and he's married to five of them." —David Letterman

"Did you hear this? They say now Osama bin Laden and his buddy Mullah Omar have left Afghanistan dressed as women. They dressed up as women and went across the border into Pakistan. I think they're going to make a movie about it. They're going to call it 'Some like it Jihad.'" —David Letterman

"The Taliban is on the run and don't know where to go. Pakistan doesn't want them. Iran doesn't want them. Of course, they'll have no problem getting into this country." —David Letterman

"It looks like we are going to have to set up a new government in Afghanistan, which is not going to be easy. After our last election, look how long it took us to set up our own government." —Jay Leno

"In Afghanistan this week, outnumbered Northern Alliance rebels on horseback defeated Taliban forces armed with tanks. Experts say the victory is just like the story of David and Goliath and David's friend, the Stealth Bomber." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"Wayne Newton has officially replaced Bob Hope as the head of the USO celebrity tour and will depart November 12 to entertain troops overseas. Army generals say the biggest threat to Newton when he arrives in Afghanistan is friendly fire. When told Newton would be performing, American soldiers called it, 'our biggest setback so far'" —Jimmy Fallon on "Weekend Update"

"You know what the bounty is on bin Laden? $25 million. It sounds like a lot until you realize the Texas Rangers paid $250 million to get Alex Rodriguez." —Jay Leno

"President Bush addressed the nation on some of the networks. NBC and CBS refused to preempt 'Friends' and 'Survivor' for the president. So God forbid, let's hope the enemy never attacks on a Thursday night." —Jay Leno

"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people." —David Letterman

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail." —Jay Leno

"I was reading more about Osama bin Laden today. Turns out he started in the mailroom." —David Letterman

"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it — 'Roots.'" —Jay Leno

"One of the Taliban spokesmen said they have thousands of men who look forward to death like Americans look forward to living, which is great because we can arrange that. We'll set them up with death, we'll continue living." —Jay Leno

"Geraldo Rivera says Osama bin Laden is hiding out in Pakistan ... which means the most hated man in Afghanistan is now Geraldo Rivera." —Conan O'Brien

"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan." —Jay Leno

"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves." —David Letterman

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman

"The FBI announced today that they are now looking for Osama bin Laden's financial adviser. You think this guy is in demand. How good can he be? his top client is living in a cave and driving a donkey. It doesn't sound like he is getting the best return on his investments to me." —Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden, now they say he has had plastic surgery. They say he sneaked across the border into Pakistan, which by the way is the place to go to have plastic surgery. He looks great. A tourist came up to him earlier this week and said, 'May I have your autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'" —David Letterman

"I think the number one public-relations blunder Osama has made is that he lives in a cave-fortress and if there's one thing we've learned from it's that you can't trust a guy who lives in a cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm telling you the list goes on." —David Letterman

"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno

"We're learning more about Osama bin Laden. His father was married 16 times, and he has five wives. I think we're getting to the root of his intense anger. And they say bin Laden never spends the night in the same place twice. No, wait a minute, that's Clinton." —David Letterman

"They found a cave once lived in by Osama bin Laden and the only thing in the cave were some boxer undershorts, and macaroni. I'm telling you, you add an old stack of Playboys, this could be my place. It's like I have a twin." —David Letterman

"Now there are reports that Osama bin Laden would like to commit suicide on television. This is the kind of lead-in I have been praying for every since I came to CBS. Bin Laden is planning a televised suicide or, as I call it, hosting the Academy Awards." —David Letterman

"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed." —Jay Leno

"How many have seen that Osama bin Laden footage? Pretty scary. In fact, today, NBC ordered 13 more episodes." —Jay Leno

"Insiders say that Osama bin Laden is depressed because his network is unraveling. Hey, the same is happening here and it's not bothering me." —David Letterman

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis." —Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters. Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic" —Conan O'Brien

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration." —Jay Leno

"Allied forces have hit all the Taliban military installations and bases. To give you an idea how successful these strikes have been: the Taliban has been telling young men that when they get to heaven, there may not be enough virgins to go around. They were promised 72. Now they are down to 45, but were told, 'Your virgins may vary." —Jay Leno

