Sunday, July 15, 2007

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass

classic Bill Hicks

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The wit and wisdom of Colonel Bat Guano

From Dr Strangelove or How I Stop Worrying and Learned to Love the Bomb.

Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Colonel, Colonel, I must know what you think has been going on here.
Col. "Bat" Guano:
You wanna know what I think?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake:
Yes.
Col. "Bat" Guano:
I think you're some kind of deviated prevert. I think general Ripper found out about your prevertion, and you were organizing some kind of mutiny of preverts. Now MOVE!!!
====
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You don't think I'd go into combat with loose change in my pocket, do you?

====
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel... that Coca-Cola machine. I want you to shoot the lock off it. There may be some change in there.
Colonel "Bat" Guano: That's private property.
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: Colonel! Can you possibly imagine what is going to happen to you, your frame, outlook, way of life, and everything, when they learn that you have obstructed a telephone call to the President of the United States? Can you imagine? Shoot it off! Shoot! With a gun! That's what the bullets are for, you twit!
Colonel "Bat" Guano: Okay. I'm gonna get your money for ya. But if you don't get the President of the United States on that phone, you know what's gonna happen to you?
Group Capt. Lionel Mandrake: What?
Colonel "Bat" Guano: You're gonna have to answer to the Coca-Cola company.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Arheddis Varkenjaab and Aywellbe Fayed

an oldie but a goodie..

"We'd go and sit on the balcony at Terminal 3 at Heathrow Airport, directly under one of the PA speakers where we put a tape machine in a bag with the microphone poking out of the top. Then we'd look for a flight that had arrived in the last 40 minutes from somewhere where you'd expect people with unpronounceable names e.g. Saudi Arabia.

We would then go to the Airport Help Desk with a prewritten note containing the names of fictitious passengers and ask them to read out the names over the PA system.

The passenger's names looked innocent enough on paper but they sounded like something else when read out loud...

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Wombling free

Great Uncle Bulgaria is very old and his fur has turned snow white with age.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

classic Paul Keating quotes

From today's Crikey, some great Paul Keating putdowns:

On John Hewson:

* He's like a shiver waiting for a spine
* Debating with him is like being flogged by a warm lettuce
* A feral abacus
* The answer is, mate, because I want to do you slowly (after Hewson asked him why he wouldn’t call an early election)

On Andrew Peacock:

* A souffle doesn't rise twice

On Wilson Tuckey:

* He'd be flat out counting past ten

On John Howard:

* He's like a lizard on a rock, alive but looking dead
* A desiccated coconut
* What we have got is a dead carcass, swinging in the breeze, but nobody will cut it down to replace him.
* ...the brain-damaged Leader of the Opposition...
* But I will never get to the stage of wanting to lead the nation standing in front of the mirror each morning clipping the eyebrows here and clipping the eyebrows there with Janette and the kids: It’s like ‘Spot the eyebrows’.
* From this day onwards, Howard will wear his leadership like a crown of thorns, and in the parliament I’ll do everything to crucify him (speaking of his 1986 leadership)

On Jeff Kennett spending over $20 million on office renovations:

* He's into squalor. He can't afford an ambulance if you have a heart attack. He can't afford lavatories at railway stations. He's got the Treasury done up like the Reichstag.

Monday, July 9, 2007

vested interests

RTE announced Friday that Guinness workers in Dublin will lead trade union movement opposition to mandatory alcohol testing in the workplace.

I would have hoped alcohol testing WAS mandatory at Guinness!

Sunday, July 8, 2007

shock: Bookies Gored!

Ireland's top bookmaker, Paddy Power, paid out more than $13,500 to people who bet that Al Gore would be arrested. Trouble was, the company neglected to specify which one.

Al Gore snr was rated as a 14-1 outsider in a list of American celebrities likely to be arrested next. However his son Al Gore III, 24, was charged with possession of marijuana and other drugs on Wednesday.

Paddy Power paid out because it didn't specify which Gore it meant!

Saturday, July 7, 2007

He de General, de President, de King of de Scene

via nofear.org here is Idi Amin singing "Amazin' Man" about himself.

For a less flattering view of Idi, see here

Tuesday, July 3, 2007

come play Cornhole

Cornhole: the next Olympic event. 16,000 cornholers in the US alone (apparently many players are displaced Buckeyes).

Players pitch "corn bags" at a raised platform with a hole in the far end.
There's three values: Corn Bag In-The-Hole (bag lands totally in the hole), Corn Bag In-The-Count (not quite in the hole) and Corn Bag Out-Of-The-Count (bag lands nowhere near the hole).

Whatever you do, don't shoot a Mary Ellen (throwing your cornbag short of the board, that's a one shot penalty.

As the association says "Help us make Cornhole, America’s game".

Monday, July 2, 2007

Internet Pizza

get 'em while they're hot!

Sunday, July 1, 2007

How many blog posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.