"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard." —David Letterman

"Bin Laden was once targeted by President Clinton. President Clinton wanted to kill him but couldn't get him. Of course not, we all know what kind of aim Clinton has." —Jay Leno

"Last night the Taliban offered to release eight Westerners if the U.S. promised not to attack. The State Department declined but thanked the Taliban for the offer, saying it really felt good to laugh again." —Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head." —Jay Leno

"The U.S. continues the search for Osama bin Laden. Reports suggest that bin Laden is most likely hiding out somewhere remote and barren, where he will not encounter others. The FBI has begun searching theaters showing the movie 'Glitter.'" —Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The Taliban has asked Osama bin Laden to voluntarily leave the country. They said they delivered him a note asking him to leave, which is a pretty good trick considering they claim they don't even know where he is." —Jay Leno

"I read in the paper today this bin Laden guy is the wealthiest guy in Afghanistan. That's when you know your government is no good, when the wealthiest guy in the country lives in a cave." —Jay Leno

"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country." —Jay Leno

"U.S. Government has said they are now going to go after the terrorist's electronic banking system. You know what they should do? They should transfer bin Laden's funds to my bank. They'd mess up his deposits, screw up his statement and nickel and dime him to death with service charges." —Jay Leno

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism." —Jay Leno

"The leaders of the Taliban said today that killing bin Laden won't solve the problem. But, you know, it couldn't hurt." —Jay Leno

"More and more facts coming out about Osama bin Laden. You know, he never sleeps in the same place two nights in a row, just like Clinton." —Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week." —Jay Leno

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bulgarian policemen

There are two policemen on duty in Sofia, when they're approached by a tourist. He asks a question in English, obviously looking for help. They don't understand him, so he tries again in French. Still no better. He tries once more in German, and, getting no response, finally gives up and goes away.

"I think we should learn a foreign language, don't you?", says one policeman. "It might be useful". "I don't see why", says the other. "That tourist knew several, and it didn't help him."

Monday, April 14, 2008

ten signs you have nothing to do at work

10: you develop Repetitive Stress Disorder from playing Solitaire.
9: You've actually figured out a way to get Gilligan off that island.
8: People only come into your office to borrow pencils from your
7: To exercise your creative side, you knit a computer cozy.
6: You create an on-going e-mail dialog with your computer at home.
5: No longer content with merely photo-copying your butt, you now scan
it and enhance it with Photoshop.
4: After months of taking frequent breaks, you now require only a single
can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarves.
3: You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces
images of Elvis.
2: There is an 18-hole par 3 mini-golf course in your office.
1: The 4th Division of Paper clips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry and
General White-Out has called for a new skirmish.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Afghan equality

Visiting Afghanistan for a second time, a war correspondent noted that since the fall of the Taliban, wives who used to walk ten paces behind their husbands were now walking ten paces in front. The journalist asked one of the men if this was a sign of growing equality.

"No", the man replied. "Land-mines."

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Castro resignation jokes on US late night TV shows

"Well, here's some sad news coming from Havana, ladies and gentlemen: Fidel Castro has resigned. A lot of people thought it was because of his health, but, no, he's resigning because he wants to spend more time with his beard." --David Letterman

"But his retirement will not change the relationship Cuba has with the United States. Cubans will still not legally be allowed to enter the United States unless they have an overpowering fastball." --David Letterman

"Experts believe that now that Fidel has resigned, he will either be succeeded by his brother, Raul, or by his idiot son, Fidel W. Castro." --David Letterman

"Fidel is being replaced by a younger, sexier Castro: his younger brother Raul. Is this even possible? Can you imagine a country run by one family for years and years and years? That could never happen here." --Craig Ferguson

"This morning, Cuban dictator Fidel Castro announced that he is stepping down, ending five decades of rule. But the biggest surprise was when Castro announced that he’s going to retire in Miami." --Conan O'Brien

"Fidel Castro has resigned today as the president of Cuba. But don’t worry, you’ll still be able to see him on ABC’s 'Dancing With the Stars.'" --Jay Leno

"He ran Cuba for almost 50 years. And political analysts are now debating what kind of changes the Cuban people will hope for. I'm gonna guess: term limits." --Jay Leno

"Actually, Fidel Castro was the most powerful socialist in the world not living in Malibu. Did you know that?" --Jay Leno

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro is still in the hospital with a serious medical condition. Castro said that a half century of Communist rule seemed like a good idea right up until the point he was rushed to the hospital in a '55 Oldsmobile." --Conan O'Brien

"Miami's Hispanic population took to the streets last night to celebrate Fidel Castro temporarily stepping down from power. Way to go America! Our plan to slowly deteriorate his health over the course of 50 years is working." --Stephen Colbert

"As you know the elderly Fidel Castro recovering from surgery in Cuba. It was pretty serious. I understand he was rushed to the hospital on Donkey One. A message delivered on Cuban Television today said that Fidel Castro's condition is listed as stable, which in Communist countries means he'll be dead by Friday." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that in the event that Castro does die he has a plan in place to show the Cuban people there's a better way than the plan they're currently living under. Hey forget Cuba, how 'bout showing us that plan. I would love to see this plan." --Jay Leno

"The people of Miami are celebrating tonight because Fidel Castro has temporarily stepped down. He had to undergo surgery so he's transferred his presidential power to his brother Jeb Castro. Actually Castro's brother's name is Raul. As soon as his brother Raul found out he was taking over, he turned his raft around and went back to Havana." --Jay Leno

"Cuban dictator Fidel Castro has checked into the hospital and control of the country has been turned over to his brother. He's turned over control of the country to his brother. In a related story control of his beard has been turned over to ZZ Top." --Conan O'Brien

"Castro took over in 1959. He's the longest reigning dictator in power currently, if you don't count Martha Stewart. He's going to be 80 years old. He's talking about retiring. You know what that means? He could wind up in Miami." --Jay Leno

"In a speech in Florida President Bush praised all the contributions Cubans have made to America: catching, hitting, outfielding, shortstop. These were all major, major contributions." --Jay Leno

"Now is the time to invade, America. My proposal is controversial but we've invaded for less. Now I know our troops are tied up in Iraq so here's my plan. We harness the regime-destroying power of tourism. First, we send a fleet of Carnival cruise ships stuffed with battle-fattened early-retired middle-management types, their girth easily overpowering the frail bean-fed Cubans. Of course, there's nothing Americans tourists like more than things they can get at home. So in phase two Marine choppers air-drop an outlet mall. Old Navy, Sunglass Hut. Name brands here, maybe a Jamba Juice, Cinnabon. The Cubans will quickly become addicted to the easy American dollar. Communism will fail. And then we can finally allow Cuba to become a valuable trading partner like Communist China. So, here's to freedom and the Havana Applebee's Cubanos. And what better way to celebrate than with a genuine 'Dominican' cigar. I can't wait until this 'Dominican' cigar is legal." --Stephen Colbert

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

The Parrot

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot..
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,
'Hello Keith!'

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Seattle rain jokes

What do you call two straight days of rain in Seattle? A weekend.

It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.

What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle? An extra hour of rain.

What's the definition of a Seattle optimist? A guy with a sun visor on his rain hat.

How to predict weather in Seattle: If you can see Mt Rainier, it's going to rain. If not, it already is.

A newcomer to Seattle arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."

Monday, April 7, 2008

marketing terms explained

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Worst own goal ever

Enjoy this cracking winning goal in the Hungarian Cup last week

Friday, April 4, 2008

Fish Heads

fish heads, fish heads, eat them up, yum!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

From the poop deck

the ultimate guide to faeces thanks to the Uncyclopedia Guide to Shit.

Gay shit- the type of shit that cums out when 2 gay guys are doing it.(this causes extreme discomfort)(it is also a cross between king kong, ring of fire, and dry poop)
Shart- Half way between a fart and a shit. Can cause some problems in your undergarments.
Shat- Past tense of shit, "Hey man, you know that quarter I swallowed? Well I just shat it out!"
Ghost Poop- You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.
Teflon Coated Poop- Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Rabbit Droppings- When you finally get the turd moving it comes out extremely fast in small pellets that make your anus feel like a machine gun. On rare occasions these small pellets will come out uber slow and you will spend a good half hour getting just three pellets pushed out.
Hershey Squirts- slang for diarrhea
Second Thought Poop- You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop- This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis and Catherine the Great. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop- You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop (a.k.a. The Prairie Dog)- You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
Horny Poop- This kind of poop is accompanied by a big hard erection.Doesn't come down even if you think about shit,just makes it harder.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop- This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Sopping Coin Crack Poop- This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your Ass-a-drippen'.
Wish Poop- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Holiday Poop (a.k.a Relaxed Poop)- The kind of poop where you can take hours, without worrying about anything and think about all beautiful things in the world and relax your butt muscles.
Book Worm Poop- The kind of poop which takes shit long and you end up finishing a novel.Its a relative of Holiday poop.
Cement Block or Oh God Poop- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop- This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop)- Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers)- You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle- The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop- The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop- The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
Great Balls of Fire- When you have "The Ring of Fire Poop" and you wipe back to front.
Gone in 60 seconds Poop- The kind of poop that happens so fast you don't realize what happened and you wonder whether the poop in the toilet is yours.
The Fast & The Furious Poop- A very close relative of Gone in 60 seconds Poop but this time you realize what has happened because your butthole is burning and is overstretched. Warning- This could be very dangerous due to very high speed and nitro-boost.
The Crippler- The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang- The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop- The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop- The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper- The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
Dirty Bowl Poop- The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
Smearing Poop- A turd that's just barely able to fit through the drain and leaves marks at the bottom of the bowl as it slides slowly down.
Sausage Poop- long, slightly squishy, and liable to float. Generally regarded as a cross between a smearing poop, a dry dump and the party pooper.
The Windy City Poop- When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh fuck... Poop- You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper.
The Never Ending Poop- It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
Mr Whippy - Poo that resembles a McDonald's soft serve.
Mr Whippy with sprinkles - Poo that resemberls a McDonals soft serve with chunky bits or "sprinkles"...
After-Grog-Bog (AGB) - The poo you take after a night of drink. AGB's are generally offensively loud and disgustingly sloppy. Try not to drop an AGB with any of your friends nearby - especially if they have video recorders. AGB can vary in colour depending on what you drink. For example, if you drink a lot of black sambuca you're AGB will be fluro or olive green.
Fire-hydrant - It's like a fire hose shooting brown, sometimes chunky water.
Dry Dump - A poo that is really hard to squeeze out because it's really dry. Drink plenty of water to avoid putting yourself through the pain of taking a dry dump.
Cannonpoop - A combination of poop and fart. The poop lies on the end of the barrel (anus) blocking the way. Behind it is a giant fart wanting to come out. After a series of stomachache (the pressure keeps building) you will blast out the poop so hard it will most likely literally blow the shit out of your toilet.
The Mothershit - A turd so big that it can barely fit in the toilet.
Super Shit Fountain of Ticklishness - Diarrhea that gives you an orgasm. usually happens once or more. may cause extreme messiness and may force laughter. not for use with Goths.
Havana Omelette - Brownish-Yellow diarrhea with some unprocessed food particles in it. Usually known to come out with a big splash. Once settled, this abomination floats on the top of the water resembling an omelette while it fries in the pan.
Rice Water - Watery diarrhea with bits of white shit in it.
High Quality Shit - Doesn't stink.
Horohoro Shit - This variation of diarrhea gives you chills so bad, you'd swear you were frozen.
Youtube Poop - When There's Smoke, They Pinch Back.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

emergency services

Seventy year old Martha woke her seventy-five year old husband George from his nap on the sofa.

"There is a truck backed up to your shop and thieves are loading up your tools," she told him in a frightened voice.

He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police.

The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there.

He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back.

"This is the fellow that just called about the thieves stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them."

Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burglars were caught red-handed.

"What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them."

"Yeah, and I was informed that nobody was available," Old George replied.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

star sign of the times

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the other hand you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

Pisces (Feb. 19-Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends, and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces screw small animals and pick their noses.

Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a pain in the butt.

Taurus (Apr. 20-May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You are quick and intellectual, and are a thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth shit. You are a butthead.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, you are probably queer. Most Libra women are whores. They are known as the world's greatest liars, although they pretend innocence and lack of guilt. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and pot heads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting duped.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.